2018 One Word - Hope

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

~Jeremiah 29:11

For the past several years I have adopted a Word for the Year.  

2014 - Pieces

2015 - Recklessly Abandoned

2016 - Exhale

2017 Intentional

Quite honestly, most of those years those words have seemed really difficult.  They have become reminders though that words can have more depth and meaning then we ever imagine.  In 2014, leaving a job meant feeling like my life was falling apart.  It meant feelings of loss and abandonment.  It quite literally felt like life as I knew it was falling apart.

The crazy thing about words though is that they create a story.  When the end of 2015 came along I found myself once more leaving a job (which honestly seemed a little reckless), but this time it was with a sense of anticipation.  We were expecting our second child and I was about half way through school.  There was the offer of a volunteer position in the field I was studying and things looked promising.

2016 saw the birth of our second daughter and the releasing of various relationships, expectations and learning how to be a one income family.

As I have reflected on 2017, I find that once more the idea of being intentional has impacted my life in ways that I never expected.  It meant that in a year that held a lot of change my approach to that changed was different.  I wasn't just reacting to everything that was going on around me, I began to learn to slow down and be intentional about how I responded.  Our family as a whole has tried to be more intentional about how we spend our resources.  It has meant saying no to some good things so I could say yes to better things.

As we neared the end of 2017, I began my usual conversation with God.  It seems like every year my monologue with God goes something like this...

"So, God, are we doing a Word again this year?  I'm not really sure I want to.  Last year sort of hurt.  I'm not quite sure I liked the way that word played out.  Could I maybe have a "happier" word if we are going to do this again?"

Inevitably it seems that when I start this questioning, God begins to show me just how much having a word that year changed me.  I never hear that one word the same way.  I have started to think of it a experiential living.  We live our entire lives using words, but do we fully absorb their impact?  We use words to argue our point in a debate.  We use words to build up, but also belittle others.  Even if you chose a word for the year, have you ever asked God to speak that word over your life for an entire year?

This year God indicated earlier that usual what my word for 2018 would be.
Hope.

I'll be honest.... I'm a little nervous about this word.  I have learned over the past few years that there is always more to a word than we see on the surface.  I think of hope as something clean and pure, a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am a little afraid to have that definition challenged.  What if I don't like what I learn about hope this year?  But what if a new understanding of hope changes me?

And in that comes once again the reminder that words can be one dimensional or they can be experiential.  To live a year allowing God to demonstrate the multi-dimensional facets of one single word or phrase is truly life changing.

Hope will change my life this year.
Will I like all of the ways that happens?
Probably not.
But will I have a deeper understanding of that one singular word Hope by the end of 2018?
Most Definitely!

An Intentional Christmas

Sometimes even though my word for 2017 has been Intentional, it seems like intentionality finds me in curious ways.  Going into November I didn't really think about celebrating Christmas intentionally.  I was just trying to survive.  

Then it happened...

I felt God telling me I had to stop and slow down.

I was doing lots of good things, but they were not necessarily the best things.

It can be funny how we get caught up doing and being part of something and we miss the fact that we are losing who God created us to be in the middle of all the activity.

So I listened 

(after several weeks of sickness that forced rest on me)

And I stopped...

And then I started to hear again...

It is amazing how quickly we can lose the still small voice that God uses to speak His truth into our lives.  

A podcast I listened to recently suggested that the reason God speaks so softly and quietly is so we have to lean in close to him to hear...

I loved the visual this creates....

It makes me think of my own daughters...

One of my favorite things to do in the middle of a tickle fight is to pull them close and say...

"I love you so much!"

And that is how my Christmas season has become Intentional...

In a moment of wrestling and struggling with all the unknowns that loom in my near future God pulled me close and whispered... 

"I love you so much!

I have plans for you that you can't even begin to imagine

and I am working it all out in my time.

I'm working on your future so you can just be and enjoy the present."

So as November faded into the past and December became my present, I began looking for ways to intentionally enjoy a time of year that can be so chaotic and crazy.  

So far we have managed three different visits with Santa for Myka, my oldest daughter.

We have shared the excitement of our annual Victorian Christmas celebration with our community.

We have painted ornaments, made cookies, just driven around looking at Christmas lights.

My husband and I took the time to cram ourselves into a little train because a three year old asked, 

"Can you ride with me?"

