A Terrible, Impossible Thing

"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."

~C.S. Lewis

I find lately that I am at a crossroads.  It is an odd sort of place.  It does not look anything like I expected it to look.  It is a crossroads where my desire to avoid conflict comes in direct contact with the call that God has placed on my life.  It is a call I successfully have avoided sharing with many while still pursuing it in a secret sort of way.  I could refer to pieces of it and find a way to actually avoid ever owning up to the truth that lay behind the partial story I shared.  

I have a gift.  I told some friends lately it's a blessing and a curse, but my gift is the ability to read people.  My first read of someone is seldom wrong.  It scares me sometimes when I start to see those first impressions I get of a person begin to prove true.  

Lately I have begun to realize how much I have been using this gift to avoid conflict.  See I can get a really good idea of whether my bigger secret is safe to say around you without creating the conflict I fear.  I have used this gift, which has amazing potential as a barrier between myself and hurt, shunning and isolation.  I learned at a young age that to be accepted you say the right things around the right people.  That's just the way life works.

And so I hide the most import piece of myself away from most of the world.

I hide it from friends and family.

I make the "right" people happy by not saying the words out loud.

And in doing so I stifle a piece of myself more and more.

As my excitement grows at the endless potential I see around me, at the direction my life is headed.  I find myself wanting to share my excitement with others.  But I wait and find the "safe" spots.  The places where I am guaranteed that I will not experience that conflict.  Where I run no risk of being shamed or put down because of what I have to say.

So I find mentors and meet with them, while avoiding actually mentioning to very many others why I pursue the relationship.  I take classes and still manage to avoid actually saying the words that describe the job for which I am preparing.  

You see, there is a part of me that fears even God will not be able to repair the damage if I say the words.  But the truth is still there even when I shadow it in vague descriptions.  I think that is the crossroads I find myself at.  It is becoming harder and harder to "hide" my truth.  It is becoming more central to who I am than ever.  

And then there are my two little girls.  I look at them and realize.... I do not want them to be like this version of me.  The person, who hides a key part of who God created them to be out of fear.  

So the truth.... My role as student is temporary.  A sort of training for the longer journey ahead.  My role as Volunteer Director at our church.  More extensive real life experience, a chance to learn from an incredibly gifted pastor, who shares his wins as well as his screw ups and makes me realize that I will be able to live out that calling if I surround myself with the right people to support me and challenge me.

I do know the role of a pastor is not an easy one.  Honestly, it's probably not what I would have picked if God had handed me a huge book and said pick your ideal career.  I would have picked something safe like librarian...  No one can really tell you you should not have that position...  There is no end to the debate of whether women should be in pulpits or not.  I know....  I have heard the arguments most of my life.

But my crossroads has brought me to that moment when I can listen to the arguments for all the reasons I should not pursue this path God is leading me down.  Or I can follow.  It really is as terrible and impossible as Lewis implies...  To hand over one's whole self... all your precautions to Christ.  It feel a little like jumping out of a plane without a parachute waiting for someone else to catch you.  But is that not the life God calls us to lead?  We admire Abraham for packing up and following God to a land that he did not know, but we often opt for safety in our own choices.

So I exhale....

And finally own publicly the reality that my Bachelors of Biblical Studies degree is to prepare for ministry.  

To follow a call from God to lead.

And yes.... 

That would be to lead from a pulpit one day.

The Soundtrack of Life

Listen to a soundtrack.  Have you ever noticed particularly in the really amazing movies there is an ebb and flow to the accompanying music?  There are moments it is peaceful.  A rhythm that indicates a rest or moment of peace for the characters.  At other moments it is intense and powerful, moving through action scenes and tense, emotional moments.   Now think about life.....  Is it not very similar in its ebb and flow?  

When I think about my life there were dramatic moments... Moments like the time I experienced extreme verbal confrontation by what amounted to nearly an entire church.  It was the first step on a path that led me to choose a different way of life.  There was the moment when I went into a meeting with a boss thinking I would find support in a decision, only to be told I was being replaced rather than supported.  

There were moments that I will never forget, like meeting the guy I would marry, to realize from the first minute that this was someone worth waiting on.  The moment I knew without a doubt I was suppose to hand in my resignation in nursing because God had another path that was not suppose to wait.  

There are moments like my first pregnancy, which was extremely isolating and lonely.  A moment when I felt extremely invisible and unnoticed.  The moments like this create the more melancholy pieces of my soundtrack.  These are the moments I found myself desperately asking God where he was?  If the church is suppose to be a reflection of his image, than why did I feel so forgotten?  Had he forgotten I existed, also?  

When I think back, even though I have some answers now, I find it ironic that during the events where are suppose to bring you the most joy and happiness, I have experienced the minor chord events of my soundtrack in tandem with them.  

Ultimately, I am realizing that the soundtrack of my life ebbs and flows as needed.  Sometimes I needed to experience the minor chords at that moment because it made the swell and rise of the happiness that followed so much stronger and dramatic!

The birth of my first little girl was painful in that it was cloaked in isolation and feelings of being forgotten  She is a tremendous joy to our lives though.  She teaches me every day to view myself differently.  When she runs into the room and flings her arms open and in her muddled two year old vocabulary declares everything she sees is "beautiful", I'm reminded the deepest joy accompanies the deepest sorrow if we let it.

While life was never the same after what I experienced as she came into the world, it prepared me to experience a different piece of my soundtrack when her sister was born earlier this year.  That soundtrack is one that made me feel valued even though as my second pregnancy progressed, my capacity decreased temporarily.  This part of my soundtrack is one that allowed me to experience different movement.  It was a time of support and excitement.  Shared baby stories and support when my answers needed to be "no" for a season.  When I tried to blame myself for my lack of capacity, my soundtrack was filled with people, who pointed out value where I could not see it.

I have noticed that my soundtrack is becoming more peaceful, less dramatic at this time in my life.  Oh, there are some "dramatic" peaks occasionally.  You cannot always keeps other people's circuses out of your life, but when we let them, the extreme moments we experience have a lesson to teach us.  A lesson that can give us the opportunity to look for God in the unlikely places.

Reflecting on my soundtrack, has me recognizing that God can be there in the word "no".  That simple two letter word can create margin and rest in life.  It better prepares me for the moments that are more intense.  It puts me in a better place to find God when I feel like he has forgotten me.  It creates a rest, silence, space to hear the still small voice that is nearly indiscernible in the crescendo moments.

Sometimes God thunders from the mountain.  Sometimes he answers with fire.  Other times he is found only in the still small voice.  Still others he is in a lonely Garden, when others fail to keep watch with you.  Our soundtrack is a varied experience.  It contains the high movement, the loud moments and the rests because we need all of these.  All of these expressions serve to connect us to God in important ways and in that create our own personal unique soundtrack of life.