Desolate

But He would withdraw to desolate places and pray. 

~Luke 5:16 ESV

Desolate.  It's a rather depressing word, don't you think?  It's a word that I think we often associate with destruction and loneliness, but its the very word used to describe where Jesus intentionally went.  A place where there was no busyness, no people.  Where it was just Him and God.  An empty place where he could be filled.

Desolate.  I find myself asking the question lately though, if Jesus chose to go to a place that was empty, silent and lonely, what should I be learning from that?  

The truth I'm finding about myself though is the desolate places aren't always places I want to go.  They become the places where I learn about myself.  Sometimes in those desolate places the lies that I've spent years believing about myself are challenged and while that sounds like a good thing it actually can be painful.  I'm challenged to see myself as having worth when it's often easier to view myself through the lens of less than good enough.  You see if I start to see myself as having worth in God's eyes then it means I need to listen to what He wants to say to me in those desolate places.

I'm an introvert who would much rather be lost in the white noise of activity even if it wears me out because silence means that God has the opportunity to remind me who I am to Him.  If I can lose myself in the noise of other people's words that indicate I'm lacking in some way then I'm not required to step up to the task to which God is calling me.

Desolate.  No matter how I try though it's the place that God continues to call me to meet Him.  I hear Him beckoning, offering the rest that my soul longs to embrace.  But inside I often fear it comes with a price.  I somehow feel that the price tag is that I have to give up something that I can't part with.  Some part of me that means I'm no longer Tonya.  

Desolate.  As I'm drawn into that empty place, I realize something amazing.  I see that the emptiness doesn't mean that God is taking away all of these important things.  I'm finding that He's giving me a gift in the desolate place He's called me to meet Him.  He's giving me the gift of simplifying so that I have more energy and more time for the things that bring me joy and energize me.  He's giving me the gift of rest a moment to recharge so that I'm ready to be who He designed me to be.

Feeding My Soul

I find myself struggling with this particular post tonight.  A few weeks ago I decided to respond to an invitation by author Bonnie Gray to write weekly posts based on prompts that she would post.  The first one was easy enough when the prompt was to share about your One Word for 2015.  The next one however was an invitation to go a little deeper.  Share what feeds your soul.  

Honestly, I've tried to not ask that question too much.  It feels like its just too painful.  You see what feeds my soul often ends up being the thing that brings me the most pain.  I realized tonight as I listened to the house around me while taking time out that in the kitchen my husband was playing Gregorian chants while in the nursery my little diva who cannot settle for any "normal" baby music had the soundtrack from Sense and Sensibility playing that the two complimented one another very well.  Just listening to the blend of the two I began to relax.  You see I love music.  I took piano lessons for years, taught myself to play the guitar and to balance the stressfulness of nursing school I took voice lessons.

When I was younger I knew the exact song to pull out when I needed to literally pound on the piano to relieve frustration and I knew the selections of songs that would "make everything better" when I was sad  Music was the way I relieved stress, the way I celebrated, the way I connected to God.

  Unfortunately, music isn't really much of a part of my life right now.  I'm hiding from it right now because it hurts.  I don't play anymore.  I haven't touched an instrument since last April.  On occasion I'll sing, but it's kind of rare. 

I think tonight as I reflect on that question: What feeds your soul?  I find myself struggling to be honest about why I'm not allowing my soul to be fed.  The truth, I look at a keyboard and hear the voice in my head reminding me that I'm only ok at playing the piano.  I look at the guitar and hear another voice reminding me I never took the first lesson.  I think about the stacks of music that I own and keep myself from singing by the voice that says you're ok, but not even close to the best.  

The funny thing about the power of words is that they can become your reality.  What I hear in the words of the past is that I'm not good enough, others are better and in my head if that's true then God doesn't want my less than acceptable offering and He certainly doesn't want that to be what feeds me so I look for something else.  I suppose in a way it makes me a bit like Cain.  I know that you created me to be fed in this way, God, but here would you settle for making this work?  I'm more comfortable with this one.  

Of course when I'm trying to convince God that this other way is how my soul needs to be fed, I'm working really hard at that.  Working hard when Jesus invitation is "come to me and I will give you rest".  On the other hand if I can learn to embrace the way my soul is fed, I get to experience that rest.  It's an inviting thought and maybe embracing it comes in small steps starting with Gregorian chants and soundtracks to Jane Austen movies. 

Brokenness

The reason why the world lacks unity, and lies broken and in heaps, is, because man is disunited with himself.     - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've spent a lot of time over the past year thinking about brokeness.  To be honest, I've spent a lot of the last year feeling pretty broken.  If I had to describe the last year I think broken and in pieces would describe how I've experienced it.  It just feels like I've spent months wrapped in darkness that would never lift.

Today I find myself with an interesting perspective on the last year.  I find myself realizing that brokenness is essential to life.  The seed has to break for the plant to grow.  The cocoon has to break for the butterfly to emerge.  In that same way if we are truly serious about growing then we have to allow God to break the shell we protect ourselves with that hides our true self from the world around us so that we can be who He created us to be.  