We are just twelve days into December, but I have unintentionally met goals early by suddenly having the margin to invest energy I did not have before I listened and stopped.

I have been learning in this Year of Intentional that intentionality is not something that comes easy.

It can look great on a motivational poster.

It sounds really inspiring.

The reality...

It is really hard...

For me this year Intentional has met setting boundaries that protect my physical and emotional health and holding those boundaries even when it becomes uncomfortable.

Intentional has been saying no when the desire to please screams that I should say yes.

But as we come to the end of the year I feel like I am recognizing exactly how much this one word has changed my life.  

The word Intentional has taught me better self care and in teaching me that it has made me a better wife, mother and friend.

Being Intentional has helped me create margin so that I can slow down and listen just a little more closely for that holy whisper that says...

"I love you so much!"

My Word for 2017 - Intentional

2017 is nearly a week old and I am already finding my word for the year is challenging me.

For the past few years I have chosen a word or phrase.  

2014 was Pieces - my life felt like it falled apart.

2015 was Reckless Abandon - We started the year by leaving a church we cared deeply about and I ended the year by leaving my job due to my second pregnancy with no idea how we would manage as a one income family.

2016 was Exhale - I have felt deeply the loss of relationships I once thought were solid, experienced the loss of not one, but two of our pups and found that I needed to let go of much more than I realized

For 2017, I found myself wondering whether I wanted to go down this path of one word yet again, but God kept bringing the word Intentional to my attention.

Now I should probably mention that our family has spent the last 3 1/2 years working to be more intentional about many things.

Resources...

Finances...

Time...

Even our Trash...

Just last fall I invested in an amazing new planner to help me plan my year, month, week, day and even hour more effectively.  

Not even a full week into the year and I am already learning that intentional is not just about the planner.  

Starting the new year I determined I would begin to walk our dog several times a week.

I would implement a schedule for housework.

I would plan out the time that I would spend on church work, school work and personal time.

It looks great on paper.

Tuesday started out good!  I implemented my plan.  The dog took a walk, the housework was tackled, I was on a roll!

Wednesday went well, I got a good handle on some school work, housework was tackled and the dog had his walk.

Then Thursday hit.  

I'm not sure what felt off about Thursday, but I struggled.  It was hard to get off the couch and move.  I didn't want to leave the house and to be honest, the new LuLaRoe outfit I wanted to put on was the only thing that motivated me to get out of the house.  

I made my way to Starbucks to study and as I arrived I had a realization....

Intentional is not just a list of things to accomplish.  

Sometimes Intentional is looking at that To-Do List and recognizing that of all the things I need to accomplish today these two things are the most important and just getting them done is a win.

Intentional is evaluating every day what is important, what is urgent and what can move and flex.  

I am realizing that my Word for the Year can be something I try to force into my life...

Or it can be a focus Word that allows God to guide my steps through the year.

My word becomes a learning opportunity.

It becomes a way to really focus and listen to what God wants to speak into an area of my life.

The Happiness in the Exhale

For the first time in months I feel like I finally have the opportunity to breathe!  Our life has been a whirlwind of the final weeks of pregnancy, the birth of our second daughter and helping a toddler adjust to life with a sister.  The truth.... It's felt a little overwhelming!  

I find as a mommy it is amazing the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to live up to others expectations.  We allow the voices and input of others to determine what makes us a "good" parent.  Our babies should be fed a certain way and if they are not particularly as mothers we experience the infamous "mommy guilt".  It is funny, but I did not experience a lot of that with my first child.  However , it hit me full force with my new little one.  

Here I was a second time mommy to a newborn with preemie experience under my belt and I spent 2 weeks second guessing everything I did.  Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive and aware husband!  After nearly 3 weeks of being part of a Facebook group that was suppose to offer support, he helped me recognize that I was not exactly experiencing support as much as I was feeling trapped by others opinions and choices.  Somehow, all of the progress I have made over the past several years in counseling flew out the window temporarily in the face of this group of women I didn't even know!  I never even posted the first question or comment in this group, but somehow I was letting these people dictate my life.  

And then I was reminded of my word for 2016....

Exhale

Just breathe.... Let it go....

