Whitespace is Freedom

So I'm excited to share this week that Sunday our little family of three actually made it to a church service in Indianapolis!  It might not sound like a big deal to many, but for us it was huge!  After months of struggling with anxiety, panic attacks and  nightmares, I was able to get ready and go to a service and worship.  It feels like it's been forever since I was able to do this without leaving town.  

The awesome thing about this experience was that God had just the message I needed to hear waiting for me when we got to the school where the church holds service.  The even more amazing thing is the message didn't come from the pastor.  It came from someone who's story reflected mine in some significant ways.  It came from someone who was genuine enough to admit her struggles and doubting God at times.  I have to admit that the thought occurred a couple of times that these are my kind of people.  Broken and trying to heal from their own hurts, but willing to share their story with others even in the middle of figuring that story out.

I think my experience of Sunday has me finally believing that what my kindred, Bonnie Gray shares in her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace is true....  "Whitespace is movement".  For so long it's felt like I've just been in limbo waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  

But the truth is that in taking time out for soul rest.  In saying no to the things I'm not yet ready to take on.  It saying no to unhealth and setting boundaries, I've been clearing the clutter from my life that makes it so hard to hear God sometimes.  

What I am learning is to celebrate the visible movement.  Even if I can't make the next service, I made this one and having accomplished that I know I can do it again.  It's funny how when you are walking through wounds you learn to celebrate the little things.  A year ago I was leading worship on a regular basis, not allowing a service to be missed and feeling guilty if I was sick and couldn't be there.  Today I celebrate the moments I can step foot into a church service and celebrate even more if I can stay for the entire service and not leave due to panic attacks.  I thought for so long it was backward movement, but now I'm recognizing it as creating space for me to embrace who God made me to be rather than living up to other's expectations.  

Whitespace creates freedom.

Respite

Without whitespace, we become emotionally disconnected.  We cannot be touched, nor can we touch anyone.     ~Bonnie Gray

This week I've been operating in exhausted mode.  Last week everyone in our little family of three managed to be sick one right after the other.  This week my husband had meetings and overtime galore and by yesterday I found myself hitting a wall.  I had forced myself along as much as possible, but desperately needed something to bring me joy.  Something that would delight the little girl inside me and so my husband arranged a date night taking me to see Cinderella.

I'm not sure I even realized how much I needed to feel again.  In just coping with the daily demands of life without stop I had become numb to the world around me.  In contrast today as I've taken time to feed my soul I've managed to feel the day I'm going through.  Rather than rushing through the immediate demands of the moment, I've been able to enjoy the funny faces my 7 month old makes as she continues to  adjust to the new texture of her baby food.  We've celebrated her consumption of the entire tiny jar of pureed peas for the  progress it is.  We've had fun matching up her Supergirl onsie and Daddy's Captain America superhero shirt.  I've actually taken the time to taste and enjoy my lunch rather than just swallowing  it as fast as I could to move on to the next item on the list.  

I'm starting to realize how much I do that.  Hurry through one thing to move on down the list.  Not really stopping to experience the moment.  I suffer for the moments I do that, but as I realized this week, slowing down to feel also means I feel the painful memories a little more.

One of the things I've realized with the season of life I'm in right now is that I feel isolation more acutely.  One of the fears I've had since a little girl is the fear of being forgotten, being alone.  When I was 7 I changed schools.  We didn't physically move, but my entire world changed.  While from a distance I saw my little kindergarten friends move on over the years, I always believed that while I remembered them, I was no more than the face they'll never put a name to in a single class picture from 1986.  While most people tend to think children are resilient and will get over things like that, it doesn't seem to have been the case for me.  My belief of that experience has impacted me for decades.  It has made me stay places I should have moved on from longer than I needed to be there.  It's impacted how I leave jobs and churches.  As far as I'm concerned I always believe I'm the most forgettable person in the room.  

This week that belief was challenged.  As I stopped for lunch in the middle of a day full of errands, I heard my name.  As I instinctively looked up and around I recognized a face I hadn't seen in 4 or 5 years.  The first person to befriend me after my move to the Indianapolis area, the first person to call me friend in this new place.  Someone, who I had lost track of in the busyness of life, was sitting at the next table.  Not only was she sitting at the next table, but she remembered me!  After spending some time catching up and exchanging current contact information we parted ways.  As I walked to my car and through the rest of the day I continued to hear the words "you're not forgotten".  

As I get to the end of my week I find myself realizing how much I miss hearing from God when I'm in the busyness of doing.  When I'm not taking the time to care for my soul by resting I get stuck in my head and the lies I've believed about myself for so long.  As I take the time today to embrace the rest that God has for me I am reminded that God designed us for rest.  God created a world, animals, humans, plants and so much more, but even He rested.  

Rest....  It's not something we earn.  It's not something we are worthy of.  It's something we were created for.

