My Present Story

When you allow other people to determine your best choices; when you allow yourself to be carried along by what other people think your life should be, could be, must be; when you hand them the pen and tell them to write your story, you don't get the pen back.  Not easily anyway. 

~ Shauna Niequist, Present Over Perfect

My oldest daughter turned two this last weekend.  After a crazy weekend, dedicated to an extroverted toddler, who loves her peoples, I find myself with time to reflect on a quiet Monday morning.  I am quite sure that every year when Myka's birthday comes around, I will find cause to pause and reflect on the changes in my life.  You see, finding out I was expecting Myka was life changing for me.  It became the moment in time when I came face to face with the insanity that I had chosen to acquiesce to in my life.  

I had let others demand more and more of me.  I had let others take over the pen that was writing my story, telling me that they heard God differently than I did, so the implication became, I heard God incorrectly.  The blessing that comes with pregnancy for me is the inability of my body to handle the stress I attempt to put it through on an everyday basis.  Myka symbolizes a moment when God disconnected me from the unhealthy that was surrounding me, the voices that would have lead me away from the direction he was moving me.  In pregnancy my capacity is diminished so significantly that I lose the ability to force myself to sacrifice my emotional, spiritual and physical health for the version of me others want.  In reality, both of my girls are blessings.  With Myka, I recognized the danger in letting someone attempt to custom create a job you were never intended to fill.  With Eden, I discovered the joy in being in the right place and having your need to say "no, I need some space" accepted, even honored.  

Myka symbolizes for me a moment when I took back the pen of my life and began to write my own story again.  I began to pursue the vision of the story God had given me.  Myka served as a catalyst to make me chose to make the difficult move to reclaim the pen that was steering the direction of my life.  As a result, I said no to what was ultimately a glorified office assistant position.  By saying no and walking away, God moved me to a place much better suited for me.  I now serve in a position that enables me to live out the vision I had of developing and investing in leaders and volunteers.  By saying no, I freed up the capacity in my life to pursue the formal education that will better prepare me to lead.  

When we allow others to write our story, it reflects a combination of what they believe should be our story and themselves.  It will never be truly ours.  It becomes a broken up compilation of short stories as the pen continues to change hands.  When we take back the pen and begin to write our story with God's guidance.  It becomes a story that flows seamlessly through the fabric of our lives.  Rather than the random broken pattern of a patchwork quilt, our lives become like a piece of carefully crafted and painstakingly woven expensive silk.  Beautiful and valuable because its flaws are woven into one solid piece.  

I was reminded yesterday, that our lives are not intended to be separate boxes and compartments.  Our life is intended to flow from one space to another unbroken.  When we allow God to drive our story, our passions move from our work life to home life to the spiritual in much the way the Mississippi river flows through it's varied landscapes.  Our story is consistent and unbroken.  It's strength coming from the way it flows consistently from one area to another, connected in its movement.  

Being present demands that we wield the pen that writes our story.  When we give it to others it creates a brokenness to our life as we are pulled in various directions.  When we take back our pen and write the story God is showing us, we create a seamless and beautiful story that reflects His glory.

The Soundtrack of Life

Listen to a soundtrack.  Have you ever noticed particularly in the really amazing movies there is an ebb and flow to the accompanying music?  There are moments it is peaceful.  A rhythm that indicates a rest or moment of peace for the characters.  At other moments it is intense and powerful, moving through action scenes and tense, emotional moments.   Now think about life.....  Is it not very similar in its ebb and flow?  

When I think about my life there were dramatic moments... Moments like the time I experienced extreme verbal confrontation by what amounted to nearly an entire church.  It was the first step on a path that led me to choose a different way of life.  There was the moment when I went into a meeting with a boss thinking I would find support in a decision, only to be told I was being replaced rather than supported.  

There were moments that I will never forget, like meeting the guy I would marry, to realize from the first minute that this was someone worth waiting on.  The moment I knew without a doubt I was suppose to hand in my resignation in nursing because God had another path that was not suppose to wait.  

There are moments like my first pregnancy, which was extremely isolating and lonely.  A moment when I felt extremely invisible and unnoticed.  The moments like this create the more melancholy pieces of my soundtrack.  These are the moments I found myself desperately asking God where he was?  If the church is suppose to be a reflection of his image, than why did I feel so forgotten?  Had he forgotten I existed, also?  

