The Exhale in Emotion

Emotions are difficult. 

 Emotions are messy.  

Having emotions has gotten me reprimanded more than once.

On the other hand....

Emotions are complex.  

They are an intricate creation designed by an amazingly creative God.

Emotions are reminders.

They symbolize that we are alive, we can feel.

Emotions are connection.

They have the ability to redirect us to the loving, caring God, who holds our past and our future in his hands.

Today, I'm full of emotions.

I am so excited at the direction my tribe known as Southeast Project is headed!

I have emotions I cannot even name as I see the journey that God has lead this group of people on even before our family joined them and where we are headed with them.

I feel happiness at watching my two year old insist that she needed to go say hello to Jared, our worship pastor, before she would go to the nursery.

I felt amusement as after service she proceeded to run around the worship space calling to his fiancée, Shelby.

I feel connected as I walk through the various areas and realize I can celebrate with many other people the amazing things that are happening in their lives.

At the same time I feel sadness.

I am not really a fan of that emotion.  

I realized today that whatever myself and others that have been in my life might think; my daughters will not really know most of the people I thought they would grow up knowing two years ago.

I feel loss as I look at the people I used to know, but who no longer are a part of our life.

I feel anger at those, who are responsible for the circumstances that led to that separation.

I really don't feel comfortable with the anger.

I feel like it is an emotion I am not allowed to express.

But it doesn't exactly go away....

I feel tension as I live in the reality that I feel the happiness, the sadness, the connection, the loss, but  the anger leaves me living in the tension the most.

In the past I have always stuffed the anger pretending that I could spiritualize it and "pray" for those that have hurt me.  I think I am realizing like many things in my life, spiritualizing and "praying" really does not do much but connect me more deeply with the Pharisees.  You see, even though I am not typically quite as impulsive as Peter; I feel much more like cutting someone's ear off when I am experiencing anger.  

So the tension is there in the anger.  It often feels like every day is lived in the tension of will I blast the object of my anger?  Or will I hand it to God and say "I can't do this. Help me."  The tension remains as right now the anger has lessons it is teaching me.

Ephesians 4:26 tells us "Do not sin in your anger.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,".  The part we often fail to read on to see is verse 27, "and do not give the devil a foothold."  When I focus on not letting the sun go down while I'm angry, I feel like a major failure.  I have been experiencing anger for nearly 3 years now whether I have admitted to it or not.  My husband was the one to bring my attention to the first part of the verse, "Do not sin in your anger."  When I move on to the next verse and realize that not giving the devil a foothold is part of the instruction I start to look at the whole concept to this anger thing.  

My anger is an emotion.  God created every one of my complex, messy, connected emotions.  This makes every single one of them beautiful.  

Yes, even anger....

If I let it my anger teaches me that I can try with all my might to check off the right boxes, but this emotion of anger is like corralling cats.  I do not have the ability to manage it on my own.  If I try to handle it, it is going to run all over the place!  So my anger serves as a tool that God can use to draw me closer to him.  If I am not to sin in my anger and I cannot control said anger on my own forever, then the only way to manage it is to continually bring it to him for help.  

And therein lies the exhale...

Anger does not have to be a bad thing. 

It can be a powerful tool in God's box to build relationship with me.

I can breath....

I can let go...

I can exhale...

Will I experience it tomorrow?

Maybe...

You cannot heal what you do not acknowledge,
and what you do not consciously acknowledge will remain in control of you from within,
festering and destroying you and those around you.
~Richard Rohr

Today I realized that acknowledging the emotion of anger give that opportunity to heal.  

When I name it and acknowledge it I deny it the power to fester and destroy.

Healing never happens if we ignore the very thing preventing it.

So I might experience the anger tomorrow or the next day or the next.

But owning that it exists prevents that foothold from being established and acknowledging it invites God into my story to start the healing process.

A Terrible, Impossible Thing

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."

~C.S. Lewis

I find lately that I am at a crossroads.  It is an odd sort of place.  It does not look anything like I expected it to look.  It is a crossroads where my desire to avoid conflict comes in direct contact with the call that God has placed on my life.  It is a call I successfully have avoided sharing with many while still pursuing it in a secret sort of way.  I could refer to pieces of it and find a way to actually avoid ever owning up to the truth that lay behind the partial story I shared.  

I have a gift.  I told some friends lately it's a blessing and a curse, but my gift is the ability to read people.  My first read of someone is seldom wrong.  It scares me sometimes when I start to see those first impressions I get of a person begin to prove true.  

