Embracing Brokenness

One of the crazy things I am learning in this phase of life is that sometimes I do not always understand why God directs our lives the way He does.  Why does he direct one person to go while telling another to stay and fight?  Why does He allow some people to experience unimaginable abuse?  Why does He not step in and just "fix" things?

To be honest these are questions I struggle with a lot.  On a personal level I have questioned many times why the direction for me was "Leave now" while another person heard "Stay a  little longer".  Why are my experiences in church different from other peoples?  In some ways I envy the person with incredible happy memories of church camp with friends, youth conventions and end of summer pool parties with friends.  That was not my experience.  And so I question.... "Why God?  Why are our experiences so different?"  

I am in introvert.  I take vast amounts of information and process it internally.  I probably overanalyze  any given situation trying to make sense out of it.  My counselor often challenges me with the question "Why does it need to make sense".  I think over time I have learned that sometimes that can be my way of trying to cope with incredible pain.  Other times it can be an overdeveloped need to take responsibility for everything that happens in my sphere of influence.  

Don't get me wrong.  We need to evaluate from a healthy place what we are responsible for, but the reality is that we are not responsible for everything.  There are two people in every relationship.  All we can do is identify and recognize what we are responsible for.  

So what happens when life doesn't make sense?

Well, that is where waiting and faith come in.

One of my favorite stories in Scripture, is the story of Elijah.  Immediately following this amazing victory over the prophets of Baal, where God sends fire from heaven.  We see Elijah running from the queen and hiding in a cave.  

What follows for Elijah is a period of rest and restoration after which he is sent to first a brook to be fed by ravens and later to a penniless widow and her son.  

Can you imagine what trusting God looked like for Elijah?  

He had to think God was insane!

First you are telling me that birds are going to feed me, and not any bird, but a bird that eats roadkill?

And then you are going to send me to the most needy people in the country for food?

I think that is the beautiful thing I'm learning in this season of life.  When life doesn't make sense.... That is when God creates his greatest work!

The part of Elijah's story that has captured my attention in the last few years, however, is the fact that to follow God with complete faith and confidence, Elijah had to rest and listen.

God's voice is often heard best in or after moments of quiet and rest.  

The world clamors for our attention every moment of every day!  

The thing I have learned about myself is that the quiet and stillness grounds me.  

It allows me the opportunity to connect with God on a deeper level and gives me confidence that I do not naturally have to move forward and stand my ground on what I know to be right.  

At the same time it allows me the space to hear and question God for the things I might not fully understand.  

The truth I am learning is that when something is broken, it is in pieces.  It can be incredibly difficult to put back together and it requires patience and time to fully reconstruct.

We live in a broken world, so of course life doesn't make sense.

When God says "leave" He can be directing you away from the thing that would completely break you will and spirit.  A will and spirit that He designed you with for a holy purpose.  When he tells others to "stay" He knows that this is an area that they were designed to take on.  

The different roles we play in life do not mean that one of us is less than another.  God created us all with a intricate design that only He fully understands.  We live in a broken world and we live as broken versions of our true selves.  God's greatest desire is to see us become the true self He designed us to be.  If we try to force our lives back together with glue and sheer will power we will break crucial parts of ourselves.  When we listen closely and let God direct the re-assembly of our sin-broken lives, we can begin to see how He created us.  

God sent us His Son, Jesus, as an example of what an unbroken life looks like, but all of our personal breaks are in different places.  If we look to one another for the way to "fix" our brokenness we will forever remain broken.  We are looking into a clouded mirror.  When we look to God for our healing, we begin to examine the person we were intended to be.  We can invite Him in to walk through our own story.  When we do that we see all the places that He was with us when we felt alone and isolated.  We find that He surrounded us with just the people we needed for that moment in our healing.  As we examine our story through God's eyes we begin to correctly re-assemble the broken pieces of our lives and it is in that we find our true selves as God designed us.

Intentional Communion

When you hear the word communion if you have any exposure to faith you likely think instantly of the solemn ritual of the Last Supper where Jesus shares his final meal with his small group of followers.  

Or maybe you think of it as some solemn "quiet time" where you spend a set amount of time reading Scripture.  

That one is torture for me!

Yep, I will own it, I am called to ministry.  Pursuing a degree in Biblical Studies and reading my Bible in some ritualist expected fashion is worse than the Spanish Inquisition for me!

I suppose it could be because I instinctively associate not "reading your Bible" enough or as expected with the threat of punishment it held for me as a child. 

 Seriously!  I remember as young as 8 or 9 years of age, sitting in "chapel" at the school I attended trying to determine which story I could pull from memory enough if someone decided to grill me on my "quiet time" that morning.  I do not really remember if that ever actually happened to anyone around me, but it was definitely a fear for me.

Sadly, that concept of being punished for not spending enough time with God has overshadowed a lot of my adult life.

Communion:

The sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.

Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  Then you will be prosperous and successful.

Joshua 1:8

Blessed is the one... whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night

Psalm 1:1-2

There are things that are starting to reshape my perception of what communion looks like.  Rather than a set number of verses or making my way through a year long devotional, I am discovering communion with God in moments of spiritual whitespace.

My brain retains concepts rather than exact information.  I connect concepts in Scripture to real life and I am starting to recognize that I do this in a way that is supported in Scripture!  From the early days of Israel's inception as a nation, Joshua is reminding them to mediate on God's word.  

Just reading it, only creates a mere string of words.  Meditating on it creates opportunity.  Opportunity to share and exchange thoughts and ideas with the God, who created us.  Opportunity to ask how any one verse of Scripture applies to me personally.  Opportunity for self-discovery as we allow ourselves to find pieces of our story in the stories of David, Paul and even Jesus.

