We live in an old home. According to the best records we can find it was built around 1875. There is something interesting about living in an older home. If you let it, you learn about the value of investing intentionally.
In the time we have lived here, my husband and I have both made the observation that the construction is vastly different from the houses built today. The walls in the original portion of our home are about 2-3 bricks deep and covered with plaster, that's the interior walls. The house could literally burn down and we would just need to replace flooring, plaster and paint. This house is probably one of the tiniest of the historic homes on our street. What it might lack in size, however, it more than makes up for in sturdiness. Whoever built this house 140+ years ago, built it to last. They invested in good materials that have stood the test of time. They invested in a style that has curb appeal and it unique. There isn't another house in town quite like it.
We actually have come to love our little home with all of its quirks and oddities. It has become a metaphor for our lives. In its own way it is a work of art. It takes an expert to address any portion of the issues in our home because of it's age and our desire to honor what it has been while adapting it for our family of four. My husband searched for months interviewing and researching just the right person to address the tuck pointing that the exterior brick required. You see finding someone who understood the nature of the age of our brick was incredibly important if we wanted to maintain the integrity of the craftsmanship that created our home.
Therein, lies the metaphor.
Understanding...
This week I have found myself reflecting a lot on where I have been and where I am headed. Not just once, but twice this week I have found myself sharing with friends the exact area that I genuinely believe God is calling me to ultimately do ministry. I am more sure of this than I have ever been anything in my life. But the reality is I am worshipping with a community that is 30 minutes away from where I am called. So what does it mean?
The comparison of David living with the Philistines after he was anointed king, but was exiled due to Saul's choices and actions comes to mind.... But the tribe I am with right now is anything but the Philistines. In fact they are reminding me of something I desperately need to hear right now. It's ok to be the beautiful, broken mess that I so often feel like. God uses that. I am learning what it looks like to love deeply. What it looks like to partner with the community around you. I am learning. It makes me think... The Philistines were one of the most powerful nations of David's time. Despite the fact they did not worship Israel's God, they had to have some impressive leadership structure. Was that God's reason for allowing David's exile? To learn leadership principles and structure from the best of his time? Maybe it was learning to live in peace with those he didn't completely agree or feel comfortable around (after all, David was the one a few years earlier who had taken out the best and brightest warrior). I am definitely learning that! I am thrilled to be raising my daughters in a culture that makes me question and challenge my preconceived ideas every week!
I also find myself reflecting on some of the painful moments that led to this place in my life. I think one of the most potent memories I find myself reliving this week is the moment I began to recognize the truth behind the facade I was trying to embrace. Anytime you remove x from an equation and insert y you change the result. When you add not only y, but also z you exponentially alter the results you were attempting with x in the equation. In fact you create an entirely different equation. It creates an equation that no longer welcomes the x's of the world. But it is no longer the same equation either. You have now changed what you are pursing. Of course it becomes very confusing for those that think the equation is suppose to be the same. I think that is where I fall.... I didn't understand the new equation. I thought I was coming back to a bigger better equation built on the first one. But it was not the same equation. My x no longer had a place.
I have struggled with understanding why my relationships with friends have changed. I have cried when those I use to be so close to, no longer have space for me in their lives. When I look at the new math equation though, I understand it is not so different from my experience of church during my high school years. While we want to believe that things are different as an adult, those experiences are often preparing us for what it coming. We cannot get along with everyone. It is the reality of our broken world. However, there are those relationships that when we choose to pursue them, they break deep friendships that we might have taken for granted. Friendship that made us think nothing could happen to them because they were grounded and the other person "understood" us.
Understanding....
What does it really mean to understand?
For me right now it means learning to move on with life when my x is no longer needed in someone's equation. Actually, this one is familiar... I know how to do this. It hurts and it's painful, but it is not the unknown.
It also means, that my x has been moved to an equation that I can learn my value. The value of x is always unknown until you start to work it into the equation the way it was meant to be.
Understanding means that by seeing how I fit into the equation of the tribe I am in right now, I know the value that my x brings to the next equation to which I move.
Just like our house needed someone who understood the quirks of it's construction and materials, my x needs to be around those who will help me understand its value and what it contributes to the equations.
Understanding....
In my case it means to be with a tribe, to develop friendships that help me discover the value of my x....
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