Lately I have begun to realize how much I have been using this gift to avoid conflict.  See I can get a really good idea of whether my bigger secret is safe to say around you without creating the conflict I fear.  I have used this gift, which has amazing potential as a barrier between myself and hurt, shunning and isolation.  I learned at a young age that to be accepted you say the right things around the right people.  That's just the way life works.

And so I hide the most import piece of myself away from most of the world.

I hide it from friends and family.

I make the "right" people happy by not saying the words out loud.

And in doing so I stifle a piece of myself more and more.

As my excitement grows at the endless potential I see around me, at the direction my life is headed.  I find myself wanting to share my excitement with others.  But I wait and find the "safe" spots.  The places where I am guaranteed that I will not experience that conflict.  Where I run no risk of being shamed or put down because of what I have to say.

So I find mentors and meet with them, while avoiding actually mentioning to very many others why I pursue the relationship.  I take classes and still manage to avoid actually saying the words that describe the job for which I am preparing.  

You see, there is a part of me that fears even God will not be able to repair the damage if I say the words.  But the truth is still there even when I shadow it in vague descriptions.  I think that is the crossroads I find myself at.  It is becoming harder and harder to "hide" my truth.  It is becoming more central to who I am than ever.  

And then there are my two little girls.  I look at them and realize.... I do not want them to be like this version of me.  The person, who hides a key part of who God created them to be out of fear.  

So the truth.... My role as student is temporary.  A sort of training for the longer journey ahead.  My role as Volunteer Director at our church.  More extensive real life experience, a chance to learn from an incredibly gifted pastor, who shares his wins as well as his screw ups and makes me realize that I will be able to live out that calling if I surround myself with the right people to support me and challenge me.

I do know the role of a pastor is not an easy one.  Honestly, it's probably not what I would have picked if God had handed me a huge book and said pick your ideal career.  I would have picked something safe like librarian...  No one can really tell you you should not have that position...  There is no end to the debate of whether women should be in pulpits or not.  I know....  I have heard the arguments most of my life.

But my crossroads has brought me to that moment when I can listen to the arguments for all the reasons I should not pursue this path God is leading me down.  Or I can follow.  It really is as terrible and impossible as Lewis implies...  To hand over one's whole self... all your precautions to Christ.  It feel a little like jumping out of a plane without a parachute waiting for someone else to catch you.  But is that not the life God calls us to lead?  We admire Abraham for packing up and following God to a land that he did not know, but we often opt for safety in our own choices.

So I exhale....

And finally own publicly the reality that my Bachelors of Biblical Studies degree is to prepare for ministry.  

To follow a call from God to lead.

And yes.... 

That would be to lead from a pulpit one day.

Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys.... Until It Is...

It's slightly annoying when other people's monkeys become your circus.... It's incredibly irritating when they turn their elephants loose on the crowd that you are in!

~Tonya Schrougham

This last week has been incredibly crazy!  Just when life felt like we were finding a normal, we get hit with a cost increase in a budget area that was not scheduled to change until the beginning of next year.  While one part of me is really happy with my initial reaction to this particular surprise with an insanely short window for adjustment and decision making (I had my worse case scenario plan together within 15 minutes of being informed of this change), I do find myself drifting into the world of worry on occasion.  I do not make decisions lightly so having the pressure to need to readjust with no warning whatsoever and less than two weeks before the cost increase hits is not exactly something I like.  

One thing I am learning during this season in life is that while I LOVE the popular meme that makes the rounds on Facebook and Pinterest:

I am beginning to notice that some people turn their elephants loose on me while I'm admiring the insanity of their monkeys....  Then comes the moment of truth.... Do I stay in their circus or is it time to exit the vicinity completely?  It seems like it should be such an easy choice!  After all... Who in their right mind stays in the path of the stampeding elephants?!  

But what happens when the elephants do not look like elephants?  What happens when the other people in the path of the stampeding elephants are relationships you value?  Relationships that have meant something to you in moments of growth?  Then the decision to leave or stay even in the stampede of insanity that only sees the scary little mouse that is actually a mere blip on the radar of life.  All of the sudden a challenge becomes the thing that throws everyone's world out of balance.  And so the elephants stampede...  Reaction to the perceived threat begins a chain reaction of choices that have impact beyond the immediate apparent "solutions" they offer.  

This particular change has me frustrated at times, mad at other times and at other moments excited at the possibilities.  I become frustrated that a short time frame has been forced on me (I'm determined not to pour money down that particular drain when the end result is the same in the long run). I become mad in other moments when all I see is yet another broken promise and the impact that has yet again on my life when I thought I had distanced myself enough from this particular person.  In the end, however, I keep coming back to the excitement at the possibilities.  

