Relationships

Life has been crazy the last couple of weeks!

Oh, in one sense it is been that way because my husband had to travel for work.

But the other way it has been crazy is that I have interacted with multiple of my neighbors during this period!

Now this is huge because I am an introvert.

Sadly, I often have an intense desire to run into my house after extroverting myself for any period of time.  

This last week though, I decided to push myself to not do that so much.  Instead I began crossing the driveway away from the door to my house that was so enticing and instead I got to know my neighbors a little better.

Guess how much training that took?

None. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Zero.

Photo by Makole Photography

All it took was using the skills we learn as children.

It always stands out to me in Scripture, how much we try to complicate the messages of Jesus.

Matthew 18:3 says:

"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, 

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"

I have often heard this verse spun to emphasize the humility we are suppose to demonstrate as believers.

That sounds good, but if we go back and look at what is going on around this verse we start to see that this verse is more radical than humility!

This verse is set in the middle of a community that is dominated by the Roman Empire.

The Roman Empire was an environment where position was valued.  

Throughout the Gospels, we see examples of tax-collectors, these were Jews who turned on their own for position with the Roman government.  

We see the Sadducees, who cemented their position by social, political and religious means.

Into this society comes Jesus' disciples with the question "Who, then is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" (Matthew 18:1b)

When Jesus calls a child to him to answer this question it is a radically different message than society has presented.  All around them his disciples are seeing a struggle for power.  Into that struggle for greatness comes Jesus, who points them to a child.

I have a soon to be 3 year old and a 1 year old.  

At our house we are constantly living in the world of a child.  

Do you know how uncomplicated that world is?
Somehow as we become adults things change.

There are now complex steps and formulas for making friends.

Social class does not effect them.

I took my 1 year old to the grocery store yesterday and everyone was a friend to wave at no matter what they looked like, how old they were or what position they held in society.

Somehow over time we seem to have complicated the idea of relationship.  

We have books and formulas telling us how to use this skills we developed as a child that we have lost as adults.

We have complex formulas for how to make disciples.

We rate people on scales creating a hierarchy to determine how we "should" relate to them.

We approach relationships in a detached formal manner, completely forgetting that these words for the disciples are for us also...

"Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, 

you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"

What happens if we forget the formulas and charts?

What happens if we discard the hierarchy?

What happens if we just start waving to people in the grocery story like a 1 year old?

What happens if we follow the example of a 3 year old and ask everyone we meet there name?

Ok, so maybe that might be a little creepy for adults, but what if we start by being aware?

What if we start by setting the goal to find one person wherever we go to say hi and learn their name?

Will we do it perfectly?  Probably not, but if we get it just some of the time we give our forgotten relational muscles a work-out.

One small way to start is to walk away from your door the next time you get home and walk toward the neighbor, who just got home also.

Intentional Living

We are nearly a week into February and I am six weeks into my Intentional Year.

This year is especially exciting for me as my husband joined me in my word this year.  In previous years it has often felt like my word for the year trickled into our family over the course of the year, but this year is different. 

 We are doing this as a team!  

Now one thing you should know is my husband is my biggest cheerleader and my strongest support so when I choose a word for the year he supports it.  This year is so exciting though since he brings a whole different perspective to Intentional.

Not even 6 weeks into 2017, we have found some interesting ways to bring the concept of Intentional into our family life.

Some of those are....

• Bullet Journals
• Personal Retreat
• Date Nights/Days
• Budget 
• Finance Class
• Family Vacation

-Bullet Journals

I have always had good intentions in regards to using a planner.  Unfortunately, something always made those intentions fall through.  This year I had an amazing planner that I purchased last year.  I sooo wanted to start using it.  The down side was when I tried it caused my anxiety to flare up.  I would look at the ideal day I had mapped out and feel a sense of failure when the day didn't work out quite as planned.

Enter the Bullet Journal...

A Facebook group I am in introduced me to this idea.  The idea that I could combine all of the random notes I make with a schedule and a to-do list, was intriguing to me.  So I began to research...

While there are a variety of planners available, the thing I love about the bullet journal is that it can be whatever you need it to be.  Mine has the plans for birthday parties, to do lists, a habit tracker, my future log for the next 6 months and my daily log for the things I need or want to do each day, books I want to read and movies I want to see this year.  

For the initial introduction check out 

Bullet Journal - The Analog System for the Digital Age

There are other great ideas for finding the perfect set up for you on Pinterest and YouTube.

Using Bullet Journals is proving to be life changing for Dustin and I.  It has helped us move from a place of feeling like we are struggling to manage each day to being able to look at and prioritize what we need and want to get done on any given day.

-Personal Retreat

This one was hard for me at first.  It felt selfish to leave Dustin and the girls for a couple of days to go away by myself.  Dustin insisted it was something I needed though.  Since our daughter Eden was born 8 months ago I really have not stopped going.

So I made reservations and went away for 3 days and 2 nights to a retreat center near the church we attend.  When I walked through the door of my room there, I nearly cried.  It was like this massive weight of responsibility rolled off my shoulders.  For 3 days I had nothing to worry about except me. Someone else was cooking, cleaning and there were no diapers to change, bottles to fix or "hangry" screams from a 2 1/2 year old.  

In that time I was able to reconnect to God in a way that the craziness of life had prohibited in the previous days, weeks and months.  In those days I realized how right Dustin had been.  I needed to get away and talk to God so that I could come back and be a better mom and wife. 

