Versions of Me

I love the little girl in this picture.  She's serious, but at the same time looks happy and all ready to pose like the princess she thinks she is.  Sometimes I wonder what happened to her.  I don't really remember her all that well most of the time.  Somehow it feels like she's been lost over the years.

This little girl never seems to be bothered by the constraints of time or the world around her.  She always seems comfortable in who she is.  Never even considering for a moment that anyone would think there was anything wrong with her.

Somehow though the innocence that I see when I look at this picture seems to have disappeared.  The little girl that looks loved for who she is becomes lost in well meant attempts to mold her character and make sure she behaved in a certain manner and dressed a certain way.

Over the years whether it was true or not this little girl somehow started to equate being loved with being a "good little girl".  Her value in her eyes eventually was only there if she was able to be what others wanted her to be.  And so she became caught in a cycle of doing.  Constantly doing trying to earn the approval of others and even God.

"You can't keep her sealed off in the past anymore."

-Finding Spiritual Whitespace

Suddenly I find myself looking at this picture I've come to cherish differently.  Here is a little girl sitting quietly on a fence, all dressed up for no reason, holding a flower and letting the breeze blow her gauzy dress and hair.  I find myself realizing that this younger me actually has a very important lesson for the older me.  Rather than her needing to grow up and be like me, I need to learn to go back and be more like her.  

I need to remember that in choosing to invest in moments of spiritual whitespace I am choosing to live in the truth that I am valued.  I am special.  And I am God's beloved.  

In choosing whitespace I am choosing to live the extravagant life that this little princess personifies.  When I take that time to introduce quiet to the chaos of life I am making the decision to believe that I was made for beauty rather than just created to function.  And in doing that rather than consigning this little girl to the past, I bring her forward and embrace who she is in the present.

Being vs. Doing

What is a life sold out to God?  As someone who grew up in church and often heard how we need to "sell out to God", "surrender our life to Him"  and "die to the world".  I'm sorry to say eventually I came to the place that it really didn't matter how it was phrased I began tuning it out thinking the idea was this high spiritual plane that I could never even hope to achieve so what was the use in trying?  In my mind it became better to simply not try rather than try and be reminded of my shortcomings.  Not necessarily the right attitude to have, but one that I was able to function with.

I'm not sure at what point the light bulb actually went off in my head, but at some point I came to a realization about the problem with my thought process.  I was operating under the idea that I had to "fix" myself so to speak before I could "surrender completely".  I had to make myself acceptable before I could expect God to accept what I had to offer.  In other words, I had Cain's problem.  I thought somewhere in me there was something that God would be honored to accept for his service if I just worked hard enough at it.  I think it was at that point I realized plans are good.  To go through life never having a thought as to what you will do next is not really an option, but how often was I guilty of trying to plan how my spiritual life would go.  I realized that in much the same way I would plan my day out at work, I'll do A, B and C before lunch, D, E and F after lunch and if I get to G and H that's great, but they could wait until tomorrow.  I was applying that to my spiritual life.  If I could read a certain amount of Scripture that day, spend a set amount of time in prayer and go to church a set number of times a week my spiritual obligations had been fulfilled and if I repeated this enough one day I could maybe reach that place where I was "sold out" to God. 

The moment I realized that God doesn't want perfection, he wants willingness was a life changing point for me.  It meant stepping back and not doing, but being.  In doing I was showing others what I could do for God.  If my attitude is wrong I might even be trying to show them how fortunate God is to have someone like me representing him on the humble earth.  The interesting thing about the word do is that in any form it can pretty much stand by itself in a sentence.  It doesn't depend on another word to help define it's intent.  As for being, that's another story entirely.  It needs other words to show it's true and full meaning.  For me that meant that in being rather than doing I have to allow something other than my own steam to define the sentence of my life.  If I can do something in my own power, if people can look at my life and totally explain everything that happens by my strength and endurance then I'm really not living a life that emphasises the wonder and strength of God.  If I can show how I planned to get from point A to point B it's my story, but if there is no human way to explain how point B came from point A, well that's a story that only God can write!

A friend recently made the observation that he believes the way we go through things is the way God makes sure we learn well the lessons he's teaching us.  I must admit that based on my life in the last five years I completely agree with him.  Somehow the struggles as you try to accept that God has a bigger picture in mind while dealing with the daily disappointments of life not being where you anticipated at this point in your life take on a different view when you make it through that lesson and are on the other side.  I think that acceptance that we cannot manage the outcome and giving up control over some part of our life where maybe we didn't even realize control was such an issue for us is one of the hardest parts in the idea of being versus doing.  There is a part of us that wants to sit down and work on our ten year plan so that we feel productive, but the still small voice didn't come when Elijah was calling down fire on Mount Carmel it came when he was at his lowest and couldn't "do" anything to help himself.  In much the same way we have to come to the place that we are willing to "be" the conduit that God can use to show his greatness rather than showing the world how great God is by what we "do".