For some the ritual of reading a set number of Scriptures each day for a certain period works.  It ensures that they have moments of time set aside to connect with God.  For so long I have held myself up to that model, feeling like a complete and utter failure because for me it doesn't work.  The reality I am learning is that there is no magic formula for connecting with God on a daily basis.  It looks different for all of us.  I can read one passage and dissect it for two weeks!  Others need to get the idea and move on.  Still others need to commit the verse to memory word for word.  

The thing I am learning in this season of life is that communion with God looks different for all of us.  There is no perfect model.  It has a unique look and feel for each and every person because God meets us where we are.  

Mine looks like a marinade.  

What does yours look like?  

If you don't know if yours is working or want to try something new, I would like to invite you to join me in reading Whispers of Rest by Bonnie Gray.  It is a 40 day devotional and there is even a book club you can join!

When Being Intentional Hurts....

Intentional found me in a strange way this weekend.  

I try to be really careful about how full we fill our weekends and usually since my husband, Dustin, and I discuss pretty much all of our plans before committing we are pretty good at catching when we start to overbook.  

This weekend did not look that full going into it, but somehow by the time Sunday hit we were on empty.

Sometimes it isn't the activity as much as it is the emotional state in which we enter the weekend.

Friday was a girls night at our house were some friends came over for a Thirty-One party I had decided to have.  It was amazing and something that I had not even realized my heart desperately needed!  

Saturday, we celebrated the fact that our little Eden turns 1 this week!  It was so amazing to have our family and friends celebrate our baby girl!  Of course a last minute venue change due to rain and the need to come up with a way to entertain the toddlers and kids that were present added a little stress.  In retrospect though I can recognize that God's timing is crazy and even extends to the little things as just that Sunday a friend at church had passed on a great obstacle style toy that was a huge hit!

By the time we hit Sunday, however, my personal resources had been exhausted...

This time each year our church has a picnic.  It's such a great and relaxing time, a change from the normal and this year we were adding outdoor worship.  I prepped food the night before and we made it all the way to the parking lot only to realize that I was so exhausted I was on the verge of a panic attack.  Panic attacks are frustrating for me since I cannot exactly predict them.  They pop up at the most inopportune times and at times like this get in the way of things I genuinely want to do.

So there I am standing in the parking lot, hearing Dustin say we needed to leave to give me space, but I was torn.  I wanted to desperately to go, but deep inside I knew he was right.  I've had the panic attacks happen in church situations and its really hard and not the atmosphere you really want to bring to a party.  So we got back in the car and left.  To make things crazier we made it all the way back to our house for our 2 /12 year old to declare she was not ready to be at home!  And so we left home, got lunch and went to the park for a walk and time on the playground.  And that was where I found the peace my soul was begging for.  Time in nature.  Exploring a place that is dear to our family.  

The truth.... To think about not being able to be part of our church family Sunday still hurts.  I love seeing my littles play with the children of friends.  I love the sense of family and belonging.  

Belonging....

It's the feeling we all have.  We want to belong.  It's why we join any variety of groups.

One of the things that I have become acutely aware of this last week.  I want to belong.  I have an indescribable fear of isolation.

I'm an introvert, but I crave relationships.  

It's a strange place to be where I need those moments with only me, but at the same time I don't want to be completely alone.

I feel the loss of friendships and relationships at a soul deep level.  I find myself mourning them long after I have accepted the ending was inevitable.

The reality though is that from the very beginning of time God intended for us to live in relationship. In creating man, God declares in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good that man is alone and he creates woman.  We were not designed to live in solitude.  We were designed for relationship.  Jesus spends his ministry not alone, but in relationship with a group of twelve disciples, but often we forget that he also called Lazarus, Mary and Martha friend.

I so often can lose focus and feel isolated by the things I feel I miss, the relationships that people walked away from, the Sunday picnic's I missed.  I can forget the birthday parties people show up for, my amazing friends, who are only a text away.  

So what does intentional, isolation and belonging have in common?

This weekend I learned that it was the reality was I needed my people in smaller groups.  Intentional meant I had to leave the party for others and find relationship in smaller groups.  It by no means meant that I was isolated.  I had friends surrounding me, but being intentional in these instances means being self-aware or surrounding yourself with a support system that tells you when it's time to stop and regroup.

Intentional means saying no to the fear of isolation and recognizing that sometimes its ok to leave the party to other people for the day.

Intentional Rest

Have you ever had a moment when you just needed rest?  Solitude?  Quiet?  

A few weeks ago, our church began a series for Lent titled Quiet: Hearing God Amidst the Noise.  I was excited.  Whitespace is something I have been trying to incorporate into my personal life, but also our family life since before our oldest daughter was born.  

This would be encouraging.

Or so I thought...

What followed in the next few weeks were feelings of extreme Overwhelm.  I wanted Quiet, but no matter how much I tried nothing seemed to help.  

Then about a week ago I had a realization...

I was starting to burn out...

Somewhere along the line in the first few months of this year I had begun to feel overwhelmed.  

I was being pulled so many different directions.  

None of them bad, but none of them were cohesive and moving forward together, rather they were all different directions and changed every week!

In 1 Kings 19, we see the story of Elijah... One of my favorite parts of this particular part of Elijah's journey comes in verse 12 where Elijah hears a whisper, and that whisper is God speaking to him.  Since first beginning to invest in Spiritual Whitespace, I have cherished this experience of Elijah's where it emphasizes that God was not in the chaos and loudness, but could only be heard when Elijah stopped and listened.

When our pastor started this series on Quiet, that was my focus.  I wanted the noise to stop so I could get to the quiet.  Then I went back and examined Elijah's story just a little more and noticed something that I had forgotten.  Before Elijah could even be present to hear the whisper, he had to rest.  In verses 3-6, we see that Elijah has a period where he rests, eats and repeats.  Without the rest, Elijah was incapable of hearing God.  

So I made some decisions...