So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God.  For all who have entered into God's rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world.

~Hebrews 4:9-10

Rest...  It's how we are suppose to connect to the God who created us.  It is how we hear the message we are the Beloved.  

Rest.... It might not change the fact that the now 35 year old adults that I once attended my early years of school with probably don't really remember me.  It doesn't change the pain of feeling forgotten in more recent relationships that seem to have moved on past me.  But what it does do is reminds me that where it's important I'm not forgotten.  But it does remind me I'm so very loved by Someone who will never forget me.  

The Pieces In Place

Have you ever had those moments that you are in a frustrating season of life?  One you just can't seem to kick no matter how hard you try or how much you beg God it just doesn't seem to end?

I'm in one of those right now.  Saturday afternoon I was so excited.  Finally, after about 6 weeks of struggling and panic attacks it looked like we were at the point of going to a new church.  And then it happened....   Even looking back on it now it seems so simple, there shouldn't have been anything to set me off, but as it happens from time to time I was running through my list just a little too quickly for my husband to absorb everything I was throwing at him and he walked away to collect his thoughts before contributing to the conversation.  Now you have to understand this happens for us on a regular basis.  I've already processed everything out in my head and poor Dustin is left to catch up so there wasn't anything strange about his need to walk away, but that was all it took to set off the cycle of anxiety that was just waiting to be unleashed on my unsuspecting self.  Before I knew it I was in tears for the rest of the night and had the worst panic attacks and nightmares I had experienced in months.  Needless to say after an extremely difficult night our visit to the new church did not occur and once more I was devastated that yet again I was the reason that our family failed to make a church service.

As this week has continued on I have realized something as God has used various people to speak into my life.  A picture starts to form as each person brings a piece of truth that I desperately need to hear.  From one person I hear again the message that he has been giving me for months through my Spiritual Whitespace Bookclub "I am His Beloved", from another I hear the message to give myself grace as I grasp the reality that I'm dealing with burnout, but am also taking all the right steps to repair myself emotionally, spiritually and physically.  From my kindred church I am given the reminder that Scripture tells us where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there.  It's ok, if during this season I am only capable of  watching church online at home with Dustin and Myka on a Sunday morning.  It's only for a season and will pass the more I'm able to rest and heal.  

As I continue to think about all of the people who have been impacting my life this week in their own ways I realize that sometimes part of kicking the frustrating seasons in life means waiting on the right team to be assembled.  For me I need the kindreds in my bookclub sharing their stories helping me realize I'm not alone.  I need the reminder that I'm His Beloved.  I need to hear from someone who's wrestled through burnout to help me recognize the progress I'm making, but also the reality of what I've been through.  I need all of those to help me move on, but more importantly to remind me to give myself grace if it takes a little longer than I might prefer.

The Significance of Three Percent

Only 3% of the world's coffee meets our standards.

~Starbucks

As I sit here tonight in a Starbucks that particular phrase on the top shelf of a display catches my attention.  Only 3%.....  That means that 97% of the coffee produced in the entire world fails to make the cut for this company.  For someone who is not a numbers fan those particular numbers are interesting somehow.  Maybe it's because I've been contemplating my past a lot lately.

It seems like I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm part of some rejected minority.  Never the first to be chosen for anything and often feeling like the default solution when I did end up playing a role of any significance.  Often times it seems that my belief that I'm less than enough is born out by being replaced by others or having the unneeded information shared of why I wouldn't have been the first choice for a particular role as my inadequacies were laid before me.  

I've spent a lot of the last year feeling that sense of rejection.  A sense that I was part of a rejected 3% while the other 97% was running full speed ahead toward..... I'm not  really sure what they are running toward, but they seem to be running at least while I just feel part of nothing.  

But now I find myself thinking only 3%.....  And I start to see my perspective change.  Starbucks has a reputation.  Some would argue it is one of highly priced coffee, but the reality is that they are so particular with their standards that it means they pay more for a premium product therefore they must charge more for that premium product.  

Only 3%....  I remember reading a blog post a few months ago suggesting more thought should go into using a particular song in worship.  That song happens to be one of my favorite worship songs for the exact reason the post suggested caution.  It's a song that offers all of oneself to God.  It's a plea for deeper relationship.  

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders

Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour."

So I find myself contemplating that 3% again. What if what others point out as inadequacies are actually the things that God uses to keep me close to Him?  What if they are part of His refining process for me?  I think one thing I've always realized about myself is that when I'm the most unsure I find myself looking to God the most often.  What if the things that  separate me from the 97% running a full speed are the very things that are making part of something great that  God wants to accomplish?  Out of 12 disciples Peter was the only one to get out of the boat.  Peter was the one who was willing to go into places where he was out of his depth and his inadequacies were exposed so that Jesus could call him out to great things later.

And so I find myself contemplating the significance of 3%...