In all of those situations I mentioned if the brokenness fails to occur then life cannot exist.  The plant never grows, the butterfly never emerges and we shrivel inside as our true identity is never realized.  

God assures us that He knows the plans He has for us.  If that is truth then do I have any choice but to trust that He knows exactly how my shell needs to be broken so that I grow he strongest?  

If a shell hides my true identity then as Emerson observes I'm disunited with myself. I'm letting something stand between myself and the person I'm suppose to be and only in being broken myself will the brokenness of the world around me begin to change.

Rest

What does it mean to live intentionally?  In the past I've often thought that it meant filling my calendar as full as I could and then when I thought I had every possible moment of the day filled to add those last few activities in, penciled in the margins because the rest of the space on the page of my life was stuffed to overflowing.  But have you ever noticed that God doesn't really ask us to have overflowing calendars?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."         ~ Matthew 11:28-30

In fact, Jesus called the weary and burdened to him and promised rest.  He told us to learn from Him and we would find rest for our souls. 

Rest....  It's a tantalizing word, isn't it?  Can't you almost taste it like a rich creamy chocolate just begging for you to try it?  But then reality hits and like the diet that keeps us from enjoying the chocolate, our busy calendars keep us from enjoying the rest that God invites us to join Him in.  

Have you ever stopped to think though that every time we say No to rest we are saying No to God?  We become so caught up in the "ought to's" of our calendars that we sacrifice the necessities because we convince ourselves that it's just our sleep or our moment of quiet that we are missing, but in reality is something much bigger.  We find it impossible to say no to people, but we say No and make God wait every time we refuse to take those moments of rest for ourselves. 

In her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace, Bonnie Gray describes those moments as whitespace that God uses to reawaken our souls with rest.  Isn't that a magical thought?  The idea that God cares about us so much that He wants us to take those moments for our soul.

Whitespace has actually become part of our vocabulary at our house since I was introduced to the idea.  We have chore time, family time, dinner time and whitespace time.  It's time that we set aside to invest in ourselves.  It's our moments to connect with God.  It's something that has to be done intentionally though or the hours of the day fill up and we've missed that chance to commune with God in a way that brings us joy.

I should probably warn you though before you start thinking that sounds great!  Time just for me to do whatever I want.  Spiritual Whitespace while a wonderful addition to our lives has also meant we open ourselves up to what God takes those moments of rest to show us about ourselves.  You see, slowing down and just being means that the white noise in our life stops.  The busyness that I can hide behind every other hour of the day isn't there when I stop and let God start to speak through the silence that can be whitespace.

Whitespace moments are the ones that I learn the most about myself, who God wants me to be and the parts of me I still struggle with accepting.  In entering into that relationship where He promises that His yoke is easy and His burden is light, God asks me to let go of the burdens I've taken upon myself to carry.  My faults, failures, other's opinions of me,  He asks for them all to be handed over so He can start to lighten my burden by changing my perception.  It can be a hard and painful process because you see, my yoke has left some chaffed and reddened areas and as with any healing there is pain involved, but then something amazing happens....  I discover one by one as I hand them over that God doesn't have nearly the expectations of me that I had thought....  Oh He still has a lot of things He wants me to do and to be honest some of them scare me, but the difference becomes that He takes so many things off of my plate because He knows what He created me to be.  He doesn't want that overflowing calendar.  He wants me doing a few things that He designed me for well rather than an overflowing calendar full of things that I'm only able to half invest in.

So to answer the question, what does it look like to live intentionally?  For me it means intentionally taking those moments and even hours of whitespace time.  Allowing God to clear my calendar and filling it with those things that He calls me to.  It means saying Yes to God and No to other things that might seem good, but aren't God's best for me.  It means intentionally investing in myself so that I have more to give to others.

So what about you?  Will you allow God to introduce you to the rest that He wants you to know?  Are you willing to introduce whitespace into your calendar so that He can make you into the work of art he designed you to be?  Are you willing to live intentionally?

Perception

Perception is a funny thing.  It's something that is formed in every one of us differently.  Our perception is formed by our life experiences, the wounds we've suffered, the joys we've felt and the grieving that has occurred in our lives.  

It's also seems to be one of the hardest things for us to accept about one another.   We so often want our experiences and life views to be the lens through which others see the world, but that is very seldom the case.  You see we weren't created in a factory.  We weren't all poured into a mold that sent us all out into the world exactly the same.  

We had different childhoods and different relationships that informed how we see the world.  They not only inform how we see the world, they impact how we experience it.  Actions that mean one thing to one person take on a totally different meaning for the person who has been wounded by similar actions.   Those relationships, actions and wounds mean that what can seem completely innocent to everyone else in the room can be the very thing that cuts the soul of one lonely individual.  

A little overwhelming though isn't it?  To think that at any given time, in any given place you could say the one thing that cuts to the heart of a person without even thinking about it or realizing it.  Because of perception a relationship could be forever altered by our words or actions....

Wow, that can be kind of a big thing if you think about it.  It can almost make one afraid to let any words come out at all....  

Now, step back a moment and really think about it.  