If you have not tried a personal retreat yourself, you really should!  I came back from mine totally convinced I wanted to send Dustin in the next few months.  The busyness of life can make us lose connection with our God, who wants to have a deep and intimate relationship with us.  We think we are reading our required Bible verses, praying and assembling with other believers, but that is only part of connecting to God.  I found I had let the white noise of the world around me become just a little overwhelming and none of those things had the impact they have had since I came back.

Look for a local retreat center...  Some older Catholic schools have been converted for this purpose.  Two that I have been to and would recommend are:

Benedict Inn and Retreat Center

The Sisters of St Benedict - Ferdinand, Indiana

Really though, any place that gives you time with God will make a huge difference!  

-Date Nights/Days

One of the awesome things we started last year that ended up being some great prep work for htis particular topic, is a kid exchange.

We started trading kids once a month for a date night with another couple.  It's great for both of us since my oldest daughter adores the whole family and my youngest seems to have bonded with the husband of the couple! LOL

This actually does two things...

It gives the adults in the arrangement couple's time.

It lets the kids play and wear off some of that excess energy.

But it also puts some really awesome role models in my daughters lives outside of family.  

In addition to these date nights, we have grandmothers, cousins, aunts and uncles that love to spend time with our girls so we have begun to make date nights a regular investment for our marriage.

It can be easy to decide it's not worth the hassle to wrangle the kids or find a babysitter, but marriage deserves intentional investment.  You are not just investing in your spouse...  you are setting an example for your children on how to value their future husband or wife.

-Budget

From the moment we started planning our wedding and even before that Dustin and I have utilized a budget.  So the idea that we need a budget is not a question as much as how does a budget work best for us?

We love the Dave Ramsey principles and often reference them when we are making future plans.  One thing we realized early this year though is that we want to be more intentional with our money.  We want the way we spend our money to reflect our values.  

This one is still in the working stages to figure out how best to refine our budget and spending habits to fit our family, our values and not the least honor God with our resources.

Which leads to my next goal....

-Finance Class

Never believe that God does not think of what we need before we ask...

Our church, The Southeast Project, is currently doing a series on money/giving.

The thing I love about our pastor is he doesn't just give you the information, on a topic like money he typically manages to pair it with resources or opportunities to learn how to implement the things he is discussing in a practical, real world way.

This month that happens to be partnering with a church member, who is a financial coach and is willing to do Finance Classes.

Honestly, we had been waffling over whether we "had the time" to do them.  Then yesterday morning during service, God slapped us upside the head and yep... the beauty of technology... I signed up during service the moment God showed us we could not miss out on this opportunity. 

 (Side note: Technology can be what you make it, a distraction or a tool.  In this case it provided the opportunity for me to follow God's prompting in the moment without putting it off)

The last thing I mentioned is...

-Family Vacation

Travel and time spent as a family having fun is something we value in our family.  Because of that we decide that we need to start planning now for our family vacation to Hilton Head!  We had the opportunity for a cost effective vacation to a fun new location neither of us have visited.  We are soooo excited so we have decided to plan intentionally for that so we can enjoy ourselves without worrying.

Being Intentional about Fun is Important!!

Being Intentional we are discovering does not mean joyless responsible behavior.  It means planning so you can enjoy the fun times and knowing when buckling down and sacrificing is needed.  

Intentional Choices Lead to a Balanced Life!

What Jurassic World Taught Me About Relationships

Today, I find myself reflecting on the recently released Jurassic World, the 4th installment in the hugely successful Jurassic Park franchise.  As a teenager growing up in the 90's I wasn't allowed to go to movies so when the original Jurassic Park was released I had no idea why everyone was so worked up over the first 3 movies.  Then in my late 20's as part of catching up with the highlights of modern culture over 2 decades I was directed to the original Jurassic Park film.  Instantly I understood why they were so successful.  I'm not sure I'll ever forget the feeling when I saw the first of the dinosaurs pan on to the screen as the music swelled with the classic music of John Williams.  From that moment on I was hooked.  I love these movies with their si-fi, horror, action-adventure twist.  I love the characters they gave us and even more, I love that they made dinosaurs believable in all shapes and sizes.  

After discovering that there were plans to release a 4th installment 20 years after the original I was ecstatic!  In the two days leading up to our date night which was when we planned to go see it, I was like a little kid.  I could hardly contain myself!  While I wasn't going to be able to recapture a moment that wasn't possible 20 years earlier at Jurassic Park's original release I did have the opportunity to create a new memory with Jurassic World.  So into the theater I went with my husband, as excited as a 13 year old must have been to see the first dinosaurs 20 years before, but with me I took the experience of a 35 year old which meant this movie ended up leaving me contemplating the lessons that can be learned from this particular film if we allow ourselves to get over the parts we might or might not agree with scientifically.

My favorite dinosaurs since the first movie have been the Velociraptors.  I'm starting to think maybe it's because they remind me of people that we don't exactly understand.  In all three movies they are portrayed as highly intelligent, but there is a communication barrier and the fact that the world and mind of a velociraptor is so far removed from the modern reality that all of the humans have been a part of for decades.means that they are to be feared and avoided at all costs.  Lets face it the first 3 movies get a LOT of screen time out of people running from or fighting against the raptors.  

The approach of this movie where the lead character, Owen, is actually working with the raptors to turn the very traits that make others fear them into a positive thing was a plot point I found interesting.  There's a line where he is describing what exactly it is that he shares with the raptors that I found extremely thought provoking.  