You see, I like familiarity.  I like what is comfortable.  But deep down inside I know that comfort and familiarity are not the things that make me grow.  I grow when I step outside that comfort zone and embrace the unknown.  In the end I realize that this change and decision is not much different than our decision this year to begin recycling.  The choice to recycle led to a decrease in our garbage to the extent we just in the past couple of weeks dropped our trash service opting to transport our trash ourselves as it saves us money.  As we have been looking at cutting expenses in our budget over the past couple of months we have addressed and looked at nearly every area except the area that we are now being forced to address.  With that comes a certain excitement at the possibilities... my truth... this particular change contains the potential to declutter my life emotionally as it allows me to move more fully past a painful piece of my story.  It allows me to make decisions from a less emotional place and genuinely assess what works and what does not work for our family both financially and emotionally.  In embracing the freedom of choice that comes with this change I allow myself the ability to exit the circus and leave the monkeys and elephants behind for someone else to deal with!  Will that be our family's choice?  Maybe, maybe not, but what I now have is a freedom to choose.  

And reassessing the impact of other peoples monkeys and elephants in my life is something I am discovering I need to do more often!  

In the end it really is a form of exhaling....  

Yep, that would be why these monkeys and elephants found me... 

The need for 

Exhale.

The Exhale in Simplicity

"As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness."
-Henry David Thoreau

I have found myself reflecting on various relationships that have drastically changed over the couple of years.  I find myself mourning what once was.  I have struggled to understand why friendships I thought had substance and would stand the test of time have altered as to become unrecognizable.

I am a thinker.
I want to understand.
I am an introvert.
I mourn the loss of that deep relationship greatly.
I wonder how life is suppose to look when it changes so drastically.


Today, I had a realization.  Some relationships are forged from our circumstances.  Some of my fondest memories have been formed when money was not in abundance and creativity was required.  I find I miss the relationships that developed in that forced simplicity.

As I think about it, I believe that in times where we do not have the money or capacity to live in material abundance we are given a gift.  A gift which we often fail to recognize when we have it.  We long for the day we have more.  We convince ourselves we will use the more for good.  To better the lives of those around us, but so often if we are not careful the more ends up controlling us.  It allows us to assume more debt which demands repayment and interest.  It allows us to add more and more to our calendars which adds stress to our lives as we run from one commitment to another.


When we are in the moment of not having as much as we would like, we often refer to it as hard.  The reality that I'm discovering is that to choose simplicity is hard.  Simplicity does not come easily.  It requires intentionally saying no when you want so badly to say yes.  It requires looking at simplicity systemically.

For simplicity to be truly effective it must permeate our lives.  It means clearing our houses of clutter.  Getting rid of what we no longer use or does not bring us joy.  It involves an overhaul of our schedules and a focus on our core values as individuals and families.  It means clearing our emotional baggage so that we can engage with others from a place of health.

Often we look to the Amish or a previous era for our definition of simplicity.  While there are things to glean from others, we ourselves must create simplicity on our own.

It seems appropriate that as I think of this my word for 2016 comes to mind....
Exhale

To engage in genuine simplicity, the exhale becomes essential.  For myself, I have to let go of those relationships that have changed.   To recognize that they no longer help me move toward the life God is leading me toward.  In exhaling, I then have the capacity to inhale and move into the relationships that are at a similar place in life.  To engage with those who are searching for simplicity themselves.

My truth, this move to simplicity is extremely difficult.  It means asking myself the hard questions and being willing to hear truth from those I trust to help me grow.  Simplicity means following God where it is not comfortable sometimes because I want to make the easy choice.  It means saying to to things that seem good for the things that are better.  And sometimes it means stopping CPR on the life I am not meant to live and embracing the life I am intended for.

The Happiness in the Exhale

For the first time in months I feel like I finally have the opportunity to breathe!  Our life has been a whirlwind of the final weeks of pregnancy, the birth of our second daughter and helping a toddler adjust to life with a sister.  The truth.... It's felt a little overwhelming!  

I find as a mommy it is amazing the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to live up to others expectations.  We allow the voices and input of others to determine what makes us a "good" parent.  Our babies should be fed a certain way and if they are not particularly as mothers we experience the infamous "mommy guilt".  It is funny, but I did not experience a lot of that with my first child.  However , it hit me full force with my new little one.  

Here I was a second time mommy to a newborn with preemie experience under my belt and I spent 2 weeks second guessing everything I did.  Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive and aware husband!  After nearly 3 weeks of being part of a Facebook group that was suppose to offer support, he helped me recognize that I was not exactly experiencing support as much as I was feeling trapped by others opinions and choices.  Somehow, all of the progress I have made over the past several years in counseling flew out the window temporarily in the face of this group of women I didn't even know!  I never even posted the first question or comment in this group, but somehow I was letting these people dictate my life.  