Our perception is formed by our life experiences, the wounds we've suffered, the joys we've felt and the grieving that has occurred in our lives.  

Perception is informed by our life experiences not just the wounds we suffer.  It is influenced by the joys we feel and not just our grieving.  If it takes all of these things to create perception in each of us, isn't it possible that we can change one another's perception?

Most definitely, the strongest example of changing perception that I can think of comes from Jesus when He speaks to the Samaritan Woman at the Well.  He changes her perception of what it is to thirst, He changes her perception of Him as a Jew and last, but definitely not least He changes her perception of herself.  He takes a woman who comes to the well to draw water during the hottest part of the day so she can avoid the ridicule and shame that being around others guaranteed and He had her running into the town square to tell those same people she had been avoiding about living water that didn't come from the well and not only that He had her owning her faults to every last one of them!  

I think the key to changing one another's perception starts with asking the simple question of why does the other person's perception need to change?  Are we just trying to get them to see things from our point of view?  Or do we genuinely see their need to have their perception changed so they see themselves as valued by God?  As being part of a community?  

For Jesus changing the perception of this Samaritan woman wasn't about making sure she saw what she was and what she had done.  It wasn't even about showing her who He was even though He did that.  It was about making God accessible to her.  Giving her the opportunity at relationship with Him.  In changing her perception He changed her world for the better!  

So again....  Perception is a funny thing.  It's something that is formed in every one of us differently.  Our perception is formed by our life experiences, the wounds we've suffered, the joys we've felt and the grieving that has occurred in our lives.  How will you change someone's perception this week?

My Word/Words ~ Recklessly Abandoned

"but for my own part, if a book is well written, I always find it too short."

-Jane Austen

Have you ever thought of your life as a story you are writing?  When given the challenge to write about my one word for 2015 I found myself thinking about it.  I felt pretty sure that my one word required two words rather than just one, but upon further consideration I realized that One Word becomes a start.  Something to build the chapter of my story titled 2015 around.  Thanks to a vision casting Sunday from a pastor I've come to admire greatly, I have found myself contemplating the last day and a half how the direction my husband and I feel God calling our family during this year works with my word and of course like any good story, there is a back story.

I'm not sure if it's unique to myself, but when presented with the idea of choosing a word for the year last year I did not do so lightly.  It was with much thought, conversation and even arguing with God that I landed on the word Pieces for 2014.  Now, personally I thought that God would use this word to do great things in my life.  You know the kind that grab people's attention in this "wow, we want to be like you" or "just look at what God is doing in her life" sort of way.  Somehow that didn't happen though.  Instead the word Pieces became appropriate as it felt like I just watched my life fall apart.  Job loss, health issues, isolation...  It never seemed to stop, but somehow in the middle of all of that God was doing just what a line in the song He gave me said He would do,  He was making my pieces fit.  Through all of the falling apart that was happening He was introducing me to key people essential to prepare me for the coming year of 2015.  He was taking all of the pieces that had been or were trying to be forced together and He was making them fit the way He knew they needed to fit together.  In the middle of my crazy life, He brought a new counselor, D, who challenges me in so many amazing ways but at the same time provides the tools I need to set healthy boundaries that allow me to give myself permission to follow the advice of a kindred, Bonnie Gray, and find spiritual whitespace in which to connect to and hear God more clearly.  He took me back to my hometown using my husband's friendship with someone to bring Pastor Debbie Salters to my attention, who just through passionately following where God leads in a community I know well has inspired me to live my own life very differently.  Being on the 2015 side of 2014 I start to see the picture that formed in 2014.

So as November rolled around I began to consider whether I would choose a word for 2015.  Honestly, after the painful experience of 2014, I will admit to being reluctant to let God use one word to define my life yet again.  But something happened....  One day when listening to Live Like That by Sidewalk Prophets, the phrase "recklessly abandoned" came to my attention.  I found myself thinking about that phrase a lot over the next few weeks and after much debate with God realized that I had found my word/words for 2015.  If you insist on one word I suppose I'll have to go with Abandoned.  If I get to have it my way I use the phrase Recklessly Abandoned.  Abandoned by definition means giving up control, but when you add Recklessly its meaning becomes to give up control with no regard for the consequences.  I think that's why I like the phrase over the word.  I want to learn to live saying no to the less important things in life so I can say yes to the most important things.  I want to learn to simplify my life so that spiritual whitespace and sharing my story (all of my story, not just the pretty pieces) become second nature.  I want to learn to cut out the busywork and white noise so that I can build relationships in unlikely places.

While I'm one of the first people who will argue that life is much less overwhelming when you have some structure and a schedule I want to live holding those things in an open hand, using the structure and schedules to enable me to live intentionally so that I can give up control in the areas that matter most.  Sounds crazy doesn't it? But I believe it's possible.  In 2015 I want to learn to use those tools to enable me to intentionally live Recklessly Abandoned.  

So I find myself thinking that while it seems that in some ways the words I use to describe what I want to do with 2015, simplify, intentional living, whitespace...  While they all could be words for my year, they become the action verbs to my year.  Pieces of a story that God is putting together to create the story of me.  So what's your word and your story?