I cut back on nearly everything that I could that wasn't absolutely necessary and if it was something that felt scattered and disorganized I removed myself as much as possible.

When that started I noticed that I stared napping more....

Nearly everyday found me searching for those moments when my body demanded rest.

I said no to good things so I could build my capacity to say yes to better things.

I started listening to more podcasts, reading and spending more time cuddling my girls. 

After about a week of this I am finally starting to feel more like myself.  

The better version of me.

One that is not overwhelmed and pulled too many directions.  

I still notice the need to move slowly, but I can tell that the feeling of burn-out is receding.  

As that happens, I find myself seeing the tiredness that surrounds me.  

The exhaustion as we push to make things happen without stopping to ask if those are even the things God still wants from us.  

We are in the season of Lent.  

I just had the realization that what I gave up during Lent is something I hope to maintain long after its 40 days are over.  

I have given up exhaustion and the "should's" for rest, quiet and the chance to hear God's voice more clearly.

What would that look like for you? 

Would you like to hear God's whisper?

What if for the next two weeks you gave up the crazy demands that drain you and took the time to find moments of rest?

What are ways you could start that today?

Intentional Updates

In my last post I shared about some things that I've been doing to be more intentional.  I thought in this post I would share an update on how some of those things are going.

The first is my Bullet Journal.  At this point we are three weeks in to February and I am finding my Bullet Journal invaluable.  I had some things that I wanted to keep track of as a way of creating better habits in my life.  

Some of the goals I had were:

• Drink more Water
• Read more Intentionally (outside of school)
• Listen to Podcast 1-2 times a week
• Intentional Whitespace
• Naps (yes, I often adult way too much and my body has started to let me know that)
• Eat more Salads

Water

I gave it some thought to how I would count things a success and how I would mark off my daily progress.  I found an awesome app for my phone called Waterlogged.  It's been a great way for me to track how close I come to my daily goal of 64 oz of water.  

I had a really bad habit of clicking on my Facebook app when I am bored or waiting.  As I decided to be more intentional one of the things I did was rearrange my phone apps.  In the place of the Facebook app where my finger would automatically go, I placed my Waterlogged app.  Now I think a lot about how I'm doing on my goal of water intake.  At the end of the day if I am within a few ounces of my goal I check it off as a successful day in my Habit Tracker in my Bullet Journal.  So far I have met my goal nearly every day and I'm feel much better for it!  My default is now water much more often than tea or soda.

Reading

The reading is a bit more challenging.  Some days I find myself struggling to get through my school work so when you add on caring for a toddler, who is potty training, and an 8 month old it can be trickier.  Since I draw the line at counting the ten times I read "Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now" in one night, this one is progressing slightly slower, but I have successfully finished 3 books in the last couple of weeks.  

Hollow City

Library of Souls

(Both from Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Children)

and

Breathing Underwater 

by Richard Rohr

Most of these I started in January, but I finished them up this month.

Podcast

  

At the first of this month I decided to make Podcast part of my monthly Habit Tracker.

I've wanted to listen to podcast for quite a while, but always struggled with how to make that happen. Enter the realization that I can plug my phone in to the USB port in my car and let the podcast play as I am driving.  Not a surprise that I can let it play, but hey, in our family we often just plug in the phone to see how many times the toddler wants to here "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" from Phineas and Ferb.

Finally!  An adult use for the USB!

Whitespace

This was really important for me after coming back from my personal retreat.  I knew coming back I needed to take care of myself better.  Taking care of myself means that I am a much better Mommy and Wife to those who live with me every day!  I am less cranky.  I can do more around the house.  Overall, I'm just a better person!

I have definitely developed a better pattern so far this month.  

I have always enjoyed wandering through our city's art museum so I took some time after an appointment last week just to wander around the IMA (Indianapolis Museum of Art).  

Another day I visited a local nature preserve and just sat on the lake for a short period (it was crazy cold that day!).

Another day I just watched movies I enjoy because I enjoy them at home.

Whitespace looks different for everyone, but it is a way to invest in your relationship with God by doing things that bring you joy.

Naps

I know this one sounds a little crazy and lazy, but one thing I have realized is that in the time since Eden was born I have pushed myself entirely too hard.  My body was screaming for rest long before  I gave it the rest it needed.  So I decided to start listening when my body says stop.  Now do not assume that because I am tracking it that I nap every day.  I don't!  I usually do take a few naps a week though just to care for my body.

Salads

This was just another goal I made to try to introduce more balance into my diet.  I thought that focusing on salads and water at the same time made sense as an easy first step for that.  

In addition to my habit tracker I have found the Daily Log a great resource in setting broad goals for myself each day.  It give me the flexibility to do it when I am able, but gives me some things that I can focus on for the day.  Some days I check everything off.  Other days things shift to the next day.

The second thing is we started our Finance Class last weekend.

It is a three week class so we still have two weeks to go, but it has been encouraging!  We realized there are a couple of things we need to work on ASAP, but we have the beginnings of a solid foundation to build on.  It's kind of nice to know those stupid mistakes from our 20's aren't going to haunt us the rest of our adult lives!  The great thing about the timing is that we are doing this right as our tax refund is coming.  We get to start being intentional with our tax return!  That's a good feeling.

So that's how our Intentional Life is going right now!  

My Present Story

When you allow other people to determine your best choices; when you allow yourself to be carried along by what other people think your life should be, could be, must be; when you hand them the pen and tell them to write your story, you don't get the pen back.  Not easily anyway. 

~ Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect

My oldest daughter turned two this last weekend.  After a crazy weekend, dedicated to an extroverted toddler, who loves her peoples, I find myself with time to reflect on a quiet Monday morning.  I am quite sure that every year when Myka's birthday comes around, I will find cause to pause and reflect on the changes in my life.  You see, finding out I was expecting Myka was life changing for me.  It became the moment in time when I came face to face with the insanity that I had chosen to acquiesce to in my life.  