And then I was reminded of my word for 2016....

Exhale

Just breathe.... Let it go....

In that moment when that amazing husband I have reminded me that this was our child and we genuinely knew what was best for our family, I found that I could refocus.  I could let go of the expectations that pressured me from this group and I could recognize that it was not in the best interest of our family for me to continue pursuing this ideal that I was not capable of achieving...

I've spent a lot of my life "doing"...

At some point I believed the lie that if I could do and was productive I had worth.

My truth....

I was not made to thrive on doing.

I was created in a way that thrives on relationship.  I would rather spend time one on one sharing life than to run crazy doing activities.  I enjoy and am encouraged by deep and meaningful conversation.  Small talk sucks the life out of me and leaves me exhausted.

The last few weeks have reminded me that when I focus on others expectations or perceived expectations of me I am miserable.  I am not in my sweet spot and I live my life exhausted.  

Since (with my husband's encouragement) I have been letting go of those expectations, I have found myself becoming more energized and in a better place to take on life. I have the capacity to do things I have not done in months.  I am taking advantage of my break from my classes to take part in not one, but two book clubs!  (I have missed reading just a bit)  I am taking time to enjoy my two little girls.  I have the capacity to make cookies with my toddler and watch a movie with my husband.  

I am taking time to breath and in doing that I am able to exhale and let go of those things that drag me down.  In doing that I have the space to embrace more things that bring me joy and energize me.  

The Exhale in Our Journey

There comes a moment in every journey when the one traveling must exhale.  

On a hike it might be so you can crest the next hill.  You draw in a deep breath and push through to the top.

In life it often feels like the need to exhale comes before moving into a new phase. A new place of being.  Out of necessity we find ourselves driven to release something from the past so we can move on.  

It feels like I am at that point of my own journey.  I am feeling this need to exhale.  To let go of the voices that try so overwhelmingly to silence my own voice.  It is funny, but up to this point I had not realized how many people and influences I allow to silence my voice.

Somewhere inside I let a lie take root that various people over the course of my life have spoken into in a way that made me believe it as truth.  A lie that said my words do not hold the same value as another's.  The lie that said I was not good enough in a particular position.  The lie that said because I happen to be female my voice should not be heard as much as someone who happens to be male.  

I look at my journey and realize that as far as I have come and as much as I have grown, I still have pieces of the lies that have been spoken into my life that influence how I use my voice.  I move slower toward what I know to be right because voices with authority in past parts of my journey have convinced me that they hear God's voice for my life better than I could.  It makes me hesitate and think that God speaks to them differently than he does me because I hear a different message from him.  It convinces me that what I hear has to be wrong. 

Right now the need to exhale at this part of my journey feels so strong it is almost tangible, like I could reach out and touch it.  

Exhale.

The word is like a breath of fresh spring air wafting through the open window.  An invitation to forget the death and cold of winter and the past and an opportunity to welcome and embrace new life and new beginnings.

Exhale.

It is an invitation to rest in the present moment of our journey.  To welcome God into the very second we are in and to experience his truth in a completely new way.  It is an invitation to be still, to hear the still small sounds that we ignored in the busyness that has been our past.

What does that look like for you today?  How does it change your present to say yes to the stillness that allows us to hear most clearly from God?  

The Rest of Exhale

Exhale.  

My One Word for 2016.  

Just a few short weeks into the month and I have already started to find myself challenged by the word.  Have you ever stopped to realize how quickly our calendars attempt to fill themselves up?  It kind of makes them sound like they are living beings, but often I think we fail to remember that they are inanimate objects that can be of great use or they can become the albatross around our necks.

A calendar can be the thing we look at to create space in our lives.  Or it can be the thing we fill to the max in an attempt to find our purpose and passion in life.  I have been so guilty of doing the later.  Feeling like I need to be doing to be productive.  It makes the moments when I am not experiencing forward movement feel like moments of failure.

Exhale.

Have you ever stopped to just observe your breathing pattern?  It is an exercise that both of my counselors have needed to remind me of occasionally as a means to manage my anxiety and panic attacks.

With my word for the 2016 being exhale, I have found myself this week doing that exercise not because of panic attacks, but because it serves as a reminder to rest in the moment.  

When I take a moment to exhale while purposefully grocery shopping it makes me observe the flowers that will add happiness and emotion to my living room.  

When I exhale while struggling with the varying moods of a 16 month old. who is still trying to figure out how to communicate what exactly it is she wants, I find myself seeing pieces of myself in this beautiful little girl.

