I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but somehow over the past few months one of my favorite spots to retreat to has become the garden that houses the Stations of the Cross at our local Catholic church. I have lived in Mooresville for a few years now and have noticed it before, but one day this fall I decided to go there just to take a walk. I really did not expect it to be any life changing experience, but it has proven to be just that.
I struggle with anxiety and even mild depression at times. There are moments when the voices in my head are so loud they seem like actual people to me. They tell me how I am to important. I don't matter to people. I'm forgettable. I'm not good enough or perfect enough. I haven't earned people's good favor. It can get so easy to get lost in people's opinions through those voices. When that happens it becomes easy to lose sight of what God says about me. I get overwhelmed and then the anxiety and panic attacks start.
That's where the beauty of this little garden comes in. One day when I was struggling, I found myself remembering this little space that I had passed by many times. I decided to go visit. I had no expectations expect to be by myself. I found myself wandering through this space revisiting a story I was familiar with, but now asking questions I had never asked before. Why were these pieces of Jesus story recorded for us? What did they mean? How did they impact him? What were the implications of the various parts of his journey to the cross for us?
I grew up in church..... I thought I should know these things, but what I'm finding after a few months of visiting this little garden that follows the journey to the cross is that his story is my story. If Jesus came to earth just to "save" us from our sins, then why are we left here? There has to be more. So what does the story of the cross really teach us?
I am finding as I keep returning to this little piece of land that the story of the cross teaches me so much about myself. This series of weathered plaques gives me the opportunity to revisit any part of my own story and see it through the lens of the cross. Sometimes that journey is one that focuses on the death of things. I've cried as it has focused on loss. The loss of relationships that once gave life and encouraged, but have now become toxic in their effect on my emotional and spiritual health. Sometimes it sparks joy as I see how some things in my life have died so that other things can grow and flourish.
Today I found myself reflecting on relationships. There are key parts of the stations that focus on those Jesus meets, comforts, is ministered to and helped by. These are what stood out to me today. It seems so often that as Christ-followers we can get so focused on the task of sharing Christ with others whether by word or action that we can forget that relationship was key to Jesus ministry. We can become so preoccupied with doing that we forget to be present.
That is the beauty of this little garden of stations in the corner of town that I've discovered. God keeps bringing me back to it as a reminder that I need to be present. I need to be still and to listen. In the silence we will hear him the clearest and loudest. For me, I continue to return to the stations to view my life through the cross. It changes the meaning of loss, pain and even anger. It allows me to reflect on why some things die. They allow me to evaluate the health and unhealth of relationships and situations. It brings me closer to God by bringing me closer to the cross through the reflection of my own life.
