Yesterday marked 5 years since I took the first steps away from my nursing career. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving will mark five years since I last filled the position of Registered Nurse. Leaving nursing was an idea that only made sense to my husband and myself. It did not make sense. I was two and a half months away from my wedding. In our planning and wisdom we had decided that while I was feeling that God was leading me to leave nursing we would wait until we had been married a couple of months. Our thought was that I would go to a part-time position and begin pursuing college classes that would prepare me for ministry.
It was the perfect plan....
Until it wasn't.
I will never forget the moment I realized that all of the planning we had discussed meant nothing when God said it is time to leave.
You see, I'm a detail person. I find great joy in making the details work to accomplish a goal. My first goal at that time was to make it through my wedding. But God had decided that there were lessons to learn. So we listened and I handed in my two weeks notice. There were so many people that thought I was crazy. I was quitting with no plan. I sort of feel like I understand how Abraham felt as he packed up to leave his home country.
Neighbor
"Hey, Abram, we see you are packing to leave. Where are you headed?"
Abraham
"I'm not really sure. I'm just suppose to leave"
Neighbor
"Dude, you are nuts! Do you realize that there are heathens are out there?"
Abraham
"Yeah, but God said go..."
The crazy thing...
Within a week or two of my resignation at my job, our associate pastor at the church we were attending handed in his resignation. As I was asked to fill his position as an interim I had my first taste of ministry. While ultimately that position did not work out, it served to provide some valuable insight into what life in ministry would be like.
As I've been thinking about that first step that began a rather crazy journey, it has struck me that November tends to be the month God consistently seems to call our family to follow him in crazy ways that test our faith.
Two years ago, after the position at the church had not worked out I was still working at a local optometrist office. It wasn't nearly what I made in nursing, but it helped with the bills. Then in November of 2015 God called us to the radical again... He indicated that it was time to let go of that little part time job. So after much prayer and with much trepidation, I once more handed in my resignation, letting go of the security that this job provided. All of this as we were expecting our second daughter.
Fast forward another two years and yet again in November, God has called me to let go of security again. This one is a little fresh to share, but the truth in this situation is that I'm once again unsettled. While I can look at my past and see that each time we have moved in the direction that God has directed, He provides amazing opportunities that I never would have imagined.
But still, I find myself standing once more at the abyss of the unknown. I don't know what comes next... I can't plan for the next step in my Bullet Journal. I can't look at the details and connect them all in the right order. Instead I have been called to wait. Waiting is a nerve wracking place to be.... It is full of uncertainty and a fog clouds the future. I can't see the next step right now...
I suppose it was likely a situation much like this that inspired
Psalm 119:105 (NIV)
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.
Right now, the words that I find bringing comfort to my uncertainty come from Matthew 11:28-30 in the Message:
"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and lightly."
"Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."
Part of me wants to force results. I want to muscle through it forcing the details into a place where they work. But deeper connection with God is not found in the busyness and white noise with which we surround ourselves. It is found in the "unforced rhythms of grace".
The truth is I am tired. I'm exhausted in a soul deep way. I desperately need the rest that God promises in this passage. So for this season I find that the uncertainty points me to rest. It points me to pull on those things that I lose sight of when I fill my life too full of the craziness. I asks me to not just learn, but to remember what I have learned about the rhythms of grace God desires us to embrace and live out of freely and without burden.
