Masks

Have you ever noticed how much people like to wear masks?  We never want to really let others see us for who we really are, so often even when we profess to want genuine and authentic relationships we bring our faithful masks along.  Of course we make sure they are the really cool ones.  The ones that are nearly indistinguishable from us because they contain key pieces of our emotional and spiritual DNA.  They are thin enough that most of the time we convince even ourselves that they are really us, but like any really good mask they hide who we are from everyone around us and sometimes they are even so successful they hide us from ourselves.  For however long we wear them we can convince ourselves that we really aren't as lonely, sad, depressed or isolated as we truly have become.

Masks become a way of life with most of us.  They are what we hide behind when people hurt us or disappoint us.  In fact the more people disappoint us and fail to respond to any gestures of genuine relationship we perfect our mask just a little bit more.  Protecting ourselves from hurt and rejection we secretly vow inside to never let anyone that close again.  

Tonight, I'm finding myself conflicted.  One part of me wants to continue to hide behind the mask, while the other part values the honest, but rather ugly truth.  The honest truth is 2014 hasn't been a very fun year for me.  I've felt rejected and abandoned on several fronts.  It feels like I've lived most of this year much more dependent on a long-suffering (and very awesome) husband than I would have liked with very few friends.  I think circumstances made it even worse since I started feeling the need to live behind masks again.  Never able to be myself with those around me.  Being me wasn't ok anymore.  I'd been genuine and open and the hurt that came along afterward wasn't worth it.  I wasn't ok, but it felt like everyone around me was wanting me to be ok.  They wanted a Tonya that wasn't hurt and crushed, but that's where I was so I pulled out my mask.

One of the bright spots in 2014 for me has been the introduction of a new counselor into my life.  God blessed me so much when he sent D into my life!  With her help and experience I'm learning that it's ok to not be ok with the way things are in my life right now.  I'm also learning to value the very small group of people that it's ok to just be Tonya with.  The small group of people that I can just take off the mask of politeness and say I'm not ok today.  The people who can talk me down when a panic attack starts.  

I'm finding that I'm happiest when I can stop the masquerade that is life outside of this support system because the truth is that I'm not made to live my life behind a mask.  God made me to reflect His glory and that glory has the ability to shine the brightest in my darkest moments.  In my darkest moments I've discovered that I can't hide behind the mask of false happiness anymore.  I've lost that mask somewhere in the last few months.  So I walk out of moments that make me double over in sorrow and loss and I go find a corner in which to mourn the loss of that piece of my life.  I've stopped trying to hold it together as much.  I've also noticed though that when you lose the mask it makes people uncomfortable.  They want to fix something that isn't in their ability to "fix".  My reality is I'm in a season of great loss and grieving, I'll make it through.  God promises in Psalms 23 that even when I walk through the death of a dream He's with me.  He doesn't make me go there alone.  Yes, He's with me, but he's also surrounded me with my tiny fellowship of friends who's strengths support my weaknesses.

So my truth and reality is I'm not ok right now, but I'm ok with that.  Every time that God adds another member to my fellowship of friends, He adds another piece to the puzzle that allows me to lose another mask.  And the adventure in that is my friends come from the most unlikely places!!