A Terrible, Impossible Thing

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."

~C.S. Lewis

I find lately that I am at a crossroads.  It is an odd sort of place.  It does not look anything like I expected it to look.  It is a crossroads where my desire to avoid conflict comes in direct contact with the call that God has placed on my life.  It is a call I successfully have avoided sharing with many while still pursuing it in a secret sort of way.  I could refer to pieces of it and find a way to actually avoid ever owning up to the truth that lay behind the partial story I shared.  

I have a gift.  I told some friends lately it's a blessing and a curse, but my gift is the ability to read people.  My first read of someone is seldom wrong.  It scares me sometimes when I start to see those first impressions I get of a person begin to prove true.  

Lately I have begun to realize how much I have been using this gift to avoid conflict.  See I can get a really good idea of whether my bigger secret is safe to say around you without creating the conflict I fear.  I have used this gift, which has amazing potential as a barrier between myself and hurt, shunning and isolation.  I learned at a young age that to be accepted you say the right things around the right people.  That's just the way life works.

And so I hide the most import piece of myself away from most of the world.

I hide it from friends and family.

I make the "right" people happy by not saying the words out loud.

And in doing so I stifle a piece of myself more and more.

As my excitement grows at the endless potential I see around me, at the direction my life is headed.  I find myself wanting to share my excitement with others.  But I wait and find the "safe" spots.  The places where I am guaranteed that I will not experience that conflict.  Where I run no risk of being shamed or put down because of what I have to say.

So I find mentors and meet with them, while avoiding actually mentioning to very many others why I pursue the relationship.  I take classes and still manage to avoid actually saying the words that describe the job for which I am preparing.  

You see, there is a part of me that fears even God will not be able to repair the damage if I say the words.  But the truth is still there even when I shadow it in vague descriptions.  I think that is the crossroads I find myself at.  It is becoming harder and harder to "hide" my truth.  It is becoming more central to who I am than ever.  

And then there are my two little girls.  I look at them and realize.... I do not want them to be like this version of me.  The person, who hides a key part of who God created them to be out of fear.  

So the truth.... My role as student is temporary.  A sort of training for the longer journey ahead.  My role as Volunteer Director at our church.  More extensive real life experience, a chance to learn from an incredibly gifted pastor, who shares his wins as well as his screw ups and makes me realize that I will be able to live out that calling if I surround myself with the right people to support me and challenge me.

I do know the role of a pastor is not an easy one.  Honestly, it's probably not what I would have picked if God had handed me a huge book and said pick your ideal career.  I would have picked something safe like librarian...  No one can really tell you you should not have that position...  There is no end to the debate of whether women should be in pulpits or not.  I know....  I have heard the arguments most of my life.

But my crossroads has brought me to that moment when I can listen to the arguments for all the reasons I should not pursue this path God is leading me down.  Or I can follow.  It really is as terrible and impossible as Lewis implies...  To hand over one's whole self... all your precautions to Christ.  It feel a little like jumping out of a plane without a parachute waiting for someone else to catch you.  But is that not the life God calls us to lead?  We admire Abraham for packing up and following God to a land that he did not know, but we often opt for safety in our own choices.

So I exhale....

And finally own publicly the reality that my Bachelors of Biblical Studies degree is to prepare for ministry.  

To follow a call from God to lead.

And yes.... 

That would be to lead from a pulpit one day.

Kindred Cravings

Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? I thought I was the only one". 

~C.S. Lewis

Remember kindergarten?  When you had been turned loose for the first time in a room full of other little kids you didn't know.  Your mom and dad nowhere in sight.  

Just you.  

Alone.

And then it happened.  

From across the room another little human much like yourself smiles and waves and suddenly you've found your best friend forever!

Wouldn't it be awesome if all of our relationships happened with the ease that those early childhood friendships tend to develop?  Sadly, as we get older and wiser, we learn to guard ourselves more and it becomes much harder to have those moments where you find those kindred friends.

I don't know about you, but I've gotten really good at being friendly without letting people close.  You see I tried it and I'm still recovering from the pain that came out of letting others see the real me.  It makes me reluctant to reach out again and share myself with others.  I know it's how God wants me to live my life, but the truth....

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of being rejected again.

I'm afraid of feeling once more like the kid that no one wants on their softball team.

But at the same time I crave friendship.

Not just having people I can bestow the title friend on, but kindred's who get me.  Kindred's who are willing to accept me with all of the flaws that I bring into the relationship.  Because I don't need someone to point those out to me.  I know they are there because God and I are working on them every day.

And then somehow in the middle of the pain that remains in what use to be my authenticity, I find one of those people that make me say, "What! You, too?  I thought I was the only one...."   I thought that I was the only one to struggle with following God when what He asks of me doesn't make sense.  I thought I was the only one to feel rejected when people can't comprehend why I make the choices I do.  

And out of that recognition of a kindred comes the courage to send an email, a Facebook message or make a phone call.  Somewhere I find the bravery to reach out to that other figure that reminds me of myself.  Maybe it becomes a kindred relationship.  Maybe it's only purpose is to remind me as God reminded Elijah so many centuries ago, that He has 5,000 others waiting in the wings.  

Whatever it is and whatever it's purpose I suddenly feel the stirrings of a hope that soul deep friendships really do exist.  

That there are people following God's leading to a path similar to mine.  

And I desperately need that hope.  

Because I crave friendship.  

I was made for relationship and not just with God, but with others as well.

And so for tonight at least, the fear is conquered and the hope of a friendship glimmers in the future.

And the thought remains that where there is the hope of one, more surely await....