When Being Intentional Hurts....

Intentional found me in a strange way this weekend.  

I try to be really careful about how full we fill our weekends and usually since my husband, Dustin, and I discuss pretty much all of our plans before committing we are pretty good at catching when we start to overbook.  

This weekend did not look that full going into it, but somehow by the time Sunday hit we were on empty.

Sometimes it isn't the activity as much as it is the emotional state in which we enter the weekend.

Friday was a girls night at our house were some friends came over for a Thirty-One party I had decided to have.  It was amazing and something that I had not even realized my heart desperately needed!  

Saturday, we celebrated the fact that our little Eden turns 1 this week!  It was so amazing to have our family and friends celebrate our baby girl!  Of course a last minute venue change due to rain and the need to come up with a way to entertain the toddlers and kids that were present added a little stress.  In retrospect though I can recognize that God's timing is crazy and even extends to the little things as just that Sunday a friend at church had passed on a great obstacle style toy that was a huge hit!

By the time we hit Sunday, however, my personal resources had been exhausted...

This time each year our church has a picnic.  It's such a great and relaxing time, a change from the normal and this year we were adding outdoor worship.  I prepped food the night before and we made it all the way to the parking lot only to realize that I was so exhausted I was on the verge of a panic attack.  Panic attacks are frustrating for me since I cannot exactly predict them.  They pop up at the most inopportune times and at times like this get in the way of things I genuinely want to do.

So there I am standing in the parking lot, hearing Dustin say we needed to leave to give me space, but I was torn.  I wanted to desperately to go, but deep inside I knew he was right.  I've had the panic attacks happen in church situations and its really hard and not the atmosphere you really want to bring to a party.  So we got back in the car and left.  To make things crazier we made it all the way back to our house for our 2 /12 year old to declare she was not ready to be at home!  And so we left home, got lunch and went to the park for a walk and time on the playground.  And that was where I found the peace my soul was begging for.  Time in nature.  Exploring a place that is dear to our family.  

The truth.... To think about not being able to be part of our church family Sunday still hurts.  I love seeing my littles play with the children of friends.  I love the sense of family and belonging.  

Belonging....

It's the feeling we all have.  We want to belong.  It's why we join any variety of groups.

One of the things that I have become acutely aware of this last week.  I want to belong.  I have an indescribable fear of isolation.

I'm an introvert, but I crave relationships.  

It's a strange place to be where I need those moments with only me, but at the same time I don't want to be completely alone.

I feel the loss of friendships and relationships at a soul deep level.  I find myself mourning them long after I have accepted the ending was inevitable.

The reality though is that from the very beginning of time God intended for us to live in relationship. In creating man, God declares in Genesis 2:18 that it is not good that man is alone and he creates woman.  We were not designed to live in solitude.  We were designed for relationship.  Jesus spends his ministry not alone, but in relationship with a group of twelve disciples, but often we forget that he also called Lazarus, Mary and Martha friend.

I so often can lose focus and feel isolated by the things I feel I miss, the relationships that people walked away from, the Sunday picnic's I missed.  I can forget the birthday parties people show up for, my amazing friends, who are only a text away.  

So what does intentional, isolation and belonging have in common?

This weekend I learned that it was the reality was I needed my people in smaller groups.  Intentional meant I had to leave the party for others and find relationship in smaller groups.  It by no means meant that I was isolated.  I had friends surrounding me, but being intentional in these instances means being self-aware or surrounding yourself with a support system that tells you when it's time to stop and regroup.

Intentional means saying no to the fear of isolation and recognizing that sometimes its ok to leave the party to other people for the day.