The Reflection in the Cross

Today I stopped.  

Exhaled.

And for a few stolen moments I allowed myself to walk through a nature park.  

In doing this, taking this time, I realized how much I push this to the back of my list even though I know I desperately need it.  I need that time alone to hear from God.  Somehow I convinced myself over the past few weeks that because I was at home with no one around that I should have been getting my soul fed by solitude.  However, there is something that I have discovered in the past few years about time alone in nature that draws me closer to God and irrevocably changes me.

Today, as I started my walk my head was full of white noise.  The what if's and what should I do's of life that clamor so loudly for my attention.  As I moved into the park I was greeted by the waterfall that has been created by the run off from the lake into a little creek.  While it was the sound of water moving through it's natural environment it had a loud sound that mimicked the sound of the white noise I had brought into the park with me.  

As I followed the path I had started on the loud sounds of the waterfall, moved to a gentler sound of the babble of the creek that ran to my left.  Less noisy, but still a busy sound that while quieter than the rush of the white noise and falls, it still carried a busyness with it.

As I moved a little further down the path, I arrived at the edge of the lake that creates a centerpiece for this little nature preserve.  It had a stillness, a quietness that was so beautiful it demanded emotion.  As I just listened though, I heard the slightest lapping of the water as the breeze skimmed across the otherwise still surface in front of me.  

As I stood there I recognized the need that my soul had been begging for the moment to experience the gentle brush of the breeze that is God's presence.  It has been begging me to move away from the waterfall of white noise and even the distraction of the babbling creek of activity and just be still.  

Introvert or extrovert, I am completely convinced that there moments when we can only truly connect to God in moments of stillness.  When we find those moments to stop the busyness that we choose to engage in that we fill our lives with and just let God show us how he sees us.  

When we run through life from one thing to the next, we fill our seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months and even years with the white noise that sends us to look to others for our reflection.  When our life is the rushing waterfall or the babbling creek it is impossible for us to see our reflection as God intended us to see it.  We will always see a distorted version of ourselves that leaves us believing we are less than who we were created to be.  

We have entered the season of Lent.  

The time we remember the events leading up to Christ death on the cross.  

Have you ever stopped to reflect on the fact that Jesus, the Son of God, went away in solitude prior to the events we remember on Good Friday and Easter?  

Even Jesus needed a moment of silence, some relief from the white noise, an opportunity for whitespace before he could assume the burden of the cross.  

Today, on my walk I was struck by all of the burdens we take on ourselves.  The crosses we take on and carry.  Church work, children's activities, charity commitments, small groups and the list goes on.  Activities that are well intentioned, but do we actually stop to ask if they are the crosses God wants us to carry?  

Jesus went to Calvary with one specific cross.  It was the cross that God had planned for him from the beginning of time.   Even with that one cross, Jesus needed someone to help him with that particular burden.  God had also planned the exact person, who would help him carry that particular cross.

It makes me ask of myself, how many crosses have I tried to carry that were not mine to pick up?  Was I less than successful because they were never mine in the first place so that one person who I needed to help me with them was not there?  It makes me think that sometimes the moments we experience failure can be because we have picked up something we were never meant to pick up and it is impossible to find the reflection of what God sees in us through that cross.  Since God never intended it for us, there is no reflection of who he is molding us into represented there.  When we fail to find that we look to others for the reflection we hope to find and then we begin to become distracted by the babble of the creek.  When we carry the cross we were not intended to long enough, the babble turns into a waterfall of white noise and we then exhaust ourselves trying to find the reflection that can only be found in the stillness of the lake where God's breath can be felt.

Is there a cross that you are carrying that you might not have been intended to carry?  Are you in a place where you are overwhelmed by the waterfall of white noise?  What steps do you need to take to introduce the stillness of the lake where you can feel the breath of God so that you carry only the cross meant for you?

Rest

What does it mean to live intentionally?  In the past I've often thought that it meant filling my calendar as full as I could and then when I thought I had every possible moment of the day filled to add those last few activities in, penciled in the margins because the rest of the space on the page of my life was stuffed to overflowing.  But have you ever noticed that God doesn't really ask us to have overflowing calendars?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."         ~ Matthew 11:28-30

In fact, Jesus called the weary and burdened to him and promised rest.  He told us to learn from Him and we would find rest for our souls. 

Rest....  It's a tantalizing word, isn't it?  Can't you almost taste it like a rich creamy chocolate just begging for you to try it?  But then reality hits and like the diet that keeps us from enjoying the chocolate, our busy calendars keep us from enjoying the rest that God invites us to join Him in.  