In a world where we are surrounded with the latest medical journals, available with a mere click of the mouse, how do we miss that the most basic function of our existence is dependent on the act of exhaling?  We do it every day without thought as we breath in and breath out, but in our mental and emotional worlds we continue to push ourselves to the extreme trying to be productive and discover ourselves.  

Somehow in those moments I think we lose ourselves the most.  We lose sight of who God created us to be.  God creates some of us with amazing energy and drive, but if we focus only on that we lose endless opportunities to be present in the moments and with the people that surround us.  

Exhale.

Rest.

When we exhale as a physical function it provides our lungs the opportunity to rest.  We then have the ability to run marathons, climb mountains and if you're me.... Chase a 16 month old around the house.  These things are only possible when our lungs have that split second of rest.  But think about it.... How much resting do our lungs do in one day by the mere act of exhaling? 

In contrast, how often do we rest ourselves, our emotions, our bodies, our minds?  God creates our bodies with endless reminders that we were made to rest.  God begins the story of Creation by resting on the seventh day.  

One of my favorite stories from the Old Testament is the moment Elijah is hiding in a cave when this happens:

The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

(1 Kings 19:11-12)

Wind.

 Earthquake. 

Fire.

All of these are high energy, driven occurrences, but those are not the moments when God chose to speak to Elijah.  God spoke in a soft whisper.  And when Elijah hears that soft whisper and responses, God is able to use him to do amazing things!  It's in the moments of silence and stillness when God has the space to speak the strongest into our lives.  

So whatever your word for the year might be, I encourage you to think about how it looks when you add the component of rest to that word.  

Reflections on 2015 and My One Word 2016

It's been months since I've posted.  I debated whether to even bother with it.  I'm pregnant, a mommy to an extremely active toddler, a wife and an adult college student.  All of those combined make life feel really overwhelming at times.  It's not really extreme busyness, but all of them combined mean that posting on a blog that isn't accomplishing a school assignment has fallen off of the radar for me.  

I suppose that all of that led to what has become my One Word for 2016.  2015 was full of choices made by myself and with my husband that definitely lived up to my word/s for 2015.  Recklessly Abandon.  In one simple year with only the agreement to follow God wherever that phrase led I find that it's been a year filled with change and challenges for both myself personally and for our family. 

Following God with Reckless Abandon means that you are challenged on whether you will do the things that do not make sense to anyone around you.  For us it meant leaving the church we were part of and over the next few months joining our lives (however painful slowly it might seemed to have taken) to a church plant 30 minutes away because God says "that is where I want to grow you".  It means reaching out to someone you've admired from a distance and risking rejection by asking "Will you mentor me?"  It looks like starting school when it hardly makes sense as you are no where near being in the career field that this degree will qualify you for and it means saying "yes" to God when He says you are finished with the job that is helping pay some of the bills.

For the past two years, I have chosen one word to live out through the year.  To be honest, the first time was largely driven by the fact the church I served at on staff decided to do a series on One Word and as part of the staff I felt a certain amount of pressure to perform and felt I should chose a word.  I find it funny how God can take something that you do out of a sense of duty and make it something that redefines your life.  That first year my word was Pieces.  I don't think I will ever forget that year...  It literally felt like my life fell apart.  I lost the one job I had that made sense to me and felt like it was suppose to be in line with my calling.  I experienced an isolating pregnancy and went into the end of 2014 depleted, alone and feeling extremely broken.  Coming into 2015, I had a certain amount of trepidation at choosing another word, but this time the challenge came from a blogger and author I had come to love and respect so I decided I would once again try the word for a year.

Entering 2016, I once again wondered if I really wanted to chance letting a word define my year and my answer came as I listened to a song that had come to my attention over the past few months.  Plumb's Exhale.  

Exhale.  It's a word that speaks of letting go.  Getting rid of the toxic things that hang over our lives and moving toward the grace, freedom and love that God offers us.  One of the things I have learned about myself is that as a relational introvert, I can have a tendency to hang on to relationships long after they have outlived their purpose in my life.  What I'm finding in this season of my life is that I have less capacity for things so I am going into the New Year knowing I have to be intentional with my time, energy and resources.  It means choosing wisely in what I hold on to and what I let go.  

Exhale.  

Let go. 

Somehow I already expect 2016 to be painful in some ways, but I have also learned out of two years of words that proved painful that in our greatest pain, God is doing some of His most powerful healing in our lives.  He is growing and stretching us because He knows what we are capable of becoming.  We become the one's to halt our own growth when we let fear dictate our lives and decisions.  What about you?  Have you ever tried One Word for a year?  Is this the year to try it?  I'd love to hear if you do!