I had let others demand more and more of me.  I had let others take over the pen that was writing my story, telling me that they heard God differently than I did, so the implication became, I heard God incorrectly.  The blessing that comes with pregnancy for me is the inability of my body to handle the stress I attempt to put it through on an everyday basis.  Myka symbolizes a moment when God disconnected me from the unhealthy that was surrounding me, the voices that would have lead me away from the direction he was moving me.  In pregnancy my capacity is diminished so significantly that I lose the ability to force myself to sacrifice my emotional, spiritual and physical health for the version of me others want.  In reality, both of my girls are blessings.  With Myka, I recognized the danger in letting someone attempt to custom create a job you were never intended to fill.  With Eden, I discovered the joy in being in the right place and having your need to say "no, I need some space" accepted, even honored.  

Myka symbolizes for me a moment when I took back the pen of my life and began to write my own story again.  I began to pursue the vision of the story God had given me.  Myka served as a catalyst to make me chose to make the difficult move to reclaim the pen that was steering the direction of my life.  As a result, I said no to what was ultimately a glorified office assistant position.  By saying no and walking away, God moved me to a place much better suited for me.  I now serve in a position that enables me to live out the vision I had of developing and investing in leaders and volunteers.  By saying no, I freed up the capacity in my life to pursue the formal education that will better prepare me to lead.  

When we allow others to write our story, it reflects a combination of what they believe should be our story and themselves.  It will never be truly ours.  It becomes a broken up compilation of short stories as the pen continues to change hands.  When we take back the pen and begin to write our story with God's guidance.  It becomes a story that flows seamlessly through the fabric of our lives.  Rather than the random broken pattern of a patchwork quilt, our lives become like a piece of carefully crafted and painstakingly woven expensive silk.  Beautiful and valuable because its flaws are woven into one solid piece.  

I was reminded yesterday, that our lives are not intended to be separate boxes and compartments.  Our life is intended to flow from one space to another unbroken.  When we allow God to drive our story, our passions move from our work life to home life to the spiritual in much the way the Mississippi river flows through it's varied landscapes.  Our story is consistent and unbroken.  It's strength coming from the way it flows consistently from one area to another, connected in its movement.  

Being present demands that we wield the pen that writes our story.  When we give it to others it creates a brokenness to our life as we are pulled in various directions.  When we take back our pen and write the story God is showing us, we create a seamless and beautiful story that reflects His glory.

The Soundtrack of Life

Listen to a soundtrack.  Have you ever noticed particularly in the really amazing movies there is an ebb and flow to the accompanying music?  There are moments it is peaceful.  A rhythm that indicates a rest or moment of peace for the characters.  At other moments it is intense and powerful, moving through action scenes and tense, emotional moments.   Now think about life.....  Is it not very similar in its ebb and flow?  

When I think about my life there were dramatic moments... Moments like the time I experienced extreme verbal confrontation by what amounted to nearly an entire church.  It was the first step on a path that led me to choose a different way of life.  There was the moment when I went into a meeting with a boss thinking I would find support in a decision, only to be told I was being replaced rather than supported.  

There were moments that I will never forget, like meeting the guy I would marry, to realize from the first minute that this was someone worth waiting on.  The moment I knew without a doubt I was suppose to hand in my resignation in nursing because God had another path that was not suppose to wait.  

There are moments like my first pregnancy, which was extremely isolating and lonely.  A moment when I felt extremely invisible and unnoticed.  The moments like this create the more melancholy pieces of my soundtrack.  These are the moments I found myself desperately asking God where he was?  If the church is suppose to be a reflection of his image, than why did I feel so forgotten?  Had he forgotten I existed, also?  

When I think back, even though I have some answers now, I find it ironic that during the events where are suppose to bring you the most joy and happiness, I have experienced the minor chord events of my soundtrack in tandem with them.  

Ultimately, I am realizing that the soundtrack of my life ebbs and flows as needed.  Sometimes I needed to experience the minor chords at that moment because it made the swell and rise of the happiness that followed so much stronger and dramatic!

The birth of my first little girl was painful in that it was cloaked in isolation and feelings of being forgotten  She is a tremendous joy to our lives though.  She teaches me every day to view myself differently.  When she runs into the room and flings her arms open and in her muddled two year old vocabulary declares everything she sees is "beautiful", I'm reminded the deepest joy accompanies the deepest sorrow if we let it.

While life was never the same after what I experienced as she came into the world, it prepared me to experience a different piece of my soundtrack when her sister was born earlier this year.  That soundtrack is one that made me feel valued even though as my second pregnancy progressed, my capacity decreased temporarily.  This part of my soundtrack is one that allowed me to experience different movement.  It was a time of support and excitement.  Shared baby stories and support when my answers needed to be "no" for a season.  When I tried to blame myself for my lack of capacity, my soundtrack was filled with people, who pointed out value where I could not see it.

I have noticed that my soundtrack is becoming more peaceful, less dramatic at this time in my life.  Oh, there are some "dramatic" peaks occasionally.  You cannot always keeps other people's circuses out of your life, but when we let them, the extreme moments we experience have a lesson to teach us.  A lesson that can give us the opportunity to look for God in the unlikely places.

Reflecting on my soundtrack, has me recognizing that God can be there in the word "no".  That simple two letter word can create margin and rest in life.  It better prepares me for the moments that are more intense.  It puts me in a better place to find God when I feel like he has forgotten me.  It creates a rest, silence, space to hear the still small voice that is nearly indiscernible in the crescendo moments.

Sometimes God thunders from the mountain.  Sometimes he answers with fire.  Other times he is found only in the still small voice.  Still others he is in a lonely Garden, when others fail to keep watch with you.  Our soundtrack is a varied experience.  It contains the high movement, the loud moments and the rests because we need all of these.  All of these expressions serve to connect us to God in important ways and in that create our own personal unique soundtrack of life.

