You know that feeling when you feel like your entire world has been rocked on it's axis. You know in that moment that nothing will ever be the same. You just cannot see the world in the same way after "that" event happens.
I am not sure about you, but my favorite part of a movie is the moment the lead character realizes, who they were meant to be and just grabs on to it and holds tight. It takes "that" moment, but then the entire story changes. We move a little closer to the edge of our seats and try to reach in to the character. It happens early in our lives. I think instinctively even as young children we have the desire to be known for who we really are.
One of my favorite things right now is watching my two toddler daughters watch "that" moment in their favorite movies. For my youngest, Eden it means at 20 months mimicking the motions of Elsa as she runs up the North Mountain and belting out the word "Go" at just the right time. For my oldest, Myka it means getting out her guitar the moment Ash, in Sing starts to stomp out the beat to "Set It All Free", in a fierce determination to let nothing hold her back any longer. At a year and a half and three years old my little girls recognize that in this moment these characters have recognized who they are and they want to be a part of that.
As we become adults the movies change, but the draw to that moment does not. We see it when Aragorn comes into his own in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Right now I see it in the song "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman. As I see this scene I lean in a little closer because I want to feel that moment that this group of misfits leaves the opinions of other behind them and owns their uniqueness.
Uniqueness.... Have you ever noticed how humanity will fight to own a one of a kind original piece, but wants the most unique creation of all, humans, to fit and conform? This is a brokenness we see all the way back to the beginning of our existence. The suggestion to Eve that by eating the fruit "you will be like God" is the first invitation to humanity to abandon our uniqueness (Gen 3:5). From there on humanity manages to consistently find ways to lose or hide our uniqueness. Overtime we became obsessed with a need to fit in to the larger whole. To find our place by conforming to the expectations of the most powerful personalities in our sphere.
Now we become resistant to our own uniqueness because it now includes unique brokenness. If we begin to examine that brokenness we begin to feel exposed. Our brokenness prevents us from conforming. So we hide it and call it a weakness, trying desperately to conform when we see the glaring evidence that our very brokenness makes us distinctly unique. No one shares our brokenness exactly because they do not live our same exact story.
C.S. Lewis wrote,
Friendship is born the moment when one man says to another "What you too? I thought that no one, but myself.."
That is the power in exploring our broken uniqueness. It is only by understanding the unique gifts we bring to the world that we can truly say "This is me".
Our messy brokenness can be so difficult though. When we start to explore it, we will experience rejection. It will make some people who have shared our journey uncomfortable. We will experience discomfort as we learn about the unique individual that we have spent years and even decades hiding. We will find beauty. The moment we lean in to the screen when Elsa throws her glove or when Aragorn give a speech worthy of a king becomes something we have the opportunity to experience ourselves. It allows us to look at the characters we admire and feel kinship.
I have often spent my life feeling like Mia Thermopolis in the Princess Diaries. I'm really good at being invisible. If I stay invisible maybe I won't get hurt or will at least avoid conflict. Maybe I won't get yelled at or punished. There are so many advantages to invisibility. It's the next best thing to conformity. If you can't mimic everyone at least make sure they don't notice you. Then I started to realize as did Mia, royalty cannot hide. If I genuinely believe in this whole God the Father thing, then I need to learn as Mia did how to conduct myself like royalty. And so I learned to explore my brokenness.
That exploration led me to realize a lot of big things about myself. I struggle with depression. I have panic attacks and experience anxiety. I have PTSD. I stress eat. I have moments of crazy insane mommy guilt. I yell at my husband on occasion. I also learned that I have a massive amount of grace to extend to others. I am an introvert, but I am also relational (yes.... those two things can co-exist in one human). I learned I actually enjoy camping and I love the outdoors. I realized that I have a gift for details. I learned that in spite of what that mommy guilt tells me, I actually have daughters who regularly expect to go on "adventures". I learned that I never outgrew cartoons and I absolutely LOVE Disney Princesses. I learned that fresh flowers bring incredible joy to my life and that it is ok to have them. I learned I enjoyed listening to Podcasts. I learned I love Bible Study and Application. I learned that I could earn a Bachelors Degree while raising toddlers. I also learned there were some soul deep hurts that still haunted me. The crazy thing about emotional and spiritual healing that I am learning is that you never really "arrive". You can't actually get to a place and say well... Mark that off the list.
The journey of discovery is unique to each of us. We get to take it at our own pace. God will stretch us, but he doesn't force us. He will challenge us, but he doesn't dictate. What we do get in that journey of discovery is our own moment to say "This is me". The more we embrace and learn who God designed us to be the more we are able to live in confidence in our uniqueness. As we embrace the brokenness and the lessons and healing it holds we are able to stop letting others dictate our lives and we are able to listen more closely to the still small voice that knows exactly who we are suppose to be.
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