Have you ever stopped to think though that every time we say No to rest we are saying No to God?  We become so caught up in the "ought to's" of our calendars that we sacrifice the necessities because we convince ourselves that it's just our sleep or our moment of quiet that we are missing, but in reality is something much bigger.  We find it impossible to say no to people, but we say No and make God wait every time we refuse to take those moments of rest for ourselves. 

In her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace, Bonnie Gray describes those moments as whitespace that God uses to reawaken our souls with rest.  Isn't that a magical thought?  The idea that God cares about us so much that He wants us to take those moments for our soul.

Whitespace has actually become part of our vocabulary at our house since I was introduced to the idea.  We have chore time, family time, dinner time and whitespace time.  It's time that we set aside to invest in ourselves.  It's our moments to connect with God.  It's something that has to be done intentionally though or the hours of the day fill up and we've missed that chance to commune with God in a way that brings us joy.

I should probably warn you though before you start thinking that sounds great!  Time just for me to do whatever I want.  Spiritual Whitespace while a wonderful addition to our lives has also meant we open ourselves up to what God takes those moments of rest to show us about ourselves.  You see, slowing down and just being means that the white noise in our life stops.  The busyness that I can hide behind every other hour of the day isn't there when I stop and let God start to speak through the silence that can be whitespace.

Whitespace moments are the ones that I learn the most about myself, who God wants me to be and the parts of me I still struggle with accepting.  In entering into that relationship where He promises that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, God asks me to let go of the burdens I've taken upon myself to carry.  My faults, failures, other's opinions of me,  He asks for them all to be handed over so He can start to lighten my burden by changing my perception.  It can be a hard and painful process because you see, my yoke has left some chaffed and reddened areas and as with any healing there is pain involved, but then something amazing happens....  I discover one by one as I hand them over that God doesn't have nearly the expectations of me that I had thought....  Oh He still has a lot of things He wants me to do and to be honest some of them scare me, but the difference becomes that He takes so many things off of my plate because He knows what He created me to be.  He doesn't want that overflowing calendar.  He wants me doing a few things that He designed me for well rather than an overflowing calendar full of things that I'm only able to half invest in.

So to answer the question, what does it look like to live intentionally?  For me it means intentionally taking those moments and even hours of whitespace time.  Allowing God to clear my calendar and filling it with those things that He calls me to.  It means saying Yes to God and No to other things that might seem good, but aren't God's best for me.  It means intentionally investing in myself so that I have more to give to others.

So what about you?  Will you allow God to introduce you to the rest that He wants you to know?  Are you willing to introduce whitespace into your calendar so that He can make you into the work of art he designed you to be?  Are you willing to live intentionally?

My Word/Words ~ Recklessly Abandoned

"but for my own part, if a book is well written, I always find it too short."

-Jane Austen

Have you ever thought of your life as a story you are writing?  When given the challenge to write about my one word for 2015 I found myself thinking about it.  I felt pretty sure that my one word required two words rather than just one, but upon further consideration I realized that One Word becomes a start.  Something to build the chapter of my story titled 2015 around.  Thanks to a vision casting Sunday from a pastor I've come to admire greatly, I have found myself contemplating the last day and a half how the direction my husband and I feel God calling our family during this year works with my word and of course like any good story, there is a back story.

I'm not sure if it's unique to myself, but when presented with the idea of choosing a word for the year last year I did not do so lightly.  It was with much thought, conversation and even arguing with God that I landed on the word Pieces for 2014.  Now, personally I thought that God would use this word to do great things in my life.  You know the kind that grab people's attention in this "wow, we want to be like you" or "just look at what God is doing in her life" sort of way.  Somehow that didn't happen though.  Instead the word Pieces became appropriate as it felt like I just watched my life fall apart.  Job loss, health issues, isolation...  It never seemed to stop, but somehow in the middle of all of that God was doing just what a line in the song He gave me said He would do,  He was making my pieces fit.  Through all of the falling apart that was happening He was introducing me to key people essential to prepare me for the coming year of 2015.  He was taking all of the pieces that had been or were trying to be forced together and He was making them fit the way He knew they needed to fit together.  In the middle of my crazy life, He brought a new counselor, D, who challenges me in so many amazing ways but at the same time provides the tools I need to set healthy boundaries that allow me to give myself permission to follow the advice of a kindred, Bonnie Gray, and find spiritual whitespace in which to connect to and hear God more clearly.  He took me back to my hometown using my husband's friendship with someone to bring Pastor Debbie Salters to my attention, who just through passionately following where God leads in a community I know well has inspired me to live my own life very differently.  Being on the 2015 side of 2014 I start to see the picture that formed in 2014.