Lessons in Friendship

Today life seems to have found a little bit of normalcy... 

It's not perfect, but I have a clean organized kitchen so that counts for something right?  

I mean, I'm still dealing with the circus... That's annoying... I don't even like circuses!  I have never had the slightest urge to see the ringmaster, elephants or clowns (clowns really creep me out!).  Yet the ringmaster, elephants and clowns continue to intrude on my peaceful little world.  I keep telling myself they'll take their circus to another town at some point so there's hope...

But enough about the circus... Well, almost enough.  One of the things I am learning is that when those elephants rampage through your life... Sometimes you find yourself hiding under the seat with someone who proves they are one of those exceptional friends.  In a season of life when those relationships feel particularly dry, I find that when I discover those people hiding under the seats next to me I value them.  When life changes and you have that moment that C.S. Lewis so adequately describes...  

An acquaintance turns to friend the moment you realize this is someone you can text or call at any moment of the day and they will be there (ok, unless its 3 am and they finally got the screaming toddler back to sleep...).  They are someone you find yourself in the trenches of life with when you share the same crazy seasons of life.  

Recently, I've been reading books by Jennifer Dukes Lee, Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequest.  As I read about their personal tribes of friends I have found myself longing for that same type of friendship.  A tribe that genuinely felt like mine.  In my current season of life, I'm meeting new people, but relationship happen at a slow simmer for me, much like a really good homemade spaghetti sauce.  Friendships simmer for days, weeks, months and even years and I mourn their loss agonizingly when they change.  

As I read the stories of these women and their encouraging, strong friendships with their tribes, I suddenly realized that in that moment my tribe is small, but it is there.  I have those people it excites to hear from.  Some live states away, others on the other side of the city, but they are there.  Sometimes it just takes the rampaging elephants to see the friends and the family that fill those important roles of your tribe. 

So in the meantime what else am I learning?  

I'm learning to ditch the condiment bottles when the company comes... Serve the condiments in style because as one of my tribe says... It's the little things that elevate to make the ordinary special.  

I'm learning to take the moments and clap with your toddler as hard as you can to make the Little Einstein's rocket "Blast Off" (which you scream very loudly).  Because guess what?  She's the part of my tribe that shows me how to have fun with abandon.

I'm learning that decluttering and intentional living are only tasks when you do them yourself, but when you continue to learn to perfect them with one of your tribe you inspire each other to new levels.

I'm relearning the need to invest in whitespace and to stop and breath.

I'm learning to live 

Present Over Perfect.

Room to Breathe

Last week my classes started again.  Can I share I was more than a little nervous?  Since I had taken a brief break from my classes I was starting up with new classmates, a new professor and I had not written a paper in two months.  Now one thing that my return to college classes has highlighted to me is the fact that where I, myself am concerned, I am a bit of a perfectionist.  I have incredibly high standards for what I expect from myself.  

Right now I am not working.  My focus is on my classes and my position as Volunteer Director at our church (ok, so I'm kind of working for no pay, but it's great leadership experience!).  Of course, one thing I learned as I prepared to go back to school is that having a toddler, a 2 month old, maintaining a household, the church position and resuming classwork is a major juggling act.  And then there are my insanely high standards.  Can I confess that in the 2-3 weeks leading up to that return to school, those standards were not just driving my husband crazy, but they were driving me up the wall?!  

Somehow in the middle of the craziness and nerves, I found the strength to give myself grace.  Have you ever thought about how much strength it can take to practice grace?  For me in this instance it's Herculean! The truth is though once I stopped and was ok that the house was not going to look perfect for a few days, I had the margin to plan.  Planning for me is essential if I am going to accomplish anything and lets just say the pile of things on my plate that screamed for my attention is more than just one.  So in the middle of the craziness one week before school was scheduled to start I stopped.  I stopped everything for two days and just planned.  I took an inventory of the pantry, freezer and refrigerator and stopped to plan meals out through the end of July.  I sat down and thought of all the house work that needed to be done throughout the week and made a cleaning schedule.  I stopped and thought about a few things that I could do every single day that would help keep me from feeling like the house was overwhelming me and I wrote those items out to do daily.  I quit thinking about all of the productive things to do and asked myself what would give me joy and fill me up if I started doing it each day.  I then added that to my cleaning schedule as a daily ritual.  

At the end of those two days, I started working on making those things into a habit.  Now there are varying pieces of research that tell you how long you have to do something before it can truly be considered a habit, but to my mind, I did all of these things today on a Saturday morning without even thinking about it or questioning it, so I'm calling it a bona fide habit at this point!  The thing I noticed after realizing that yesterday I had a ton of margin in my day and had a Friday that could just be for me and things I enjoyed and today after realizing that our Saturday is running so smoothly we are all enjoying it that stopping was the best thing I could do for my family.

In stopping it allowed a reset.  It allowed me to intentionally create margin and space to breathe in the daily, weekly life of our family.  The difference it has made is amazing!  And the crazy thing is it doesn't mean we are not staying busy.  This week had Dustin away on a day trip for work.  My week consisted of the following:

Monday - Doctor's Appointment for Eden + Paper for School due

Tuesday - Dogs to the Groomer + Dustin home late due to furniture pick up (he found a sweet deal on a nice vintage coffee table that gives me a ton of space to use when folding clothes)

Wednesday - Appointment for Me + Dustin late due to work and picking up the rental car for his trip on Thursday

Thursday - Dustin out of Town + Meeting with our pastor in Greenwood for me + 2 posts due for school

