Intentional Updates

In my last post I shared about some things that I've been doing to be more intentional.  I thought in this post I would share an update on how some of those things are going.

The first is my Bullet Journal.  At this point we are three weeks in to February and I am finding my Bullet Journal invaluable.  I had some things that I wanted to keep track of as a way of creating better habits in my life.  

Some of the goals I had were:

• Drink more Water
• Read more Intentionally (outside of school)
• Listen to Podcast 1-2 times a week
• Intentional Whitespace
• Naps (yes, I often adult way too much and my body has started to let me know that)
• Eat more Salads

Water

I gave it some thought to how I would count things a success and how I would mark off my daily progress.  I found an awesome app for my phone called Waterlogged.  It's been a great way for me to track how close I come to my daily goal of 64 oz of water.  

I had a really bad habit of clicking on my Facebook app when I am bored or waiting.  As I decided to be more intentional one of the things I did was rearrange my phone apps.  In the place of the Facebook app where my finger would automatically go, I placed my Waterlogged app.  Now I think a lot about how I'm doing on my goal of water intake.  At the end of the day if I am within a few ounces of my goal I check it off as a successful day in my Habit Tracker in my Bullet Journal.  So far I have met my goal nearly every day and I'm feel much better for it!  My default is now water much more often than tea or soda.

Reading

The reading is a bit more challenging.  Some days I find myself struggling to get through my school work so when you add on caring for a toddler, who is potty training, and an 8 month old it can be trickier.  Since I draw the line at counting the ten times I read "Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Go Now" in one night, this one is progressing slightly slower, but I have successfully finished 3 books in the last couple of weeks.  

Hollow City

Library of Souls

(Both from Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Children)

and

Breathing Underwater 

by Richard Rohr

Most of these I started in January, but I finished them up this month.

Podcast

  

At the first of this month I decided to make Podcast part of my monthly Habit Tracker.

I've wanted to listen to podcast for quite a while, but always struggled with how to make that happen. Enter the realization that I can plug my phone in to the USB port in my car and let the podcast play as I am driving.  Not a surprise that I can let it play, but hey, in our family we often just plug in the phone to see how many times the toddler wants to here "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" from Phineas and Ferb.

Finally!  An adult use for the USB!

Whitespace

This was really important for me after coming back from my personal retreat.  I knew coming back I needed to take care of myself better.  Taking care of myself means that I am a much better Mommy and Wife to those who live with me every day!  I am less cranky.  I can do more around the house.  Overall, I'm just a better person!

I have definitely developed a better pattern so far this month.  

I have always enjoyed wandering through our city's art museum so I took some time after an appointment last week just to wander around the IMA (Indianapolis Museum of Art).  

Another day I visited a local nature preserve and just sat on the lake for a short period (it was crazy cold that day!).

Another day I just watched movies I enjoy because I enjoy them at home.

Whitespace looks different for everyone, but it is a way to invest in your relationship with God by doing things that bring you joy.

Naps

I know this one sounds a little crazy and lazy, but one thing I have realized is that in the time since Eden was born I have pushed myself entirely too hard.  My body was screaming for rest long before  I gave it the rest it needed.  So I decided to start listening when my body says stop.  Now do not assume that because I am tracking it that I nap every day.  I don't!  I usually do take a few naps a week though just to care for my body.

Salads

This was just another goal I made to try to introduce more balance into my diet.  I thought that focusing on salads and water at the same time made sense as an easy first step for that.  

In addition to my habit tracker I have found the Daily Log a great resource in setting broad goals for myself each day.  It give me the flexibility to do it when I am able, but gives me some things that I can focus on for the day.  Some days I check everything off.  Other days things shift to the next day.

The second thing is we started our Finance Class last weekend.

It is a three week class so we still have two weeks to go, but it has been encouraging!  We realized there are a couple of things we need to work on ASAP, but we have the beginnings of a solid foundation to build on.  It's kind of nice to know those stupid mistakes from our 20's aren't going to haunt us the rest of our adult lives!  The great thing about the timing is that we are doing this right as our tax refund is coming.  We get to start being intentional with our tax return!  That's a good feeling.

So that's how our Intentional Life is going right now!  

Intentional Living

We are nearly a week into February and I am six weeks into my Intentional Year.

This year is especially exciting for me as my husband joined me in my word this year.  In previous years it has often felt like my word for the year trickled into our family over the course of the year, but this year is different. 

 We are doing this as a team!  

Now one thing you should know is my husband is my biggest cheerleader and my strongest support so when I choose a word for the year he supports it.  This year is so exciting though since he brings a whole different perspective to Intentional.

Not even 6 weeks into 2017, we have found some interesting ways to bring the concept of Intentional into our family life.

Some of those are....