When I think back, even though I have some answers now, I find it ironic that during the events where are suppose to bring you the most joy and happiness, I have experienced the minor chord events of my soundtrack in tandem with them.  

Ultimately, I am realizing that the soundtrack of my life ebbs and flows as needed.  Sometimes I needed to experience the minor chords at that moment because it made the swell and rise of the happiness that followed so much stronger and dramatic!

The birth of my first little girl was painful in that it was cloaked in isolation and feelings of being forgotten  She is a tremendous joy to our lives though.  She teaches me every day to view myself differently.  When she runs into the room and flings her arms open and in her muddled two year old vocabulary declares everything she sees is "beautiful", I'm reminded the deepest joy accompanies the deepest sorrow if we let it.

While life was never the same after what I experienced as she came into the world, it prepared me to experience a different piece of my soundtrack when her sister was born earlier this year.  That soundtrack is one that made me feel valued even though as my second pregnancy progressed, my capacity decreased temporarily.  This part of my soundtrack is one that allowed me to experience different movement.  It was a time of support and excitement.  Shared baby stories and support when my answers needed to be "no" for a season.  When I tried to blame myself for my lack of capacity, my soundtrack was filled with people, who pointed out value where I could not see it.

I have noticed that my soundtrack is becoming more peaceful, less dramatic at this time in my life.  Oh, there are some "dramatic" peaks occasionally.  You cannot always keeps other people's circuses out of your life, but when we let them, the extreme moments we experience have a lesson to teach us.  A lesson that can give us the opportunity to look for God in the unlikely places.

Reflecting on my soundtrack, has me recognizing that God can be there in the word "no".  That simple two letter word can create margin and rest in life.  It better prepares me for the moments that are more intense.  It puts me in a better place to find God when I feel like he has forgotten me.  It creates a rest, silence, space to hear the still small voice that is nearly indiscernible in the crescendo moments.

Sometimes God thunders from the mountain.  Sometimes he answers with fire.  Other times he is found only in the still small voice.  Still others he is in a lonely Garden, when others fail to keep watch with you.  Our soundtrack is a varied experience.  It contains the high movement, the loud moments and the rests because we need all of these.  All of these expressions serve to connect us to God in important ways and in that create our own personal unique soundtrack of life.

Lessons in Friendship

Today life seems to have found a little bit of normalcy... 

It's not perfect, but I have a clean organized kitchen so that counts for something right?  

I mean, I'm still dealing with the circus... That's annoying... I don't even like circuses!  I have never had the slightest urge to see the ringmaster, elephants or clowns (clowns really creep me out!).  Yet the ringmaster, elephants and clowns continue to intrude on my peaceful little world.  I keep telling myself they'll take their circus to another town at some point so there's hope...

But enough about the circus... Well, almost enough.  One of the things I am learning is that when those elephants rampage through your life... Sometimes you find yourself hiding under the seat with someone who proves they are one of those exceptional friends.  In a season of life when those relationships feel particularly dry, I find that when I discover those people hiding under the seats next to me I value them.  When life changes and you have that moment that C.S. Lewis so adequately describes...  

An acquaintance turns to friend the moment you realize this is someone you can text or call at any moment of the day and they will be there (ok, unless its 3 am and they finally got the screaming toddler back to sleep...).  They are someone you find yourself in the trenches of life with when you share the same crazy seasons of life.  

Recently, I've been reading books by Jennifer Dukes Lee, Jen Hatmaker and Shauna Niequest.  As I read about their personal tribes of friends I have found myself longing for that same type of friendship.  A tribe that genuinely felt like mine.  In my current season of life, I'm meeting new people, but relationship happen at a slow simmer for me, much like a really good homemade spaghetti sauce.  Friendships simmer for days, weeks, months and even years and I mourn their loss agonizingly when they change.  

As I read the stories of these women and their encouraging, strong friendships with their tribes, I suddenly realized that in that moment my tribe is small, but it is there.  I have those people it excites to hear from.  Some live states away, others on the other side of the city, but they are there.  Sometimes it just takes the rampaging elephants to see the friends and the family that fill those important roles of your tribe. 

So in the meantime what else am I learning?  

I'm learning to ditch the condiment bottles when the company comes... Serve the condiments in style because as one of my tribe says... It's the little things that elevate to make the ordinary special.  