Owen

It's not about control.  It's a relationship based on respect.

Not control, but respect.  I won't completely break down how this impacted me since I don't want to spoil the film if you haven't already seen it, but it has left me thinking how that statement should apply to my own life.  

I'm starting to realize that I need to live more like Owen's character.  He joins the raptors where they are, accepting everything they bring with them into the relationship which interestingly enough includes the ability to kill him at any given moment.  Rather than protect himself from them constantly he becomes one of them. even referring to himself as the Alpha, or pack leader.   There's something about that relationship that made me ask how does that need to look in my own life?  If God has called me as a Christian to "make disciples of all nations".  Then I think it has to look something like that relationship between Owen and the Velociraptors.  A relationship that others can return to even when they might have forgotten what the relationship was really suppose to be.  I'm becoming strongly convicted that it doesn't look the way I've always been told church and Christianity are suppose to look.  It looks much more messy like the moment that the raptors lose sight of Owen as one of them.  It means taking the risk of being hurt and forgotten.

It feels like so often we put our toes in the water of doing church and life differently only to pull them back when we get a cold reception, but the example we as Christians were sent was rejected by his own family, country and ultimately even some of his followers turned from him.  We, however, jump from project to project never fully committing to anything enough to completely see it through because when it starts to get hard we give up forgetting that building muscle which grows us requires extreme pain at times.  

I suppose in one way, Jurassic World in the middle of its fantasy and science-fiction as given me a very real and emotional picture of relationships.  The pain, but also the good that can come out of them.  Always in the picture though I see respect.  Respect toward those who might be different from me and my life experiences.  Respect toward those I don't agree with, but even more those who don't agree with me.  It's choosing to live respectfully my daily life with people who have the ability to hurt me at any given moment realizing that the relationship is dependent on that one component.  I have to be honest though, it gets a little hard to know what that respect looks like when really crazy things happen.  I don't have the answers to all of that.  What I do know though is that it won't happen until I can learn to run with the raptors....

Kindred Cravings

Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? I thought I was the only one". 

~C.S. Lewis

Remember kindergarten?  When you had been turned loose for the first time in a room full of other little kids you didn't know.  Your mom and dad nowhere in sight.  

Just you.  

Alone.

And then it happened.  

From across the room another little human much like yourself smiles and waves and suddenly you've found your best friend forever!

Wouldn't it be awesome if all of our relationships happened with the ease that those early childhood friendships tend to develop?  Sadly, as we get older and wiser, we learn to guard ourselves more and it becomes much harder to have those moments where you find those kindred friends.

I don't know about you, but I've gotten really good at being friendly without letting people close.  You see I tried it and I'm still recovering from the pain that came out of letting others see the real me.  It makes me reluctant to reach out again and share myself with others.  I know it's how God wants me to live my life, but the truth....

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of being rejected again.

I'm afraid of feeling once more like the kid that no one wants on their softball team.

But at the same time I crave friendship.

Not just having people I can bestow the title friend on, but kindred's who get me.  Kindred's who are willing to accept me with all of the flaws that I bring into the relationship.  Because I don't need someone to point those out to me.  I know they are there because God and I are working on them every day.

And then somehow in the middle of the pain that remains in what use to be my authenticity, I find one of those people that make me say, "What! You, too?  I thought I was the only one...."   I thought that I was the only one to struggle with following God when what He asks of me doesn't make sense.  I thought I was the only one to feel rejected when people can't comprehend why I make the choices I do.  

And out of that recognition of a kindred comes the courage to send an email, a Facebook message or make a phone call.  Somewhere I find the bravery to reach out to that other figure that reminds me of myself.  Maybe it becomes a kindred relationship.  Maybe it's only purpose is to remind me as God reminded Elijah so many centuries ago, that He has 5,000 others waiting in the wings.  

Whatever it is and whatever it's purpose I suddenly feel the stirrings of a hope that soul deep friendships really do exist.  

That there are people following God's leading to a path similar to mine.  

And I desperately need that hope.  

Because I crave friendship.  

I was made for relationship and not just with God, but with others as well.

And so for tonight at least, the fear is conquered and the hope of a friendship glimmers in the future.

And the thought remains that where there is the hope of one, more surely await....

Accepting Brokenness

My journey to find rest is now a journey toward wholeness.  A putting back together that includes broken pieces.

The journey of rest is leading me to recover all of my soul.  This peace makes no detours around reality.

~Finding Spiritual Whitespace

A couple of years ago I was presented with the idea of genuineness, authentic relationships and being accepted even in my brokenness.  It sounded wonderful.  I loved the idea of being accepted for who I was without being judged.  I loved the idea so much I even started to incorporate it into my vocabulary.

I really bought into the idea that this was the way to do church, ministry and relationships.  We needed to be willing to accept one another in our brokenness and to just be real.  Open and honest.  That was my new motto.

And then something happened.  I came face to face with my own brokenness.  In sharing that brokenness, my ideals of genuineness was challenged to say the least over an extended period of time and eventually the attempts to remain open and authentic became a little too much to handle so I retreated to the protection of my shell much like a little turtle.  And there I began to find the answers I was looking for so desperately.

One of the most important parts to having my brokenness accepted is learning to accept it myself.  So often as humans it can be easier to give verbal assent to something while not truly accepting it as reality.  When I'm busy filling my life as full as I can and I stay busy doing more and more I'm in reality hiding my brokenness behind the work I'm doing.  

