Lessons in Friendship

Today life seems to have found a little bit of normalcy... 

It's not perfect, but I have a clean organized kitchen so that counts for something right?  

I mean, I'm still dealing with the circus... That's annoying... I don't even like circuses!  I have never had the slightest urge to see the ringmaster, elephants or clowns (clowns really creep me out!).  Yet the ringmaster, elephants and clowns continue to intrude on my peaceful little world.  I keep telling myself they'll take their circus to another town at some point so there's hope...

But enough about the circus... Well, almost enough.  One of the things I am learning is that when those elephants rampage through your life... Sometimes you find yourself hiding under the seat with someone who proves they are one of those exceptional friends.  In a season of life when those relationships feel particularly dry, I find that when I discover those people hiding under the seats next to me I value them.  When life changes and you have that moment that C.S. Lewis so adequately describes...  

An acquaintance turns to friend the moment you realize this is someone you can text or call at any moment of the day and they will be there (ok, unless its 3 am and they finally got the screaming toddler back to sleep...).  They are someone you find yourself in the trenches of life with when you share the same crazy seasons of life.  

Recently, I've been reading books by Jennifer Dukes Lee, Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequest.  As I read about their personal tribes of friends I have found myself longing for that same type of friendship.  A tribe that genuinely felt like mine.  In my current season of life, I'm meeting new people, but relationship happen at a slow simmer for me, much like a really good homemade spaghetti sauce.  Friendships simmer for days, weeks, months and even years and I mourn their loss agonizingly when they change.  

As I read the stories of these women and their encouraging, strong friendships with their tribes, I suddenly realized that in that moment my tribe is small, but it is there.  I have those people it excites to hear from.  Some live states away, others on the other side of the city, but they are there.  Sometimes it just takes the rampaging elephants to see the friends and the family that fill those important roles of your tribe. 

So in the meantime what else am I learning?  

I'm learning to ditch the condiment bottles when the company comes... Serve the condiments in style because as one of my tribe says... It's the little things that elevate to make the ordinary special.  

I'm learning to take the moments and clap with your toddler as hard as you can to make the Little Einstein's rocket "Blast Off" (which you scream very loudly).  Because guess what?  She's the part of my tribe that shows me how to have fun with abandon.

I'm learning that decluttering and intentional living are only tasks when you do them yourself, but when you continue to learn to perfect them with one of your tribe you inspire each other to new levels.

I'm relearning the need to invest in whitespace and to stop and breath.

I'm learning to live 

Present Over Perfect.

Kindred Cravings

Friendship is born at the moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? I thought I was the only one". 

~C.S. Lewis

Remember kindergarten?  When you had been turned loose for the first time in a room full of other little kids you didn't know.  Your mom and dad nowhere in sight.  

Just you.  

Alone.

And then it happened.  

From across the room another little human much like yourself smiles and waves and suddenly you've found your best friend forever!

Wouldn't it be awesome if all of our relationships happened with the ease that those early childhood friendships tend to develop?  Sadly, as we get older and wiser, we learn to guard ourselves more and it becomes much harder to have those moments where you find those kindred friends.

I don't know about you, but I've gotten really good at being friendly without letting people close.  You see I tried it and I'm still recovering from the pain that came out of letting others see the real me.  It makes me reluctant to reach out again and share myself with others.  I know it's how God wants me to live my life, but the truth....

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of being rejected again.

I'm afraid of feeling once more like the kid that no one wants on their softball team.

But at the same time I crave friendship.

Not just having people I can bestow the title friend on, but kindred's who get me.  Kindred's who are willing to accept me with all of the flaws that I bring into the relationship.  Because I don't need someone to point those out to me.  I know they are there because God and I are working on them every day.

And then somehow in the middle of the pain that remains in what use to be my authenticity, I find one of those people that make me say, "What! You, too?  I thought I was the only one...."   I thought that I was the only one to struggle with following God when what He asks of me doesn't make sense.  I thought I was the only one to feel rejected when people can't comprehend why I make the choices I do.  

And out of that recognition of a kindred comes the courage to send an email, a Facebook message or make a phone call.  Somewhere I find the bravery to reach out to that other figure that reminds me of myself.  Maybe it becomes a kindred relationship.  Maybe it's only purpose is to remind me as God reminded Elijah so many centuries ago, that He has 5,000 others waiting in the wings.  

Whatever it is and whatever it's purpose I suddenly feel the stirrings of a hope that soul deep friendships really do exist.  

That there are people following God's leading to a path similar to mine.  

And I desperately need that hope.  

Because I crave friendship.  

I was made for relationship and not just with God, but with others as well.

And so for tonight at least, the fear is conquered and the hope of a friendship glimmers in the future.

And the thought remains that where there is the hope of one, more surely await....

Masks

Have you ever noticed how much people like to wear masks?  We never want to really let others see us for who we really are, so often even when we profess to want genuine and authentic relationships we bring our faithful masks along.  Of course we make sure they are the really cool ones.  The ones that are nearly indistinguishable from us because they contain key pieces of our emotional and spiritual DNA.  They are thin enough that most of the time we convince even ourselves that they are really us, but like any really good mask they hide who we are from everyone around us and sometimes they are even so successful they hide us from ourselves.  For however long we wear them we can convince ourselves that we really aren't as lonely, sad, depressed or isolated as we truly have become.