I'm learning to take the moments and clap with your toddler as hard as you can to make the Little Einstein's rocket "Blast Off" (which you scream very loudly).  Because guess what?  She's the part of my tribe that shows me how to have fun with abandon.

I'm learning that decluttering and intentional living are only tasks when you do them yourself, but when you continue to learn to perfect them with one of your tribe you inspire each other to new levels.

I'm relearning the need to invest in whitespace and to stop and breath.

I'm learning to live 

Present Over Perfect.

Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys.... Until It Is...

It's slightly annoying when other people's monkeys become your circus.... It's incredibly irritating when they turn their elephants loose on the crowd that you are in!

~Tonya Schrougham

This last week has been incredibly crazy!  Just when life felt like we were finding a normal, we get hit with a cost increase in a budget area that was not scheduled to change until the beginning of next year.  While one part of me is really happy with my initial reaction to this particular surprise with an insanely short window for adjustment and decision making (I had my worse case scenario plan together within 15 minutes of being informed of this change), I do find myself drifting into the world of worry on occasion.  I do not make decisions lightly so having the pressure to need to readjust with no warning whatsoever and less than two weeks before the cost increase hits is not exactly something I like.  

One thing I am learning during this season in life is that while I LOVE the popular meme that makes the rounds on Facebook and Pinterest:

I am beginning to notice that some people turn their elephants loose on me while I'm admiring the insanity of their monkeys....  Then comes the moment of truth.... Do I stay in their circus or is it time to exit the vicinity completely?  It seems like it should be such an easy choice!  After all... Who in their right mind stays in the path of the stampeding elephants?!  

But what happens when the elephants do not look like elephants?  What happens when the other people in the path of the stampeding elephants are relationships you value?  Relationships that have meant something to you in moments of growth?  Then the decision to leave or stay even in the stampede of insanity that only sees the scary little mouse that is actually a mere blip on the radar of life.  All of the sudden a challenge becomes the thing that throws everyone's world out of balance.  And so the elephants stampede...  Reaction to the perceived threat begins a chain reaction of choices that have impact beyond the immediate apparent "solutions" they offer.  

This particular change has me frustrated at times, mad at other times and at other moments excited at the possibilities.  I become frustrated that a short time frame has been forced on me (I'm determined not to pour money down that particular drain when the end result is the same in the long run). I become mad in other moments when all I see is yet another broken promise and the impact that has yet again on my life when I thought I had distanced myself enough from this particular person.  In the end, however, I keep coming back to the excitement at the possibilities.  

You see, I like familiarity.  I like what is comfortable.  But deep down inside I know that comfort and familiarity are not the things that make me grow.  I grow when I step outside that comfort zone and embrace the unknown.  In the end I realize that this change and decision is not much different than our decision this year to begin recycling.  The choice to recycle led to a decrease in our garbage to the extent we just in the past couple of weeks dropped our trash service opting to transport our trash ourselves as it saves us money.  As we have been looking at cutting expenses in our budget over the past couple of months we have addressed and looked at nearly every area except the area that we are now being forced to address.  With that comes a certain excitement at the possibilities... my truth... this particular change contains the potential to declutter my life emotionally as it allows me to move more fully past a painful piece of my story.  It allows me to make decisions from a less emotional place and genuinely assess what works and what does not work for our family both financially and emotionally.  In embracing the freedom of choice that comes with this change I allow myself the ability to exit the circus and leave the monkeys and elephants behind for someone else to deal with!  Will that be our family's choice?  Maybe, maybe not, but what I now have is a freedom to choose.  

And reassessing the impact of other peoples monkeys and elephants in my life is something I am discovering I need to do more often!  

In the end it really is a form of exhaling....  

Yep, that would be why these monkeys and elephants found me... 

The need for 

Exhale.

Room to Breathe

Last week my classes started again.  Can I share I was more than a little nervous?  Since I had taken a brief break from my classes I was starting up with new classmates, a new professor and I had not written a paper in two months.  Now one thing that my return to college classes has highlighted to me is the fact that where I, myself am concerned, I am a bit of a perfectionist.  I have incredibly high standards for what I expect from myself.  

Right now I am not working.  My focus is on my classes and my position as Volunteer Director at our church (ok, so I'm kind of working for no pay, but it's great leadership experience!).  Of course, one thing I learned as I prepared to go back to school is that having a toddler, a 2 month old, maintaining a household, the church position and resuming classwork is a major juggling act.  And then there are my insanely high standards.  Can I confess that in the 2-3 weeks leading up to that return to school, those standards were not just driving my husband crazy, but they were driving me up the wall?!  