The visual that comes to mind is that if you fill a pitcher with numerous cracks as full as you can get it with water and then proceed to dump it upside down releasing all of the water at once you never truly realize the magnitude of the broken nature of the pitcher.  On the other hand if you fill the pitcher full and allow it to rest on a table.  Still, not moving.  That is how you will discover the broken nature of the pitcher.  Over time with rest the pitcher will let water seep out of the broken areas that no longer have the capacity to hold it back.

That is how I discovered my true brokenness.  When God brought me to a place where rest was all I could do.  When I had to stop turning the pitcher that was myself upside down and emptying myself all at once then God could introduce me to the parts of me that needed healing and wholeness.  

Actually, I'm still there.  I'm still in the middle of journeying through my brokenness with God.  It's a journey that explores all of my soul.  Not just the places I'm comfortable with exploring.  Sometimes I don't like it so much.  It very often feels like physical therapy of my soul that stretches soul muscles I didn't know I had.  And I usually hurt a lot afterwards!  But I'm also learning that accepting brokenness doesn't mean just accepting the brokenness of others.  It means accepting my own brokenness and letting God journey with me through it to (as Bonnie Gray so eloquently puts it in Finding Spiritual Whitespace) recover my soul.  

I'm discovering that this part of the journey is much more difficult than merely accepting someone else in their broken place.  It means that I have to be real with myself in a way that so often I'd rather breeze past.  It means letting God into places that I've wanted to ignore myself, but am finding that in my quest for authenticity God is requiring deep soul searching so that He can step into my brokenness with healing and truth about how He sees me.

Perception

Perception is a funny thing.  It's something that is formed in every one of us differently.  Our perception is formed by our life experiences, the wounds we've suffered, the joys we've felt and the grieving that has occurred in our lives.  

It's also seems to be one of the hardest things for us to accept about one another.   We so often want our experiences and life views to be the lens through which others see the world, but that is very seldom the case.  You see we weren't created in a factory.  We weren't all poured into a mold that sent us all out into the world exactly the same.  

We had different childhoods and different relationships that informed how we see the world.  They not only inform how we see the world, they impact how we experience it.  Actions that mean one thing to one person take on a totally different meaning for the person who has been wounded by similar actions.   Those relationships, actions and wounds mean that what can seem completely innocent to everyone else in the room can be the very thing that cuts the soul of one lonely individual.  

A little overwhelming though isn't it?  To think that at any given time, in any given place you could say the one thing that cuts to the heart of a person without even thinking about it or realizing it.  Because of perception a relationship could be forever altered by our words or actions....

Wow, that can be kind of a big thing if you think about it.  It can almost make one afraid to let any words come out at all....  

Now, step back a moment and really think about it.  

Our perception is formed by our life experiences, the wounds we've suffered, the joys we've felt and the grieving that has occurred in our lives.  

Perception is informed by our life experiences not just the wounds we suffer.  It is influenced by the joys we feel and not just our grieving.  If it takes all of these things to create perception in each of us, isn't it possible that we can change one another's perception?

Most definitely, the strongest example of changing perception that I can think of comes from Jesus when He speaks to the Samaritan Woman at the Well.  He changes her perception of what it is to thirst, He changes her perception of Him as a Jew and last, but definitely not least He changes her perception of herself.  He takes a woman who comes to the well to draw water during the hottest part of the day so she can avoid the ridicule and shame that being around others guaranteed and He had her running into the town square to tell those same people she had been avoiding about living water that didn't come from the well and not only that He had her owning her faults to every last one of them!  

I think the key to changing one another's perception starts with asking the simple question of why does the other person's perception need to change?  Are we just trying to get them to see things from our point of view?  Or do we genuinely see their need to have their perception changed so they see themselves as valued by God?  As being part of a community?  

For Jesus changing the perception of this Samaritan woman wasn't about making sure she saw what she was and what she had done.  It wasn't even about showing her who He was even though He did that.  It was about making God accessible to her.  Giving her the opportunity at relationship with Him.  In changing her perception He changed her world for the better!  

So again....  Perception is a funny thing.  It's something that is formed in every one of us differently.  Our perception is formed by our life experiences, the wounds we've suffered, the joys we've felt and the grieving that has occurred in our lives.  How will you change someone's perception this week?

Peace vs Chaos

Chaos....  It's the week of Christmas.  In fact it's the Eve of Christmas Eve, all around us there is rushing to get those perfect last minute gifts.  To cover everyone on the list that we might have forgotten...  The mailman, the paperboy, did we get the distant relatives their fruitcake.  We take a season that inundates us with songs about peace on earth and we join in the chaos that is anything, but peace.

Peace....  It's such a calming word.  Just saying it makes one start to relax...  Until you remember that you still need to wrap all of those presents and get them under the tree.  Oh, and does overnight mail really make it overnight or should you drive the 3 hours and just deliver the package yourself?  Although you really don't have that time since you need to wrap still more presents and then get ready for one family gathering on Christmas Eve and yet another Christmas morning.  And then there's the Christmas Eve service at church or should you try to squeeze in some time volunteering for the dinner the church has agreed to host at the nearest shelter.  Which will appease God the most during this crazy time of year?  Which one fills the requirement of "goodwill to men" the best?  The decisions pile up and scream to be addressed and still Christmas creeps closer and closer while you just don't have enough minutes in the days left until the big event!

We stuff our lives so full of activity at this time of year.  We do it all in the name of good, but is it really?  I've been giving it some thought this year as our family has decided to not get caught up in the chaos that surrounds Christmas.  

