Listen to a soundtrack. Have you ever noticed particularly in the really amazing movies there is an ebb and flow to the accompanying music? There are moments it is peaceful. A rhythm that indicates a rest or moment of peace for the characters. At other moments it is intense and powerful, moving through action scenes and tense, emotional moments. Now think about life..... Is it not very similar in its ebb and flow?
When I think about my life there were dramatic moments... Moments like the time I experienced extreme verbal confrontation by what amounted to nearly an entire church. It was the first step on a path that led me to choose a different way of life. There was the moment when I went into a meeting with a boss thinking I would find support in a decision, only to be told I was being replaced rather than supported.
There were moments that I will never forget, like meeting the guy I would marry, to realize from the first minute that this was someone worth waiting on. The moment I knew without a doubt I was suppose to hand in my resignation in nursing because God had another path that was not suppose to wait.
There are moments like my first pregnancy, which was extremely isolating and lonely. A moment when I felt extremely invisible and unnoticed. The moments like this create the more melancholy pieces of my soundtrack. These are the moments I found myself desperately asking God where he was? If the church is suppose to be a reflection of his image, than why did I feel so forgotten? Had he forgotten I existed, also?
When I think back, even though I have some answers now, I find it ironic that during the events where are suppose to bring you the most joy and happiness, I have experienced the minor chord events of my soundtrack in tandem with them.
Ultimately, I am realizing that the soundtrack of my life ebbs and flows as needed. Sometimes I needed to experience the minor chords at that moment because it made the swell and rise of the happiness that followed so much stronger and dramatic!
The birth of my first little girl was painful in that it was cloaked in isolation and feelings of being forgotten She is a tremendous joy to our lives though. She teaches me every day to view myself differently. When she runs into the room and flings her arms open and in her muddled two year old vocabulary declares everything she sees is "beautiful", I'm reminded the deepest joy accompanies the deepest sorrow if we let it.
While life was never the same after what I experienced as she came into the world, it prepared me to experience a different piece of my soundtrack when her sister was born earlier this year. That soundtrack is one that made me feel valued even though as my second pregnancy progressed, my capacity decreased temporarily. This part of my soundtrack is one that allowed me to experience different movement. It was a time of support and excitement. Shared baby stories and support when my answers needed to be "no" for a season. When I tried to blame myself for my lack of capacity, my soundtrack was filled with people, who pointed out value where I could not see it.
I have noticed that my soundtrack is becoming more peaceful, less dramatic at this time in my life. Oh, there are some "dramatic" peaks occasionally. You cannot always keeps other people's circuses out of your life, but when we let them, the extreme moments we experience have a lesson to teach us. A lesson that can give us the opportunity to look for God in the unlikely places.
Reflecting on my soundtrack, has me recognizing that God can be there in the word "no". That simple two letter word can create margin and rest in life. It better prepares me for the moments that are more intense. It puts me in a better place to find God when I feel like he has forgotten me. It creates a rest, silence, space to hear the still small voice that is nearly indiscernible in the crescendo moments.
Sometimes God thunders from the mountain. Sometimes he answers with fire. Other times he is found only in the still small voice. Still others he is in a lonely Garden, when others fail to keep watch with you. Our soundtrack is a varied experience. It contains the high movement, the loud moments and the rests because we need all of these. All of these expressions serve to connect us to God in important ways and in that create our own personal unique soundtrack of life.
The birth of my first little girl was painful in that it was cloaked in isolation and feelings of being forgotten She is a tremendous joy to our lives though. She teaches me every day to view myself differently. When she runs into the room and flings her arms open and in her muddled two year old vocabulary declares everything she sees is "beautiful", I'm reminded the deepest joy accompanies the deepest sorrow if we let it.
While life was never the same after what I experienced as she came into the world, it prepared me to experience a different piece of my soundtrack when her sister was born earlier this year. That soundtrack is one that made me feel valued even though as my second pregnancy progressed, my capacity decreased temporarily. This part of my soundtrack is one that allowed me to experience different movement. It was a time of support and excitement. Shared baby stories and support when my answers needed to be "no" for a season. When I tried to blame myself for my lack of capacity, my soundtrack was filled with people, who pointed out value where I could not see it.
I have noticed that my soundtrack is becoming more peaceful, less dramatic at this time in my life. Oh, there are some "dramatic" peaks occasionally. You cannot always keeps other people's circuses out of your life, but when we let them, the extreme moments we experience have a lesson to teach us. A lesson that can give us the opportunity to look for God in the unlikely places.
Reflecting on my soundtrack, has me recognizing that God can be there in the word "no". That simple two letter word can create margin and rest in life. It better prepares me for the moments that are more intense. It puts me in a better place to find God when I feel like he has forgotten me. It creates a rest, silence, space to hear the still small voice that is nearly indiscernible in the crescendo moments.
Sometimes God thunders from the mountain. Sometimes he answers with fire. Other times he is found only in the still small voice. Still others he is in a lonely Garden, when others fail to keep watch with you. Our soundtrack is a varied experience. It contains the high movement, the loud moments and the rests because we need all of these. All of these expressions serve to connect us to God in important ways and in that create our own personal unique soundtrack of life.
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