Versions of Me

I love the little girl in this picture.  She's serious, but at the same time looks happy and all ready to pose like the princess she thinks she is.  Sometimes I wonder what happened to her.  I don't really remember her all that well most of the time.  Somehow it feels like she's been lost over the years.

This little girl never seems to be bothered by the constraints of time or the world around her.  She always seems comfortable in who she is.  Never even considering for a moment that anyone would think there was anything wrong with her.

Somehow though the innocence that I see when I look at this picture seems to have disappeared.  The little girl that looks loved for who she is becomes lost in well meant attempts to mold her character and make sure she behaved in a certain manner and dressed a certain way.

Over the years whether it was true or not this little girl somehow started to equate being loved with being a "good little girl".  Her value in her eyes eventually was only there if she was able to be what others wanted her to be.  And so she became caught in a cycle of doing.  Constantly doing trying to earn the approval of others and even God.

"You can't keep her sealed off in the past anymore."

-Finding Spiritual Whitespace

Suddenly I find myself looking at this picture I've come to cherish differently.  Here is a little girl sitting quietly on a fence, all dressed up for no reason, holding a flower and letting the breeze blow her gauzy dress and hair.  I find myself realizing that this younger me actually has a very important lesson for the older me.  Rather than her needing to grow up and be like me, I need to learn to go back and be more like her.  

I need to remember that in choosing to invest in moments of spiritual whitespace I am choosing to live in the truth that I am valued.  I am special.  And I am God's beloved.  

In choosing whitespace I am choosing to live the extravagant life that this little princess personifies.  When I take that time to introduce quiet to the chaos of life I am making the decision to believe that I was made for beauty rather than just created to function.  And in doing that rather than consigning this little girl to the past, I bring her forward and embrace who she is in the present.

Facing the Past

Recent conversations with a couple of friends combined with things I've found myself struggling with recently have made me think a lot about how our past affects us.  It's funny, but it seems like every time I start to think I've made progress in an area something happens that makes me think maybe not as much as I thought...  Maybe it's just God keeping me humble, but after managing for a few months with no issues from one I think maybe I had started to think I had it under control, which obviously meant God had to show me I'll never have it under control.  

I realize it's a lesson that will probably still have to be repeated occasionally, but I discovered something this time around that I hope I remember a little more quickly in the future.  To deal with wounds from the past the only way to heal is to continually give them over to a loving God.  Of course much like Frodo discovered after being stabbed by the Nazgul some wounds while they heal always leave reminders.  They bring with them certain reactions that are instictive because of the original pain they delivered.  We pull away from the pain that we expect. 

Of course even though we pull away almost instinctively we still have the final choice.  We can continue to pull away and react defensively or we can face our fears and insecurities and allow God to use others to help us deal with them.  I suppose that one thing that stood out to me as I personally faced some things and it was that maybe as a way of getting me ready for the next growing phase God had sent just the right people into my life to give me the reality checks I needed at the time I needed them.  People who weren't afraid to say slow down, hurry up, kick it in gear or even just wait. 

I think it brought me back in a full circle to something the last several months have been reinforcing.  Success in life really is about the relationships we make.  Not success in the "I made the Fortune 500 list" way, but success in that I accomplished things I never would or could have on my own and I did it because of the people who held me up when I was discouraged, encouraged me when I didn't see what God was doing and held out for the bigger picture they could see from their vantage point.