Whitespace is Freedom

So I'm excited to share this week that Sunday our little family of three actually made it to a church service in Indianapolis!  It might not sound like a big deal to many, but for us it was huge!  After months of struggling with anxiety, panic attacks and  nightmares, I was able to get ready and go to a service and worship.  It feels like it's been forever since I was able to do this without leaving town.  

The awesome thing about this experience was that God had just the message I needed to hear waiting for me when we got to the school where the church holds service.  The even more amazing thing is the message didn't come from the pastor.  It came from someone who's story reflected mine in some significant ways.  It came from someone who was genuine enough to admit her struggles and doubting God at times.  I have to admit that the thought occurred a couple of times that these are my kind of people.  Broken and trying to heal from their own hurts, but willing to share their story with others even in the middle of figuring that story out.

I think my experience of Sunday has me finally believing that what my kindred, Bonnie Gray shares in her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace is true....  "Whitespace is movement".  For so long it's felt like I've just been in limbo waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  

But the truth is that in taking time out for soul rest.  In saying no to the things I'm not yet ready to take on.  It saying no to unhealth and setting boundaries, I've been clearing the clutter from my life that makes it so hard to hear God sometimes.  

What I am learning is to celebrate the visible movement.  Even if I can't make the next service, I made this one and having accomplished that I know I can do it again.  It's funny how when you are walking through wounds you learn to celebrate the little things.  A year ago I was leading worship on a regular basis, not allowing a service to be missed and feeling guilty if I was sick and couldn't be there.  Today I celebrate the moments I can step foot into a church service and celebrate even more if I can stay for the entire service and not leave due to panic attacks.  I thought for so long it was backward movement, but now I'm recognizing it as creating space for me to embrace who God made me to be rather than living up to other's expectations.  

Whitespace creates freedom.