Friday - Me out of Town for a meeting and girl time with my Mom

Through all of this while the cleaning schedule flexed where needed, I made it to Friday with everything completed!  This week felt like a solid win.  It occurred to me today though as I reflected on our week and as Dustin and I discussed some financial goals we have for the month of August that if we want to win with money we budget.  We save and calculate.  We assess our debts and (if you are a good Dave Ramsey student) make a plan to get rid of them as quickly as possible.  Why do we think our time is different?  Why do we think that we can wring a few extra minutes out of our day if we push hard enough?  If most of us budgeted our finances like we do our time we would find ourselves checking every vending machine we pass for change to pay the mortgage or rent!  The thing I learned the last couple of weeks is this:  

We all have the same 24 hours.  Just like our money if we choose not to budget it and just give it away to whatever cause knocks on our door that day, we get to the end of the day with a deficit of hours.  This means that the things we needed to do today have now become shifted to tomorrow.  The more that shift happens, the more we feel the stress that continual shift creates.  Ultimately, the only way to break the cycle is to STOP.  Sit down and figure out what is important for you.  Find time to invest in things that give to you rather than putting them off because of the continual shift you have created.  Despite what we think the world really can function without us for a brief period while we stop and take a breath.  If we fail to plan, we are planning to fail.  This is true with money, but also with our time.  

So 

STOP

Take time to 

BREATHE

and 

PLAN 

You really won't regret it.

The Exhale in Simplicity

"As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness."
-Henry David Thoreau

I have found myself reflecting on various relationships that have drastically changed over the couple of years.  I find myself mourning what once was.  I have struggled to understand why friendships I thought had substance and would stand the test of time have altered as to become unrecognizable.

I am a thinker.
I want to understand.
I am an introvert.
I mourn the loss of that deep relationship greatly.
I wonder how life is suppose to look when it changes so drastically.


Today, I had a realization.  Some relationships are forged from our circumstances.  Some of my fondest memories have been formed when money was not in abundance and creativity was required.  I find I miss the relationships that developed in that forced simplicity.

As I think about it, I believe that in times where we do not have the money or capacity to live in material abundance we are given a gift.  A gift which we often fail to recognize when we have it.  We long for the day we have more.  We convince ourselves we will use the more for good.  To better the lives of those around us, but so often if we are not careful the more ends up controlling us.  It allows us to assume more debt which demands repayment and interest.  It allows us to add more and more to our calendars which adds stress to our lives as we run from one commitment to another.


When we are in the moment of not having as much as we would like, we often refer to it as hard.  The reality that I'm discovering is that to choose simplicity is hard.  Simplicity does not come easily.  It requires intentionally saying no when you want so badly to say yes.  It requires looking at simplicity systemically.

For simplicity to be truly effective it must permeate our lives.  It means clearing our houses of clutter.  Getting rid of what we no longer use or does not bring us joy.  It involves an overhaul of our schedules and a focus on our core values as individuals and families.  It means clearing our emotional baggage so that we can engage with others from a place of health.

Often we look to the Amish or a previous era for our definition of simplicity.  While there are things to glean from others, we ourselves must create simplicity on our own.

It seems appropriate that as I think of this my word for 2016 comes to mind....
Exhale

To engage in genuine simplicity, the exhale becomes essential.  For myself, I have to let go of those relationships that have changed.   To recognize that they no longer help me move toward the life God is leading me toward.  In exhaling, I then have the capacity to inhale and move into the relationships that are at a similar place in life.  To engage with those who are searching for simplicity themselves.

My truth, this move to simplicity is extremely difficult.  It means asking myself the hard questions and being willing to hear truth from those I trust to help me grow.  Simplicity means following God where it is not comfortable sometimes because I want to make the easy choice.  It means saying to to things that seem good for the things that are better.  And sometimes it means stopping CPR on the life I am not meant to live and embracing the life I am intended for.

The Happiness in the Exhale

For the first time in months I feel like I finally have the opportunity to breathe!  Our life has been a whirlwind of the final weeks of pregnancy, the birth of our second daughter and helping a toddler adjust to life with a sister.  The truth.... It's felt a little overwhelming!  

I find as a mommy it is amazing the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to live up to others expectations.  We allow the voices and input of others to determine what makes us a "good" parent.  Our babies should be fed a certain way and if they are not particularly as mothers we experience the infamous "mommy guilt".  It is funny, but I did not experience a lot of that with my first child.  However , it hit me full force with my new little one.  

Here I was a second time mommy to a newborn with preemie experience under my belt and I spent 2 weeks second guessing everything I did.  Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive and aware husband!  After nearly 3 weeks of being part of a Facebook group that was suppose to offer support, he helped me recognize that I was not exactly experiencing support as much as I was feeling trapped by others opinions and choices.  Somehow, all of the progress I have made over the past several years in counseling flew out the window temporarily in the face of this group of women I didn't even know!  I never even posted the first question or comment in this group, but somehow I was letting these people dictate my life.  

And then I was reminded of my word for 2016....

Exhale

Just breathe.... Let it go....

In that moment when that amazing husband I have reminded me that this was our child and we genuinely knew what was best for our family, I found that I could refocus.  I could let go of the expectations that pressured me from this group and I could recognize that it was not in the best interest of our family for me to continue pursuing this ideal that I was not capable of achieving...

I've spent a lot of my life "doing"...

At some point I believed the lie that if I could do and was productive I had worth.

My truth....

I was not made to thrive on doing.

I was created in a way that thrives on relationship.  I would rather spend time one on one sharing life than to run crazy doing activities.  I enjoy and am encouraged by deep and meaningful conversation.  Small talk sucks the life out of me and leaves me exhausted.

The last few weeks have reminded me that when I focus on others expectations or perceived expectations of me I am miserable.  I am not in my sweet spot and I live my life exhausted.  

Since (with my husband's encouragement) I have been letting go of those expectations, I have found myself becoming more energized and in a better place to take on life. I have the capacity to do things I have not done in months.  I am taking advantage of my break from my classes to take part in not one, but two book clubs!  (I have missed reading just a bit)  I am taking time to enjoy my two little girls.  I have the capacity to make cookies with my toddler and watch a movie with my husband.  