I sometimes think as Christians we've become caught up in the commercialism that surrounds the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Christ.  We get caught up in the chaos that is the world around us.  Do we ever stop to think about the events that surround that insignificant night in Bethlehem centuries ago?  

I say insignificant because that's really what it was.  When you think of the media coverage that surrounds the birth of the latest British royal and compare it to the fact that the first to acknowledge the birth of this baby that was likely just one of several born in Bethlehem were mere sheep herders that night really isn't significant from a world view.  In fact the chances are that night the occupation by the Roman government and military was of much greater significance than the young couple from out of town who had their first child.  So in a time filled with the chaos, confusion and unrest that comes when one country is occupied by another there comes a baby boy.  A baby boy who's birth announcement is delivered to rough shepherds in a field by angels.  I love the way the NIV translates Luke 2:14 

"Glory to God in the highest heaven and on earth peace to those on whom His favor rests."

Peace.... There's that word again.  Peace, what does it mean?  I think often we believe that it means an end to war both physical and spiritual wars.  But that child was born into a nation occupied by another government.  And 30 plus years later when he was put to death that same foreign power still controlled his homeland.  Kind of challenges the idea of peace.

So what if peace means something totally different than what we think of this time of year?  What if peace means that the purpose of his birth was to bring peace in us as a counter to the chaos that surrounds us?  What if the "peace to those on whom His favor rests" is intended to be a gift that we are given?  What if it's God giving us the opportunity to throw off the chains of chaos and duty and to purposefully invest in moments of quiet?  What if it's not just moments what if it's the opportunity to live our entire lives with a tranquility and quiet inside us that defies the chaotic, busy world around us? 

Sounds great and unrealistic, right?  But does it have to be?   That same baby boy who's birth was announced with the phrase "peace to those on whom His favor rests" went on to share with his followers that:

"Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of God"

Is it possible that by choosing to live in the chaos that surrounds not just Christmas, but is the accepted not just in the world around us, but in the work we claim to do for the Christ who promoted peace we miss out on unimaginable blessings?  Have we turned relationships into tasks to be accomplished rather than a whitespace moment to spend with a friend that will add beauty and meaning to our lives?  Have we begun to thrive on the white noise that surrounds us and no longer recognize that God speaks in stillness?  If in his favor God extends peace then are we choosing to decline His favor by opting to live in the chaos and call it God's work?  Is it possible that we are settling for less than God's best for us in neglecting one of the key reasons he sent us his Son?

So on the Eve before Christmas Eve, I'd like to invite you to opt out of the chaos.  Stop and find a moment to explore what peace means to God.  We're surrounded with songs that remind us about holy nights, moments of peace, simplicity and we have a choice.  We can become a counterbalance to the new kind of chaos that exists in our world today or we can join it and never fully grasp what peace on earth truly means.

Masks

Have you ever noticed how much people like to wear masks?  We never want to really let others see us for who we really are, so often even when we profess to want genuine and authentic relationships we bring our faithful masks along.  Of course we make sure they are the really cool ones.  The ones that are nearly indistinguishable from us because they contain key pieces of our emotional and spiritual DNA.  They are thin enough that most of the time we convince even ourselves that they are really us, but like any really good mask they hide who we are from everyone around us and sometimes they are even so successful they hide us from ourselves.  For however long we wear them we can convince ourselves that we really aren't as lonely, sad, depressed or isolated as we truly have become.

Masks become a way of life with most of us.  They are what we hide behind when people hurt us or disappoint us.  In fact the more people disappoint us and fail to respond to any gestures of genuine relationship we perfect our mask just a little bit more.  Protecting ourselves from hurt and rejection we secretly vow inside to never let anyone that close again.  

Tonight, I'm finding myself conflicted.  One part of me wants to continue to hide behind the mask, while the other part values the honest, but rather ugly truth.  The honest truth is 2014 hasn't been a very fun year for me.  I've felt rejected and abandoned on several fronts.  It feels like I've lived most of this year much more dependent on a long-suffering (and very awesome) husband than I would have liked with very few friends.  I think circumstances made it even worse since I started feeling the need to live behind masks again.  Never able to be myself with those around me.  Being me wasn't ok anymore.  I'd been genuine and open and the hurt that came along afterward wasn't worth it.  I wasn't ok, but it felt like everyone around me was wanting me to be ok.  They wanted a Tonya that wasn't hurt and crushed, but that's where I was so I pulled out my mask.

One of the bright spots in 2014 for me has been the introduction of a new counselor into my life.  God blessed me so much when he sent D into my life!  With her help and experience I'm learning that it's ok to not be ok with the way things are in my life right now.  I'm also learning to value the very small group of people that it's ok to just be Tonya with.  The small group of people that I can just take off the mask of politeness and say I'm not ok today.  The people who can talk me down when a panic attack starts.  

I'm finding that I'm happiest when I can stop the masquerade that is life outside of this support system because the truth is that I'm not made to live my life behind a mask.  God made me to reflect His glory and that glory has the ability to shine the brightest in my darkest moments.  In my darkest moments I've discovered that I can't hide behind the mask of false happiness anymore.  I've lost that mask somewhere in the last few months.  So I walk out of moments that make me double over in sorrow and loss and I go find a corner in which to mourn the loss of that piece of my life.  I've stopped trying to hold it together as much.  I've also noticed though that when you lose the mask it makes people uncomfortable.  They want to fix something that isn't in their ability to "fix".  My reality is I'm in a season of great loss and grieving, I'll make it through.  God promises in Psalms 23 that even when I walk through the death of a dream He's with me.  He doesn't make me go there alone.  Yes, He's with me, but he's also surrounded me with my tiny fellowship of friends who's strengths support my weaknesses.