In that moment when that amazing husband I have reminded me that this was our child and we genuinely knew what was best for our family, I found that I could refocus.  I could let go of the expectations that pressured me from this group and I could recognize that it was not in the best interest of our family for me to continue pursuing this ideal that I was not capable of achieving...

I've spent a lot of my life "doing"...

At some point I believed the lie that if I could do and was productive I had worth.

My truth....

I was not made to thrive on doing.

I was created in a way that thrives on relationship.  I would rather spend time one on one sharing life than to run crazy doing activities.  I enjoy and am encouraged by deep and meaningful conversation.  Small talk sucks the life out of me and leaves me exhausted.

The last few weeks have reminded me that when I focus on others expectations or perceived expectations of me I am miserable.  I am not in my sweet spot and I live my life exhausted.  

Since (with my husband's encouragement) I have been letting go of those expectations, I have found myself becoming more energized and in a better place to take on life. I have the capacity to do things I have not done in months.  I am taking advantage of my break from my classes to take part in not one, but two book clubs!  (I have missed reading just a bit)  I am taking time to enjoy my two little girls.  I have the capacity to make cookies with my toddler and watch a movie with my husband.  

I am taking time to breath and in doing that I am able to exhale and let go of those things that drag me down.  In doing that I have the space to embrace more things that bring me joy and energize me.  

Reflections on 2015 and My One Word 2016

It's been months since I've posted.  I debated whether to even bother with it.  I'm pregnant, a mommy to an extremely active toddler, a wife and an adult college student.  All of those combined make life feel really overwhelming at times.  It's not really extreme busyness, but all of them combined mean that posting on a blog that isn't accomplishing a school assignment has fallen off of the radar for me.  

I suppose that all of that led to what has become my One Word for 2016.  2015 was full of choices made by myself and with my husband that definitely lived up to my word/s for 2015.  Recklessly Abandon.  In one simple year with only the agreement to follow God wherever that phrase led I find that it's been a year filled with change and challenges for both myself personally and for our family. 

Following God with Reckless Abandon means that you are challenged on whether you will do the things that do not make sense to anyone around you.  For us it meant leaving the church we were part of and over the next few months joining our lives (however painful slowly it might seemed to have taken) to a church plant 30 minutes away because God says "that is where I want to grow you".  It means reaching out to someone you've admired from a distance and risking rejection by asking "Will you mentor me?"  It looks like starting school when it hardly makes sense as you are no where near being in the career field that this degree will qualify you for and it means saying "yes" to God when He says you are finished with the job that is helping pay some of the bills.

For the past two years, I have chosen one word to live out through the year.  To be honest, the first time was largely driven by the fact the church I served at on staff decided to do a series on One Word and as part of the staff I felt a certain amount of pressure to perform and felt I should chose a word.  I find it funny how God can take something that you do out of a sense of duty and make it something that redefines your life.  That first year my word was Pieces.  I don't think I will ever forget that year...  It literally felt like my life fell apart.  I lost the one job I had that made sense to me and felt like it was suppose to be in line with my calling.  I experienced an isolating pregnancy and went into the end of 2014 depleted, alone and feeling extremely broken.  Coming into 2015, I had a certain amount of trepidation at choosing another word, but this time the challenge came from a blogger and author I had come to love and respect so I decided I would once again try the word for a year.

Entering 2016, I once again wondered if I really wanted to chance letting a word define my year and my answer came as I listened to a song that had come to my attention over the past few months.  Plumb's Exhale.  

Exhale.  It's a word that speaks of letting go.  Getting rid of the toxic things that hang over our lives and moving toward the grace, freedom and love that God offers us.  One of the things I have learned about myself is that as a relational introvert, I can have a tendency to hang on to relationships long after they have outlived their purpose in my life.  What I'm finding in this season of my life is that I have less capacity for things so I am going into the New Year knowing I have to be intentional with my time, energy and resources.  It means choosing wisely in what I hold on to and what I let go.  

Exhale.  

Let go. 

Somehow I already expect 2016 to be painful in some ways, but I have also learned out of two years of words that proved painful that in our greatest pain, God is doing some of His most powerful healing in our lives.  He is growing and stretching us because He knows what we are capable of becoming.  We become the one's to halt our own growth when we let fear dictate our lives and decisions.  What about you?  Have you ever tried One Word for a year?  Is this the year to try it?  I'd love to hear if you do!