So as November rolled around I began to consider whether I would choose a word for 2015.  Honestly, after the painful experience of 2014, I will admit to being reluctant to let God use one word to define my life yet again.  But something happened....  One day when listening to Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets, the phrase "recklessly abandoned" came to my attention.  I found myself thinking about that phrase a lot over the next few weeks and after much debate with God realized that I had found my word/words for 2015.  If you insist on one word I suppose I'll have to go with Abandoned.  If I get to have it my way I use the phrase Recklessly Abandoned.  Abandoned by definition means giving up control, but when you add Recklessly its meaning becomes to give up control with no regard for the consequences.  I think that's why I like the phrase over the word.  I want to learn to live saying no to the less important things in life so I can say yes to the most important things.  I want to learn to simplify my life so that spiritual whitespace and sharing my story (all of my story, not just the pretty pieces) become second nature.  I want to learn to cut out the busywork and white noise so that I can build relationships in unlikely places.

While I'm one of the first people who will argue that life is much less overwhelming when you have some structure and a schedule I want to live holding those things in an open hand, using the structure and schedules to enable me to live intentionally so that I can give up control in the areas that matter most.  Sounds crazy doesn't it? But I believe it's possible.  In 2015 I want to learn to use those tools to enable me to intentionally live Recklessly Abandoned.  

So I find myself thinking that while it seems that in some ways the words I use to describe what I want to do with 2015, simplify, intentional living, whitespace...  While they all could be words for my year, they become the action verbs to my year.  Pieces of a story that God is putting together to create the story of me.  So what's your word and your story?

Peace vs Chaos

Chaos....  It's the week of Christmas.  In fact it's the Eve of Christmas Eve, all around us there is rushing to get those perfect last minute gifts.  To cover everyone on the list that we might have forgotten...  The mailman, the paperboy, did we get the distant relatives their fruitcake.  We take a season that inundates us with songs about peace on earth and we join in the chaos that is anything, but peace.

Peace....  It's such a calming word.  Just saying it makes one start to relax...  Until you remember that you still need to wrap all of those presents and get them under the tree.  Oh, and does overnight mail really make it overnight or should you drive the 3 hours and just deliver the package yourself?  Although you really don't have that time since you need to wrap still more presents and then get ready for one family gathering on Christmas Eve and yet another Christmas morning.  And then there's the Christmas Eve service at church or should you try to squeeze in some time volunteering for the dinner the church has agreed to host at the nearest shelter.  Which will appease God the most during this crazy time of year?  Which one fills the requirement of "goodwill to men" the best?  The decisions pile up and scream to be addressed and still Christmas creeps closer and closer while you just don't have enough minutes in the days left until the big event!

We stuff our lives so full of activity at this time of year.  We do it all in the name of good, but is it really?  I've been giving it some thought this year as our family has decided to not get caught up in the chaos that surrounds Christmas.  

I sometimes think as Christians we've become caught up in the commercialism that surrounds the time of year that we celebrate the birth of Christ.  We get caught up in the chaos that is the world around us.  Do we ever stop to think about the events that surround that insignificant night in Bethlehem centuries ago?  

I say insignificant because that's really what it was.  When you think of the media coverage that surrounds the birth of the latest British royal and compare it to the fact that the first to acknowledge the birth of this baby that was likely just one of several born in Bethlehem were mere sheep herders that night really isn't significant from a world view.  In fact the chances are that night the occupation by the Roman government and military was of much greater significance than the young couple from out of town who had their first child.  So in a time filled with the chaos, confusion and unrest that comes when one country is occupied by another there comes a baby boy.  A baby boy who's birth announcement is delivered to rough shepherds in a field by angels.  I love the way the NIV translates Luke 2:14 

"Glory to God in the highest heaven and on earth peace to those on whom His favor rests."

Peace.... There's that word again.  Peace, what does it mean?  I think often we believe that it means an end to war both physical and spiritual wars.  But that child was born into a nation occupied by another government.  And 30 plus years later when he was put to death that same foreign power still controlled his homeland.  Kind of challenges the idea of peace.

So what if peace means something totally different than what we think of this time of year?  What if peace means that the purpose of his birth was to bring peace in us as a counter to the chaos that surrounds us?  What if the "peace to those on whom His favor rests" is intended to be a gift that we are given?  What if it's God giving us the opportunity to throw off the chains of chaos and duty and to purposefully invest in moments of quiet?  What if it's not just moments what if it's the opportunity to live our entire lives with a tranquility and quiet inside us that defies the chaotic, busy world around us? 