So my truth and reality is I'm not ok right now, but I'm ok with that.  Every time that God adds another member to my fellowship of friends, He adds another piece to the puzzle that allows me to lose another mask.  And the adventure in that is my friends come from the most unlikely places!! 

White Noise

As I enter the last month of 2014 I find myself looking back over it with mixed feelings.  It's been such a roller coaster year.  I find myself marveling that the very things that filled me with hope and excitement at the start of 2013 have now become a source of immense pain, sorrow and isolation.  How does so much change from one year to the next?

2014 has become a year that while I would never change the birth of our beautiful little Myka, for the most part I struggle often with just wanting to forget the pain that is the last year.  I've had a lot of "why, God" questions this year.  Why when I've always experienced almost sickeningly good health do I have to be taken out at the knees by pregnancy?  Why does it have to impact all of my relationships in a way that leaves me feeling alone and isolated?  Why does that extreme isolation have to last another 2 months after our Princess Baby arrived?  Why do I have to continue to feel that extreme sense of aloneness even after that 2 months is up?  I'm full of why questions.

The reality is I'd love to snap my fingers and get over it.  To get on with my life the way I lived it before everything started to change, but the truth that I'm discovering is that while the answers to all of my "Why" questions aren't always apparent every so often God gives me a little glimpse at the reason.

You see, God has spent 2014 teaching me some important lessons, just like Moses had to flee to the desert to hear God, Elijah had to be separated from the noise of those around him and even Jesus, himself spent 40 days in the wilderness, I had to become separated from the busywork I was surrounded by that masked itself in relationships and church work to actually have the opportunity to hear what God was trying to tell me.

James reminds us that we are to "count it pure joy" whenever we meet with difficulties, but I think that myself like most people would like to kind of gloss over that part of Scripture.  It's much easier to read about the cancer survivor or the motivational speaker faced with the challenge of living life without arms and legs then it is to ask how that verse applies to me personally.  See, I know I'm probably not going to like the answer.

For me the answer has meant that God has had to remind me that I can't hear him when I won't slow down to listen.  When I'm caught up in the activity even of "good work", there is lots of white noise.  White noise while it's never very loud none the less drowns out beauty of silence.  This morning as I write this I'm sitting in a quiet living room before anyone else is up.  It's amazing what you hear when you stop to listen to what is going on around you.  I hear the little noises that my baby girl makes in her sleep.  I hear life starting to happen on the street outside my house as people start their morning routines or commute.  I hear the ticking of the clock that I often forget about.  I hear the creaking and settling of the house we call home.  And lets not forget the breathing of the dogs lying next to me.  In my daily life, I had become so busy running from one thing to the next that I never stopped to pay attention to the seemingly meaningless details.  The things that make up the fabric of our lives are the little things we often ignore.

I think that's what God has been using 2014 to show me.  The importance of taking those moments and just listening and being.  Whether it's with him or with the people I happen to be with, I realize that by having things taken away I value them more.  I realize that it's ok for me to give myself permission to spend an hour with someone and not look at my phone.  If I'm staring at a screen for a large portion of my time with someone, I'm creating white noise that keeps me from truly seeing what they need from me.  They don't need me distracted, they need me present.  The time that I spend with someone and how I spend it impacts how they will be a part of my life tomorrow, next week and even next month.  If I make them feel that I'm distracted and they are taking me away from more important things chances are that next time I try to spend time with them they might not be available.

I think as I try to re-acclimate to life after extreme isolation I realize the little things now.  I realize how I feel when someone I'm with is trying to carry on a conversation with another person via text while spending time with me.  I struggled for a while with how it made me feel, but now I'm seeing it as the gift it is.  Extreme isolation brings with it a higher sensitivity to how a disconnected person experiences the things that I might have never thought twice about doing before experiencing it myself.

At first I just thought of myself as broken.  Health that made it impossible for me to live a "normal" life.  Isolation when my health kept me from doing all the things I had once juggled successfully.  Now I'm starting to see it as a blessing.  God has given me the opportunity to clear my head of the white noise that we so often live our whole lives in and has allowed me to find value in whitespace and saying no to busyness while saying yes to life with purpose and being truly present in small doses rather than living in the lie that you can juggle dozens of "close" relationships successfully.  Never taking care of or truly taking time for myself to recharge and reconnect with God.  Don't get me wrong.  As my counselor reminds me, I'm coming out of this part of my life with a new identity.  One that I often don't understand completely yet and I do still have moments of mourning the "normal" life that I had at one time.  It seems like it would be much easier to go back to living in the white noise, but once you've seen the value of life stripped down there's no going back.

The Danger of Extremes

It's come to my attention recently how much we tend to live life by extremes.  We are either on top of the world or at the bottom of the trash heap.  We either want fast food ready almost before we order or we want a long leisurely multi-course dinner served to us over an extended period of time.  But the extremes don't stop there.  They infect our language and the way we live our lives.  We become so accustom to the extremes that when we are in between them (which let's face it, unless we are creating our own drama to exude a false sense of the extreme we spend most of our lives in the in between) we feel less than enough.  We feel bland, unexciting, not worth anyone's attention.