Somehow in the middle of the craziness and nerves, I found the strength to give myself grace.  Have you ever thought about how much strength it can take to practice grace?  For me in this instance it's Herculean! The truth is though once I stopped and was ok that the house was not going to look perfect for a few days, I had the margin to plan.  Planning for me is essential if I am going to accomplish anything and lets just say the pile of things on my plate that screamed for my attention is more than just one.  So in the middle of the craziness one week before school was scheduled to start I stopped.  I stopped everything for two days and just planned.  I took an inventory of the pantry, freezer and refrigerator and stopped to plan meals out through the end of July.  I sat down and thought of all the house work that needed to be done throughout the week and made a cleaning schedule.  I stopped and thought about a few things that I could do every single day that would help keep me from feeling like the house was overwhelming me and I wrote those items out to do daily.  I quit thinking about all of the productive things to do and asked myself what would give me joy and fill me up if I started doing it each day.  I then added that to my cleaning schedule as a daily ritual.  

At the end of those two days, I started working on making those things into a habit.  Now there are varying pieces of research that tell you how long you have to do something before it can truly be considered a habit, but to my mind, I did all of these things today on a Saturday morning without even thinking about it or questioning it, so I'm calling it a bona fide habit at this point!  The thing I noticed after realizing that yesterday I had a ton of margin in my day and had a Friday that could just be for me and things I enjoyed and today after realizing that our Saturday is running so smoothly we are all enjoying it that stopping was the best thing I could do for my family.

In stopping it allowed a reset.  It allowed me to intentionally create margin and space to breathe in the daily, weekly life of our family.  The difference it has made is amazing!  And the crazy thing is it doesn't mean we are not staying busy.  This week had Dustin away on a day trip for work.  My week consisted of the following:

Monday - Doctor's Appointment for Eden + Paper for School due

Tuesday - Dogs to the Groomer + Dustin home late due to furniture pick up (he found a sweet deal on a nice vintage coffee table that gives me a ton of space to use when folding clothes)

Wednesday - Appointment for Me + Dustin late due to work and picking up the rental car for his trip on Thursday

Thursday - Dustin out of Town + Meeting with our pastor in Greenwood for me + 2 posts due for school

Friday - Me out of Town for a meeting and girl time with my Mom

Through all of this while the cleaning schedule flexed where needed, I made it to Friday with everything completed!  This week felt like a solid win.  It occurred to me today though as I reflected on our week and as Dustin and I discussed some financial goals we have for the month of August that if we want to win with money we budget.  We save and calculate.  We assess our debts and (if you are a good Dave Ramsey student) make a plan to get rid of them as quickly as possible.  Why do we think our time is different?  Why do we think that we can wring a few extra minutes out of our day if we push hard enough?  If most of us budgeted our finances like we do our time we would find ourselves checking every vending machine we pass for change to pay the mortgage or rent!  The thing I learned the last couple of weeks is this:  

We all have the same 24 hours.  Just like our money if we choose not to budget it and just give it away to whatever cause knocks on our door that day, we get to the end of the day with a deficit of hours.  This means that the things we needed to do today have now become shifted to tomorrow.  The more that shift happens, the more we feel the stress that continual shift creates.  Ultimately, the only way to break the cycle is to STOP.  Sit down and figure out what is important for you.  Find time to invest in things that give to you rather than putting them off because of the continual shift you have created.  Despite what we think the world really can function without us for a brief period while we stop and take a breath.  If we fail to plan, we are planning to fail.  This is true with money, but also with our time.  

So 

STOP

Take time to 

BREATHE

and 

PLAN 

You really won't regret it.

The Exhale in Simplicity

"As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness."
-Henry David Thoreau

I have found myself reflecting on various relationships that have drastically changed over the couple of years.  I find myself mourning what once was.  I have struggled to understand why friendships I thought had substance and would stand the test of time have altered as to become unrecognizable.

I am a thinker.
I want to understand.
I am an introvert.
I mourn the loss of that deep relationship greatly.
I wonder how life is suppose to look when it changes so drastically.


Today, I had a realization.  Some relationships are forged from our circumstances.  Some of my fondest memories have been formed when money was not in abundance and creativity was required.  I find I miss the relationships that developed in that forced simplicity.

