I find myself contemplating the much overlooked beauty of brokenness today. I suppose that could be because today I feel exceptionally broken and God's needed to show me how that speaks to him.
You see tomorrow I enter the 30th week of my pregnancy. A pregnancy which honestly has been extremely difficult both physically and emotionally. Life change is never easy, but when pregnancy, job change and a move to a house in much need of TLC come all at the same time it brings an entirely new meaning to the word overwhelmed. Add to that the unexpected limitations that pregnancy brought to my life-style physically (making it to work each day I'm scheduled is the equivalent of making it to the top of Mount Everest!) and what should have been a time of great celebration and joy becomes more like surviving the Amazon armed with nothing, but a pocket knife. That's caused a lot of frustration for me since I truly am excited about and look forward to meeting our Little Miss Muffet, but the struggle to survive and get things ready while not being able to handle the day to day routine of keeping a house in order and making supper often takes precedence over the excitement that I'd love so much to live in for even a few days. As I see other expectant mom's able to continue their lives with full time job demands and still take care of the children they already have it makes me feel less than adaquate most days. Every so often the thought crosses my mind that I can't judge my behind the scenes bloopers by the highlight reel of their life that I see, but the truth is in my brokenness I'm often guilty of doing just that. I see all of the pieces of me that aren't good enough and don't measure up.
"The pieces of me" it's really an interesting choice of words since at the first of the year when challenged to choose a word for the year God kept bringing me back to the word "Pieces". Everyone around me is picking words like give, strength, fight... Words of action or substance and I kept coming back to the word "pieces". I didn't understand it completely, but I went with it. It wasn't long after my word choice that we discovered we were expecting, pregnancy soon exposed the need for some job changes where my second job was concerned as stress brought on blood pressure issues and hormone changes soon meant that pushing through the difficulties became nearly impossible emotionally. So again I start to see the pieces of me that don't measure up to other people's expectations. The pieces that make up me that aren't ok with other people as they start to come to light.
You see tomorrow I enter the 30th week of my pregnancy. A pregnancy which honestly has been extremely difficult both physically and emotionally. Life change is never easy, but when pregnancy, job change and a move to a house in much need of TLC come all at the same time it brings an entirely new meaning to the word overwhelmed. Add to that the unexpected limitations that pregnancy brought to my life-style physically (making it to work each day I'm scheduled is the equivalent of making it to the top of Mount Everest!) and what should have been a time of great celebration and joy becomes more like surviving the Amazon armed with nothing, but a pocket knife. That's caused a lot of frustration for me since I truly am excited about and look forward to meeting our Little Miss Muffet, but the struggle to survive and get things ready while not being able to handle the day to day routine of keeping a house in order and making supper often takes precedence over the excitement that I'd love so much to live in for even a few days. As I see other expectant mom's able to continue their lives with full time job demands and still take care of the children they already have it makes me feel less than adaquate most days. Every so often the thought crosses my mind that I can't judge my behind the scenes bloopers by the highlight reel of their life that I see, but the truth is in my brokenness I'm often guilty of doing just that. I see all of the pieces of me that aren't good enough and don't measure up.
"The pieces of me" it's really an interesting choice of words since at the first of the year when challenged to choose a word for the year God kept bringing me back to the word "Pieces". Everyone around me is picking words like give, strength, fight... Words of action or substance and I kept coming back to the word "pieces". I didn't understand it completely, but I went with it. It wasn't long after my word choice that we discovered we were expecting, pregnancy soon exposed the need for some job changes where my second job was concerned as stress brought on blood pressure issues and hormone changes soon meant that pushing through the difficulties became nearly impossible emotionally. So again I start to see the pieces of me that don't measure up to other people's expectations. The pieces that make up me that aren't ok with other people as they start to come to light.
It's interesting when you start a blog post only to come back to it 3 weeks later... As I write now I sit in a hospital bed waiting to see if our Little Miss Muffet is going to be joining us several weeks earlier than planned. Waiting.... It's become another of my pieces. It seems to be one that God feels I need right now. It's interesting though as I find myself chatting with the nurses taking care of me sometimes baby chat other times lapsing back into the chatter that was a natural part of my life in my 10 years of nursing I find that God seems to be using this time in a hospital room to give me what my favorite author, Bonnie Grey , refers to as spiritual whitespace. He's taking this time in my life to slow me down, take away the responsibilities that feel so overwhelming at home and He's showing me how some of those pieces fit. He's reminding me what it's like to be able to share my story with someone else while at the same time reminding me to stop and listen and rejoice in their story as well. To hear the similarities, but recognize the differences in our stories that have intersected for this moment in time. Considering that when faced with the idea of a hospital stay earlier in pregnancy I fought it and argued against it, I find that right now it's exactly where I need to be. It's given God the perfect opportunity to show me the beauty that is the brokenness I've felt for so many months. A chance for him to remind me where I have been, but at the same time to reinforce where He's leading me.
So right now in the moment while the pieces of my beautifully broken life have me resting in a hospital bed I find myself enjoying the whitespace moments God is sending me. Moments where Dustin and I can just rest and listen to our Little Miss Muffett's heartbeat, moments like now where her little heart tones become the white noise I go to sleep by, time spent with my own mom learning to listen to the stories and experiences I haven't always listened to well, but thankful for the time hear them again and learn what might apply to my forthcoming adventures as mommy to my Muffet. Brokenness, pieces of me and whitespace... The one thing they share in common? The beauty of a picture that God wants to create in each of us.
1 comment:
Great post Tonya! Praying for you and little Miss Muffet! God's working in your life and He will put those broken pieces back together. Enjoy the quiet and whitespace, as your life will not be filled with that for long. :)
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