As someone who grew up in church the extremes were defined as the mountain top experience and the valleys of life.  The mountain top experiences were the "Praise God!" "Hallelujah!" moments while the valley times were the moments you were somberly asking everyone for prayer and if it were extremely personal it was the infamous silent prayer request.  The in between times didn't really rate acknowledgement.  Nothing exciting was happening, but then again neither was anything bad.  So you just coasted along content to maintain the status quo.

So, you might ask, what is the problem with those extremes?  Don't we need the rejoicing of the mountain top experiences and the reality checks of the valley moments?  Isn't there a time for fast food and a time for the five course meal?

Of course, in Ecclesiastes we're given a very lengthy reminder that there is a time for everything.  The top of the world moments should be celebrated and the moments of deep struggle need to be acknowledged, but the danger comes when we feel the constant need to live in one or the other.

One of my favorite places to vacation is in the Smokey Mountains.  I remember several years ago a friend and I spent the July 4th weekend in Gatlinburg and took the time to drive to the tallest peak of the Smokey Mountains National Park.  It was a lengthy drive to get to the top of the mountain and once we got there it was a short drive to crest the peak of the tallest point and begin the descent toward the valley.

I suppose that what stands out to me about that is the fact that life mimics the mountain range.  While we have those moments of ecstasy and the conflicting moments of deep despair, neither is where we spend the bulk of our time.  Most of the time is spent making our way to one or the other of those extremes and in the overall snapshot of our life we don't spend great amounts of time (even if the valley moments seem to last forever some days) in either extreme.

So what happens if we start to change our thought process from needing to be in one extreme or the other to being ok with where we are at that moment in time?  What if we learn to celebrate the mountain top moments, properly acknowledge the valley experiences, but also to value the in between times when we are headed to or from one of the extremes?  It creates an interesting experience as we learn to be present and experience each moment of the life we're given.  Personally, I think it means we begin to experience the extremes in a much healthier way because rather than living from one of them to the next we are experiencing the journey that it takes to get from one to the other.  When we choose to only experience life by extremes it's like reading the Cliff Notes version of a classic book.  Oh, you get the general idea of the storyline, but you miss the heart of the characters the author created.  You miss the tension that builds from scene to scene so the climactic end to the story doesn't hold the same excitement as if you had experienced the entire story as the author intended.

So what's the danger in living our lives in extremes?  If we are bouncing from extreme to extreme we are missing the opportunity to experience our own lives as they are taking place the way the Author of our lives intended them to be experienced.  Those in between moments are there to provide us with the chance to get to know the other characters that God has introduced into our story in a unique way and for a purpose.  And as with any well-written story, if we fail to take advantage of the opportunity to engage and develop relationships with key characters as they are introduced we miss vital elements that are essential to the intended development of our own story.

Relationships & Lord of the Rings

My life as of late seems haunted by the topic of relationships, so I've come to the conclusion God's trying to make a point.  From random conversations at Starbucks to Bible study topics it's this repeating theme in my life right now.  Along with that I seem to have developed an obsession with Lord of the Rings right now.  I find myself sticking the DVD in for background noise while working around the house and inevitably find myself picking up a section that stands out to me.  Strangely enough for some reason the character of Gollum stands out to me right now.  He's a character I can't get away from.  I think in some way it's because much like Frodo, I relate to him.  I see a piece of myself in his struggles.  I think on previous viewings I saw him as a villain.  The last few times around I've started seeing him as myself.

There's a Gollum in all of us.  He's really just our everyday inner struggles brought to the outside in their purest, most socially unacceptable form.  I think the scene in The Two Towers in which Frodo is trying to understand Gollum as an individual really struck me this time.  "You were not so very different from a Hobbit once, were you?" is the part that especially stood out to me.  In that one statement Frodo connects with this social outcast, not only that he gives him his name and identity back.  A name and identity that had been lost by the choices he had made.  Frodo makes a connection to that part of this creature that everyone else had given up on.  Frodo gives him a chance to be redeemed by seeing him as more than he appeared.  Of course in the end Gollum chooses a path that leads to his destruction, but even that has significance to me.  Because of a little Hobbit, who was willing to see past the surface to the person that once was underneath he was given a chance.

This made me think what would happen if my struggles took a toll that was as apparent as Gollum's?  Would a Frodo come along and give me a chance to regain who and what I once was?  Would someone show me how I could be redeemed?  Which leads me to the question of what do I do?  Do I see past the Gollum in others to the Smeagol that lies beneath?  Do I focus on our differences or do I see our similarities and use those to build a relationship? 

I believe that God sends people into our lives for a purpose.  If we focus on those similarities our relationships become stronger by the support we share from our varied experience in life.  If we focus on the differences they will inevitably divide us and we become like Gollum living our lives in a distant cave cut off from those who can help with our struggles.  By focusing on those similarities we can find ourselves with a companion like Sam, who when the struggle became so great for Frodo said, "I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you!"   

Facing the Past

Recent conversations with a couple of friends combined with things I've found myself struggling with recently have made me think a lot about how our past affects us.  It's funny, but it seems like every time I start to think I've made progress in an area something happens that makes me think maybe not as much as I thought...  Maybe it's just God keeping me humble, but after managing for a few months with no issues from one I think maybe I had started to think I had it under control, which obviously meant God had to show me I'll never have it under control.  