As I think about it, I believe that in times where we do not have the money or capacity to live in material abundance we are given a gift.  A gift which we often fail to recognize when we have it.  We long for the day we have more.  We convince ourselves we will use the more for good.  To better the lives of those around us, but so often if we are not careful the more ends up controlling us.  It allows us to assume more debt which demands repayment and interest.  It allows us to add more and more to our calendars which adds stress to our lives as we run from one commitment to another.


When we are in the moment of not having as much as we would like, we often refer to it as hard.  The reality that I'm discovering is that to choose simplicity is hard.  Simplicity does not come easily.  It requires intentionally saying no when you want so badly to say yes.  It requires looking at simplicity systemically.

For simplicity to be truly effective it must permeate our lives.  It means clearing our houses of clutter.  Getting rid of what we no longer use or does not bring us joy.  It involves an overhaul of our schedules and a focus on our core values as individuals and families.  It means clearing our emotional baggage so that we can engage with others from a place of health.

Often we look to the Amish or a previous era for our definition of simplicity.  While there are things to glean from others, we ourselves must create simplicity on our own.

It seems appropriate that as I think of this my word for 2016 comes to mind....
Exhale

To engage in genuine simplicity, the exhale becomes essential.  For myself, I have to let go of those relationships that have changed.   To recognize that they no longer help me move toward the life God is leading me toward.  In exhaling, I then have the capacity to inhale and move into the relationships that are at a similar place in life.  To engage with those who are searching for simplicity themselves.

My truth, this move to simplicity is extremely difficult.  It means asking myself the hard questions and being willing to hear truth from those I trust to help me grow.  Simplicity means following God where it is not comfortable sometimes because I want to make the easy choice.  It means saying to to things that seem good for the things that are better.  And sometimes it means stopping CPR on the life I am not meant to live and embracing the life I am intended for.

The Happiness in the Exhale

For the first time in months I feel like I finally have the opportunity to breathe!  Our life has been a whirlwind of the final weeks of pregnancy, the birth of our second daughter and helping a toddler adjust to life with a sister.  The truth.... It's felt a little overwhelming!  

I find as a mommy it is amazing the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to live up to others expectations.  We allow the voices and input of others to determine what makes us a "good" parent.  Our babies should be fed a certain way and if they are not particularly as mothers we experience the infamous "mommy guilt".  It is funny, but I did not experience a lot of that with my first child.  However , it hit me full force with my new little one.  

Here I was a second time mommy to a newborn with preemie experience under my belt and I spent 2 weeks second guessing everything I did.  Fortunately, I have an extremely supportive and aware husband!  After nearly 3 weeks of being part of a Facebook group that was suppose to offer support, he helped me recognize that I was not exactly experiencing support as much as I was feeling trapped by others opinions and choices.  Somehow, all of the progress I have made over the past several years in counseling flew out the window temporarily in the face of this group of women I didn't even know!  I never even posted the first question or comment in this group, but somehow I was letting these people dictate my life.  

And then I was reminded of my word for 2016....

Exhale

Just breathe.... Let it go....

In that moment when that amazing husband I have reminded me that this was our child and we genuinely knew what was best for our family, I found that I could refocus.  I could let go of the expectations that pressured me from this group and I could recognize that it was not in the best interest of our family for me to continue pursuing this ideal that I was not capable of achieving...

I've spent a lot of my life "doing"...

At some point I believed the lie that if I could do and was productive I had worth.

My truth....

I was not made to thrive on doing.

I was created in a way that thrives on relationship.  I would rather spend time one on one sharing life than to run crazy doing activities.  I enjoy and am encouraged by deep and meaningful conversation.  Small talk sucks the life out of me and leaves me exhausted.

The last few weeks have reminded me that when I focus on others expectations or perceived expectations of me I am miserable.  I am not in my sweet spot and I live my life exhausted.  

Since (with my husband's encouragement) I have been letting go of those expectations, I have found myself becoming more energized and in a better place to take on life. I have the capacity to do things I have not done in months.  I am taking advantage of my break from my classes to take part in not one, but two book clubs!  (I have missed reading just a bit)  I am taking time to enjoy my two little girls.  I have the capacity to make cookies with my toddler and watch a movie with my husband.  

I am taking time to breath and in doing that I am able to exhale and let go of those things that drag me down.  In doing that I have the space to embrace more things that bring me joy and energize me.