Sounds great and unrealistic, right?  But does it have to be?   That same baby boy who's birth was announced with the phrase "peace to those on whom His favor rests" went on to share with his followers that:

"Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called the children of God"

Is it possible that by choosing to live in the chaos that surrounds not just Christmas, but is the accepted not just in the world around us, but in the work we claim to do for the Christ who promoted peace we miss out on unimaginable blessings?  Have we turned relationships into tasks to be accomplished rather than a whitespace moment to spend with a friend that will add beauty and meaning to our lives?  Have we begun to thrive on the white noise that surrounds us and no longer recognize that God speaks in stillness?  If in his favor God extends peace then are we choosing to decline His favor by opting to live in the chaos and call it God's work?  Is it possible that we are settling for less than God's best for us in neglecting one of the key reasons he sent us his Son?

So on the Eve before Christmas Eve, I'd like to invite you to opt out of the chaos.  Stop and find a moment to explore what peace means to God.  We're surrounded with songs that remind us about holy nights, moments of peace, simplicity and we have a choice.  We can become a counterbalance to the new kind of chaos that exists in our world today or we can join it and never fully grasp what peace on earth truly means.

My Paradigm Shift

The paradigm has shifted and there is no going back to what was before....

We all go through periods of change.  Some moments are easier than others.  A little happier and with change that is something to celebrate.  Other moments are a little less enjoyable, but survivable.  Still others leave us devastated in their wake wondering if life can ever be alright again.  I think the latter ones are the moments when we feel that paradigm shift.   

I don't know about anyone else, but I for one am not overly fond of things that change in a way I can't recognize anymore.  It leaves me feeling off, wondering where I fit in and more often then not if it is a negative experience I find myself trying to find a way to blame myself for the fact that the change happened.  

Often lately I find myself feeling much like Frodo returning to the Shire after his journey with the ring.  He left the Shire an idealistic hobbit thinking very much that he would deliver a ring to the Elves and he would be done.  Little did he know that a long, difficult journey was before him that did not end at Rivendale, but went all the way to Mordor.  When he returns he is so changed he never really finds a way to fit into life in the Shire.  A shift had occurred and he was no longer the same hobbit that everyone remembered.  

I think that is very much how I feel at this moment in my life.  I'm a Mommy, but it's not my sole identity.  I have things I feel very passionate about, but fail to see a way to live them out.  After months of isolation I'm returning to a world where everyone's daily life has continued on, but I'm no longer a part of it.  Where does that leave me?  

I feel like God's been showing me some interesting things about where that leaves me.  It leaves me in a world where I see much better the "what was supposed to have been" rather than the "what happens now".  But I think that's ok.  It leaves me realizing that it's alright to stop pretending things are ok when they aren't.  It leaves me valuing my whitespace moments that provide the opportunity for God to speak to me.  It makes me realize that maybe the well-meaning white noise around me keeps me from hearing what God wants from me right now.  Maybe God blesses me with silence and isolation to bring me closer to Him.  

I look around me and see so many activities going on under the guise of good, Godly activity and I start to understand that we've become so busy doing for God that we've forgotten how to just be with God.  Or did we ever really know that?  Are we afraid of what God will say to us if we stop long enough to hear?  Will He ask us to do something uncomfortable?  Something we don't want to do?  

I'll pretty much guarantee that He will.  How do I know this? Because when I stopped to listen that's exactly what He asked me to do.  To stay in a situation that brings much more pain than joy.  A place that it's impossible to explain to others why I stay except for the simple explanation of God says stay.  But in staying He's asked even more.  He's asked me to stop pretending.  Stop pretending that I'm strong enough to muscle through each moment He asks me to spend there.  To stop pretending that I'm not messy.  

The reality is I'm exactly that.  I'm messy, I'm emotional, I'm not ok all the time and the truth most days I don't want to stay where God has asked me to join Him.  But that's where my paradigm shift has left me, in a place I don't feel I belong, but God says I'm there for a reason.  My paradigm shift has changed the landscape that I'm returning to like an earthquake disrupting the beautiful California countryside.  In its aftermath my home disappeared and I'm left trying to figure out the pieces that are left of that former life.  