I realize it's a lesson that will probably still have to be repeated occasionally, but I discovered something this time around that I hope I remember a little more quickly in the future.  To deal with wounds from the past the only way to heal is to continually give them over to a loving God.  Of course much like Frodo discovered after being stabbed by the Nazgul some wounds while they heal always leave reminders.  They bring with them certain reactions that are instictive because of the original pain they delivered.  We pull away from the pain that we expect. 

Of course even though we pull away almost instinctively we still have the final choice.  We can continue to pull away and react defensively or we can face our fears and insecurities and allow God to use others to help us deal with them.  I suppose that one thing that stood out to me as I personally faced some things and it was that maybe as a way of getting me ready for the next growing phase God had sent just the right people into my life to give me the reality checks I needed at the time I needed them.  People who weren't afraid to say slow down, hurry up, kick it in gear or even just wait. 

I think it brought me back in a full circle to something the last several months have been reinforcing.  Success in life really is about the relationships we make.  Not success in the "I made the Fortune 500 list" way, but success in that I accomplished things I never would or could have on my own and I did it because of the people who held me up when I was discouraged, encouraged me when I didn't see what God was doing and held out for the bigger picture they could see from their vantage point. 

God's Timing

It's a funny thing how sometimes when you are going through some of the moments that change and define you the most you somehow don't realize how important they are until you look back in hindsight.  I think that's one of the interesting thing about God's timing.  It's subtle.  I think that's something that I've realized over the last five months especially as some of the lessons and experiences I've had over the last five years have come together and started to make sense.  It's had me re-evaluating my life, the people God has sent into it and the impact they have made especially over the last four years. 

In meeting up with friends I hadn't seen in a few months I realized something about God's timing.  Sometimes it's not just about when new events, people or circumstances are introduced into our lives.  Sometimes it's about the fact he asks you to surrender something you hold dear so that he can return it for an even greater impact in your life. 

I think one of the greatest challenges I've faced came earlier this year, in the belief that God was asking me to give up something I held very dear with no guarantees for the future.  It made no sense to me that at a time in my life when things seemed to be going good I was being asked to give up what I loved and was familiar with, something that I could look at and see had been a positive thing in my life.  At that time as the events of two years began to come together into the events of a mere four weeks, the recurrent answer that came from a friend to my repeated question of why ended up being "It's all in God's timing."

It's an answer that seems to have repeated itself often over the following months and tonight I realized that not just the new things that come into our lives, but the renewing of old relationships as we are ready to deal with them or react to them in a different way are in God's timing as well.  If we try to recapture initial moments of relationships as we know them, we lose the chance to see what can develop in God's timing.  While we see our slice of time and how it impacts us if we refuse to allow God to work in his time we miss the opportunity to experience what he has in store for that relationship.  Sometimes it means allowing time for it to grow and sometimes it means letting go.  Ultimately it comes down to realizing that God truly does have a perfect time for everything and if we let him work things out in his time it turns out infinitely better than our timing.

Reading and Relationships

I recently realized something about myself that I somehow managed to miss before.  My obsession with books has always managed to be a source of entertainment for my friends and family in some way shape or form.  Whether it was the fact that my books held my bed up better than the frame at one point or that I had more books in my closet than clothes, there was always something to find entertaining about my obsession with the written word.  It really didn't matter what it was I would read anything I could get my hands on.  In the last four months I have worked my way through that book collection and have taken it down to a mere fraction of what it once was.  I just realized though in looking over what I kept that there was this consistent theme that emerged from the choice of previously read books that I held on to.  

Now like every self respecting single young woman I will confess a LOT of the books in my collection seem to have been romance novels.  The interesting thing I discovered as I pulled books off of shelves and tossed them in boxes for Half Price Books, those were some of the easiest to part with and when I look at the remaining books now, I find a trend in the romance novels I couldn't quite make myself part with which led me to realize something that I didn't realize at the time I was reading them.  The trend I found myself noticing was that the books with the Cinderella storyline - Girl meets boy, instant attraction, short period of knowing one another, then on to marriage- didn't make the cut.  Every last one of them ended up in the boxes.  The ones that were left were those with more of a Beauty and the Beast storyline - Girl meets boy, a gradual friendship occurs and the couple ends up in a place where they discover their life has become better because the other person is in it to the point a deeper relationship develops almost without their realizing it until the relationship is threatened. 

That said, no the purpose of writing this is not to expound on some romantic revelation I had, but the fact that it made me realize even my preference in reading material has probably been telling me something for years and I just kept missing it.   Relationships that have meaning are hugely important to me.  I don't do well as an island.  I need people in my life who will encourage and challenge me and that I can trust to give me advice.  Those don't develop in the superficial world of Cinderella relationships.  Those are found in the darker less appealing world of Beauty and the Beast.  They are found as you come to accept one another with the faults and failings you both bring into the relationship. 

The thing I've always wondered about Cinderella is what happened over the next 10 years after she rides off with the prince?  After all they really didn't know anything about one another.  How many times did the fairy tale meet a bump in the road?  On the other hand I never wonder that in Beauty and the Beast.  They knew one another rather well, by the end of their story and were better set to expect the bumps in the road.  Yes, we tend to take away from Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast the romantic story, but as I looked at the books remaining on my shelf I realized that whether its a romance, biography, fiction or non-fiction I'm left with the feeling that my favorite books over the years have been telling me I have a desire for more meaningful relationships in every area of my life.  It's a funny thing to realize that you probably had the key to an area of your life long before you ever figured out what it was for...