I am taking time to breath and in doing that I am able to exhale and let go of those things that drag me down.  In doing that I have the space to embrace more things that bring me joy and energize me.  

The Reflection in the Cross

Today I stopped.  

Exhaled.

And for a few stolen moments I allowed myself to walk through a nature park.  

In doing this, taking this time, I realized how much I push this to the back of my list even though I know I desperately need it.  I need that time alone to hear from God.  Somehow I convinced myself over the past few weeks that because I was at home with no one around that I should have been getting my soul fed by solitude.  However, there is something that I have discovered in the past few years about time alone in nature that draws me closer to God and irrevocably changes me.

Today, as I started my walk my head was full of white noise.  The what if's and what should I do's of life that clamor so loudly for my attention.  As I moved into the park I was greeted by the waterfall that has been created by the run off from the lake into a little creek.  While it was the sound of water moving through it's natural environment it had a loud sound that mimicked the sound of the white noise I had brought into the park with me.  

As I followed the path I had started on the loud sounds of the waterfall, moved to a gentler sound of the babble of the creek that ran to my left.  Less noisy, but still a busy sound that while quieter than the rush of the white noise and falls, it still carried a busyness with it.

As I moved a little further down the path, I arrived at the edge of the lake that creates a centerpiece for this little nature preserve.  It had a stillness, a quietness that was so beautiful it demanded emotion.  As I just listened though, I heard the slightest lapping of the water as the breeze skimmed across the otherwise still surface in front of me.  

As I stood there I recognized the need that my soul had been begging for the moment to experience the gentle brush of the breeze that is God's presence.  It has been begging me to move away from the waterfall of white noise and even the distraction of the babbling creek of activity and just be still.  

Introvert or extrovert, I am completely convinced that there moments when we can only truly connect to God in moments of stillness.  When we find those moments to stop the busyness that we choose to engage in that we fill our lives with and just let God show us how he sees us.  

When we run through life from one thing to the next, we fill our seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months and even years with the white noise that sends us to look to others for our reflection.  When our life is the rushing waterfall or the babbling creek it is impossible for us to see our reflection as God intended us to see it.  We will always see a distorted version of ourselves that leaves us believing we are less than who we were created to be.  

We have entered the season of Lent.  

The time we remember the events leading up to Christ death on the cross.  

Have you ever stopped to reflect on the fact that Jesus, the Son of God, went away in solitude prior to the events we remember on Good Friday and Easter?  

Even Jesus needed a moment of silence, some relief from the white noise, an opportunity for whitespace before he could assume the burden of the cross.  

Today, on my walk I was struck by all of the burdens we take on ourselves.  The crosses we take on and carry.  Church work, children's activities, charity commitments, small groups and the list goes on.  Activities that are well intentioned, but do we actually stop to ask if they are the crosses God wants us to carry?  

Jesus went to Calvary with one specific cross.  It was the cross that God had planned for him from the beginning of time.   Even with that one cross, Jesus needed someone to help him with that particular burden.  God had also planned the exact person, who would help him carry that particular cross.

It makes me ask of myself, how many crosses have I tried to carry that were not mine to pick up?  Was I less than successful because they were never mine in the first place so that one person who I needed to help me with them was not there?  It makes me think that sometimes the moments we experience failure can be because we have picked up something we were never meant to pick up and it is impossible to find the reflection of what God sees in us through that cross.  Since God never intended it for us, there is no reflection of who he is molding us into represented there.  When we fail to find that we look to others for the reflection we hope to find and then we begin to become distracted by the babble of the creek.  When we carry the cross we were not intended to long enough, the babble turns into a waterfall of white noise and we then exhaust ourselves trying to find the reflection that can only be found in the stillness of the lake where God's breath can be felt.

Is there a cross that you are carrying that you might not have been intended to carry?  Are you in a place where you are overwhelmed by the waterfall of white noise?  What steps do you need to take to introduce the stillness of the lake where you can feel the breath of God so that you carry only the cross meant for you?

The Exhale in Our Journey

There comes a moment in every journey when the one traveling must exhale.  

On a hike it might be so you can crest the next hill.  You draw in a deep breath and push through to the top.

In life it often feels like the need to exhale comes before moving into a new phase. A new place of being.  Out of necessity we find ourselves driven to release something from the past so we can move on.  

It feels like I am at that point of my own journey.  I am feeling this need to exhale.  To let go of the voices that try so overwhelmingly to silence my own voice.  It is funny, but up to this point I had not realized how many people and influences I allow to silence my voice.

Somewhere inside I let a lie take root that various people over the course of my life have spoken into in a way that made me believe it as truth.  A lie that said my words do not hold the same value as another's.  The lie that said I was not good enough in a particular position.  The lie that said because I happen to be female my voice should not be heard as much as someone who happens to be male.  

I look at my journey and realize that as far as I have come and as much as I have grown, I still have pieces of the lies that have been spoken into my life that influence how I use my voice.  I move slower toward what I know to be right because voices with authority in past parts of my journey have convinced me that they hear God's voice for my life better than I could.  It makes me hesitate and think that God speaks to them differently than he does me because I hear a different message from him.  It convinces me that what I hear has to be wrong. 

Right now the need to exhale at this part of my journey feels so strong it is almost tangible, like I could reach out and touch it.  

Exhale.

The word is like a breath of fresh spring air wafting through the open window.  An invitation to forget the death and cold of winter and the past and an opportunity to welcome and embrace new life and new beginnings.

Exhale.

It is an invitation to rest in the present moment of our journey.  To welcome God into the very second we are in and to experience his truth in a completely new way.  It is an invitation to be still, to hear the still small sounds that we ignored in the busyness that has been our past.

What does that look like for you today?  How does it change your present to say yes to the stillness that allows us to hear most clearly from God?  