Pieces....  My word for 2014....  It begins to make sense of my paradigm shift....  It destroyed the facade of genuine and authentic and makes me see myself differently.  It brings to my attention others that struggle with shattered pieces that belonged to what used to be their reality and in doing so leaves me feeling a little less lonely in my messiness.

White Noise

As I enter the last month of 2014 I find myself looking back over it with mixed feelings.  It's been such a roller coaster year.  I find myself marveling that the very things that filled me with hope and excitement at the start of 2013 have now become a source of immense pain, sorrow and isolation.  How does so much change from one year to the next?

2014 has become a year that while I would never change the birth of our beautiful little Myka, for the most part I struggle often with just wanting to forget the pain that is the last year.  I've had a lot of "why, God" questions this year.  Why when I've always experienced almost sickeningly good health do I have to be taken out at the knees by pregnancy?  Why does it have to impact all of my relationships in a way that leaves me feeling alone and isolated?  Why does that extreme isolation have to last another 2 months after our Princess Baby arrived?  Why do I have to continue to feel that extreme sense of aloneness even after that 2 months is up?  I'm full of why questions.

The reality is I'd love to snap my fingers and get over it.  To get on with my life the way I lived it before everything started to change, but the truth that I'm discovering is that while the answers to all of my "Why" questions aren't always apparent every so often God gives me a little glimpse at the reason.

You see, God has spent 2014 teaching me some important lessons, just like Moses had to flee to the desert to hear God, Elijah had to be separated from the noise of those around him and even Jesus, himself spent 40 days in the wilderness, I had to become separated from the busywork I was surrounded by that masked itself in relationships and church work to actually have the opportunity to hear what God was trying to tell me.

James reminds us that we are to "count it pure joy" whenever we meet with difficulties, but I think that myself like most people would like to kind of gloss over that part of Scripture.  It's much easier to read about the cancer survivor or the motivational speaker faced with the challenge of living life without arms and legs then it is to ask how that verse applies to me personally.  See, I know I'm probably not going to like the answer.

For me the answer has meant that God has had to remind me that I can't hear him when I won't slow down to listen.  When I'm caught up in the activity even of "good work", there is lots of white noise.  White noise while it's never very loud none the less drowns out beauty of silence.  This morning as I write this I'm sitting in a quiet living room before anyone else is up.  It's amazing what you hear when you stop to listen to what is going on around you.  I hear the little noises that my baby girl makes in her sleep.  I hear life starting to happen on the street outside my house as people start their morning routines or commute.  I hear the ticking of the clock that I often forget about.  I hear the creaking and settling of the house we call home.  And lets not forget the breathing of the dogs lying next to me.  In my daily life, I had become so busy running from one thing to the next that I never stopped to pay attention to the seemingly meaningless details.  The things that make up the fabric of our lives are the little things we often ignore.

I think that's what God has been using 2014 to show me.  The importance of taking those moments and just listening and being.  Whether it's with him or with the people I happen to be with, I realize that by having things taken away I value them more.  I realize that it's ok for me to give myself permission to spend an hour with someone and not look at my phone.  If I'm staring at a screen for a large portion of my time with someone, I'm creating white noise that keeps me from truly seeing what they need from me.  They don't need me distracted, they need me present.  The time that I spend with someone and how I spend it impacts how they will be a part of my life tomorrow, next week and even next month.  If I make them feel that I'm distracted and they are taking me away from more important things chances are that next time I try to spend time with them they might not be available.

I think as I try to re-acclimate to life after extreme isolation I realize the little things now.  I realize how I feel when someone I'm with is trying to carry on a conversation with another person via text while spending time with me.  I struggled for a while with how it made me feel, but now I'm seeing it as the gift it is.  Extreme isolation brings with it a higher sensitivity to how a disconnected person experiences the things that I might have never thought twice about doing before experiencing it myself.

At first I just thought of myself as broken.  Health that made it impossible for me to live a "normal" life.  Isolation when my health kept me from doing all the things I had once juggled successfully.  Now I'm starting to see it as a blessing.  God has given me the opportunity to clear my head of the white noise that we so often live our whole lives in and has allowed me to find value in whitespace and saying no to busyness while saying yes to life with purpose and being truly present in small doses rather than living in the lie that you can juggle dozens of "close" relationships successfully.  Never taking care of or truly taking time for myself to recharge and reconnect with God.  Don't get me wrong.  As my counselor reminds me, I'm coming out of this part of my life with a new identity.  One that I often don't understand completely yet and I do still have moments of mourning the "normal" life that I had at one time.  It seems like it would be much easier to go back to living in the white noise, but once you've seen the value of life stripped down there's no going back.