Masks become a way of life with most of us.  They are what we hide behind when people hurt us or disappoint us.  In fact the more people disappoint us and fail to respond to any gestures of genuine relationship we perfect our mask just a little bit more.  Protecting ourselves from hurt and rejection we secretly vow inside to never let anyone that close again.  

Tonight, I'm finding myself conflicted.  One part of me wants to continue to hide behind the mask, while the other part values the honest, but rather ugly truth.  The honest truth is 2014 hasn't been a very fun year for me.  I've felt rejected and abandoned on several fronts.  It feels like I've lived most of this year much more dependent on a long-suffering (and very awesome) husband than I would have liked with very few friends.  I think circumstances made it even worse since I started feeling the need to live behind masks again.  Never able to be myself with those around me.  Being me wasn't ok anymore.  I'd been genuine and open and the hurt that came along afterward wasn't worth it.  I wasn't ok, but it felt like everyone around me was wanting me to be ok.  They wanted a Tonya that wasn't hurt and crushed, but that's where I was so I pulled out my mask.

One of the bright spots in 2014 for me has been the introduction of a new counselor into my life.  God blessed me so much when he sent D into my life!  With her help and experience I'm learning that it's ok to not be ok with the way things are in my life right now.  I'm also learning to value the very small group of people that it's ok to just be Tonya with.  The small group of people that I can just take off the mask of politeness and say I'm not ok today.  The people who can talk me down when a panic attack starts.  

I'm finding that I'm happiest when I can stop the masquerade that is life outside of this support system because the truth is that I'm not made to live my life behind a mask.  God made me to reflect His glory and that glory has the ability to shine the brightest in my darkest moments.  In my darkest moments I've discovered that I can't hide behind the mask of false happiness anymore.  I've lost that mask somewhere in the last few months.  So I walk out of moments that make me double over in sorrow and loss and I go find a corner in which to mourn the loss of that piece of my life.  I've stopped trying to hold it together as much.  I've also noticed though that when you lose the mask it makes people uncomfortable.  They want to fix something that isn't in their ability to "fix".  My reality is I'm in a season of great loss and grieving, I'll make it through.  God promises in Psalms 23 that even when I walk through the death of a dream He's with me.  He doesn't make me go there alone.  Yes, He's with me, but he's also surrounded me with my tiny fellowship of friends who's strengths support my weaknesses.

So my truth and reality is I'm not ok right now, but I'm ok with that.  Every time that God adds another member to my fellowship of friends, He adds another piece to the puzzle that allows me to lose another mask.  And the adventure in that is my friends come from the most unlikely places!! 

Relationships & Lord of the Rings

My life as of late seems haunted by the topic of relationships, so I've come to the conclusion God's trying to make a point.  From random conversations at Starbucks to Bible study topics it's this repeating theme in my life right now.  Along with that I seem to have developed an obsession with Lord of the Rings right now.  I find myself sticking the DVD in for background noise while working around the house and inevitably find myself picking up a section that stands out to me.  Strangely enough for some reason the character of Gollum stands out to me right now.  He's a character I can't get away from.  I think in some way it's because much like Frodo, I relate to him.  I see a piece of myself in his struggles.  I think on previous viewings I saw him as a villain.  The last few times around I've started seeing him as myself.

There's a Gollum in all of us.  He's really just our everyday inner struggles brought to the outside in their purest, most socially unacceptable form.  I think the scene in The Two Towers in which Frodo is trying to understand Gollum as an individual really struck me this time.  "You were not so very different from a Hobbit once, were you?" is the part that especially stood out to me.  In that one statement Frodo connects with this social outcast, not only that he gives him his name and identity back.  A name and identity that had been lost by the choices he had made.  Frodo makes a connection to that part of this creature that everyone else had given up on.  Frodo gives him a chance to be redeemed by seeing him as more than he appeared.  Of course in the end Gollum chooses a path that leads to his destruction, but even that has significance to me.  Because of a little Hobbit, who was willing to see past the surface to the person that once was underneath he was given a chance.

This made me think what would happen if my struggles took a toll that was as apparent as Gollum's?  Would a Frodo come along and give me a chance to regain who and what I once was?  Would someone show me how I could be redeemed?  Which leads me to the question of what do I do?  Do I see past the Gollum in others to the Smeagol that lies beneath?  Do I focus on our differences or do I see our similarities and use those to build a relationship? 

I believe that God sends people into our lives for a purpose.  If we focus on those similarities our relationships become stronger by the support we share from our varied experience in life.  If we focus on the differences they will inevitably divide us and we become like Gollum living our lives in a distant cave cut off from those who can help with our struggles.  By focusing on those similarities we can find ourselves with a companion like Sam, who when the struggle became so great for Frodo said, "I can't carry it for you... but I can carry you!"