Living Simply

Live simply so others may simply live.

~Mother Teresa

I find myself pondering lately the complexity that we invite into our lives and accept as reasonable.  We run from one activity to another never genuinely having time to stop and live our own lives much less genuinely engage with others in their journeys.

When did we decide it was acceptable to create a normal that leaves no time to invest in caring for ourselves or to actually see and listen to those around us.  

Over the past year I've been so frustrated at the things I thought were keeping me from leading a normal life.  Health issues, panic attacks, job loss, relationship changes.  I fought them until I wasn't able to any longer and then somehow when I stopped fighting God was able to begin to use all of those things to mold me into a different person.

I feel that my life as now started to be summed up in those words of Mother Teresa,

"Live simply so others may simply live."

I find myself wondering occasionally how many opportunities I have missed to share life with others because I filled my plate full of things that weren't truly important.  How many times did I miss the opportunity to chat with the clerk at the store because I chose the self-checkout for expedience?  How many times was my head buried in my phone so that I missed the fact that the woman behind me in line needed someone to share her struggle that afternoon?  How many times have I missed a crucial part of a conversation with someone I called friend because I was texting another person I called friend rather than being present?

Recently, I had a mentor challenge me to look everyone I meet in the eyes and I would be amazed at the change it made in my life.  It's only been a couple of weeks since I started doing this, but I've been amazed at how true that has proved to be.  It has introduced an unbelievable number of conversations, some casual and some that give me a glimpse into another's life, but conversations that make me realize how lonely the lives we live are even in a society that provides more opportunities to be connected than ever before.  

I begin to realize as I reflect on the last year of my life that God has been preparing me for the moment that I could have someone look me in the eyes and challenge me to do that for others.  It makes me realize that health, panic attacks, the introduction of whitespace, decluttering both my home of material things, but also my schedule from empty busywork have all been the work of a graceful God helping me learn to clear my life to make space for all of these people he wanted to introduce.  The people that I only meet in line at the store once, but also the one's that I start to share life with as I begin shopping at our local farmers market and get to know the various vendors that show up week after week.  

So often we make agreements to fill our lives with things that are simply time fillers.  They fill our schedules, they eat at the patchwork of our lives, leaving us empty and cramming our schedules to the overflowing point trying desperately to fill our lives with a small scrap of something that brings us joy, but then we are too exhausted to actually experience the joy we were looking for.  

Living simply doesn't mean having nothing.  It doesn't look like a paupers house.  It just means letting go of the things that consume our time and energy leaving little to no time for living life with others.  What I've discovered is that I have the ability to show up for more things now than I did when I was overfilling my life.  I'm more available for those "best yes" moments because I'm learning to say no to so many more things.  Sometimes it's stuff, sometimes it's not committing to things I know drain me.  It looks different for all of us, but simple starts to create a beautiful pattern when more of us commit to living it.

What does your simple look like?

Whitespace is Faithfulness

     

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones....  Luke 16:10a

I think I'm in the middle of learning a lesson.   I have the bad tendency to push myself to the very edge of what I can tolerate before crashing.  Today happens to be a crash day.  The bad thing about a crash day for me is that when I crash I do it big.  Today I've moved from bed to couch to bed and back to the couch again.  My entire body aches and I haven't managed much more than taking care of my 8 month old.

The sad thing is I knew it was coming.  I knew yesterday that I was starting to crash, but I ignored the signs and did all of the things I was determined to do with my day.  I didn't take care of myself.  I didn't slow down and stop to focus on rest even though I knew I needed it.  And so I ignored one of the things God's been stressing to me the most lately.  That I need to be faithful in rest.

Faithful in rest.  Kind of sounds crazy when we are pushed in every direction we look to do more.  Take on more commitments at work, at church and in our community.  We don't really care whether we are good at said things, we just keep piling them on because we are asked to.  Never stopping to rest until our bodies completely and utterly let us down.

Today as I sit here, my body screaming at me that it needed to rest long before I gave in, the passage in Scripture came to mind where Jesus tells His disciples "If you are faithful in little things. you will be faithful in large ones.... Luke 16:10a (NLT).  I've read this verse I don't know how many times, but today I suddenly realize that the very first thing that God gave to my care I'm abusing.  I'm not always faithful in caring for my body.  I put it under stress it was never intended to endure and then I refuse to let it rest when it begs for it.  Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians that our body's are a temple of the Holy Spirit.  Somehow right now I'm picturing the Holy Spirit looking very much like a homeless person if He's trying to survive in the mess that is my body today.  I'm pretty sure the roof is leaking and a few windows are broken.  Which is where the importance of investing in soul rest comes into play.

A scene from It's a Wonderful Life comes to mind in which George comes "home" to Mary the night of their wedding and the roof is leaking and there are posters hiding the broken windows.  There's no rest in a place where the roof and windows leak.  When something is allowed to fall into disrepair it effects the entire structure and those who reside in it.  I'm starting to realize how failure to rest my body and soul effects my life.  

Sometimes I think we might have been our smartest in some ways as children.  Before we knew we were suppose to abuse our bodies in the name of adulthood we invested in resting when we needed to and giving our all to the things we enjoyed.  Somewhere along the way we lost that approach to life. We crammed our lives with activities forgetting to set aside time to rest and invest in our souls.  After all we were adults and that was kids stuff.  And our bodies have suffered.  

So the lesson I'm learning today is that I haven't taken the time to invest in Spiritual Whitespace the last week the way my soul needed and I feel it both physically and emotionally.  I'm drained and so tired.  While my roof isn't leaking like a sieve, I'm pretty sure I have a cracked window that needs repaired, but with that realization comes the opportunity to restore this temple before it becomes uninhabitable.  And so today I discovered that to invest in spiritual whitespace is to be faithful in one little thing so I'm ready for the large ones.