• Bullet Journals
• Personal Retreat
• Date Nights/Days
• Budget 
• Finance Class
• Family Vacation

-Bullet Journals

I have always had good intentions in regards to using a planner.  Unfortunately, something always made those intentions fall through.  This year I had an amazing planner that I purchased last year.  I sooo wanted to start using it.  The down side was when I tried it caused my anxiety to flare up.  I would look at the ideal day I had mapped out and feel a sense of failure when the day didn't work out quite as planned.

Enter the Bullet Journal...

A Facebook group I am in introduced me to this idea.  The idea that I could combine all of the random notes I make with a schedule and a to-do list, was intriguing to me.  So I began to research...

While there are a variety of planners available, the thing I love about the bullet journal is that it can be whatever you need it to be.  Mine has the plans for birthday parties, to do lists, a habit tracker, my future log for the next 6 months and my daily log for the things I need or want to do each day, books I want to read and movies I want to see this year.  

For the initial introduction check out 

Bullet Journal - The Analog System for the Digital Age

There are other great ideas for finding the perfect set up for you on Pinterest and YouTube.

Using Bullet Journals is proving to be life changing for Dustin and I.  It has helped us move from a place of feeling like we are struggling to manage each day to being able to look at and prioritize what we need and want to get done on any given day.

-Personal Retreat

This one was hard for me at first.  It felt selfish to leave Dustin and the girls for a couple of days to go away by myself.  Dustin insisted it was something I needed though.  Since our daughter Eden was born 8 months ago I really have not stopped going.

So I made reservations and went away for 3 days and 2 nights to a retreat center near the church we attend.  When I walked through the door of my room there, I nearly cried.  It was like this massive weight of responsibility rolled off my shoulders.  For 3 days I had nothing to worry about except me. Someone else was cooking, cleaning and there were no diapers to change, bottles to fix or "hangry" screams from a 2 1/2 year old.  

In that time I was able to reconnect to God in a way that the craziness of life had prohibited in the previous days, weeks and months.  In those days I realized how right Dustin had been.  I needed to get away and talk to God so that I could come back and be a better mom and wife. 

If you have not tried a personal retreat yourself, you really should!  I came back from mine totally convinced I wanted to send Dustin in the next few months.  The busyness of life can make us lose connection with our God, who wants to have a deep and intimate relationship with us.  We think we are reading our required Bible verses, praying and assembling with other believers, but that is only part of connecting to God.  I found I had let the white noise of the world around me become just a little overwhelming and none of those things had the impact they have had since I came back.

Look for a local retreat center...  Some older Catholic schools have been converted for this purpose.  Two that I have been to and would recommend are:

Benedict Inn and Retreat Center

The Sisters of St Benedict - Ferdinand, Indiana

Really though, any place that gives you time with God will make a huge difference!  

-Date Nights/Days

One of the awesome things we started last year that ended up being some great prep work for htis particular topic, is a kid exchange.

We started trading kids once a month for a date night with another couple.  It's great for both of us since my oldest daughter adores the whole family and my youngest seems to have bonded with the husband of the couple! LOL

This actually does two things...

It gives the adults in the arrangement couple's time.

It lets the kids play and wear off some of that excess energy.

But it also puts some really awesome role models in my daughters lives outside of family.  

In addition to these date nights, we have grandmothers, cousins, aunts and uncles that love to spend time with our girls so we have begun to make date nights a regular investment for our marriage.

It can be easy to decide it's not worth the hassle to wrangle the kids or find a babysitter, but marriage deserves intentional investment.  You are not just investing in your spouse...  you are setting an example for your children on how to value their future husband or wife.

-Budget

From the moment we started planning our wedding and even before that Dustin and I have utilized a budget.  So the idea that we need a budget is not a question as much as how does a budget work best for us?

We love the Dave Ramsey principles and often reference them when we are making future plans.  One thing we realized early this year though is that we want to be more intentional with our money.  We want the way we spend our money to reflect our values.  

This one is still in the working stages to figure out how best to refine our budget and spending habits to fit our family, our values and not the least honor God with our resources.

Which leads to my next goal....

-Finance Class

Never believe that God does not think of what we need before we ask...

Our church, The Southeast Project, is currently doing a series on money/giving.

The thing I love about our pastor is he doesn't just give you the information, on a topic like money he typically manages to pair it with resources or opportunities to learn how to implement the things he is discussing in a practical, real world way.

This month that happens to be partnering with a church member, who is a financial coach and is willing to do Finance Classes.

Honestly, we had been waffling over whether we "had the time" to do them.  Then yesterday morning during service, God slapped us upside the head and yep... the beauty of technology... I signed up during service the moment God showed us we could not miss out on this opportunity. 

 (Side note: Technology can be what you make it, a distraction or a tool.  In this case it provided the opportunity for me to follow God's prompting in the moment without putting it off)

The last thing I mentioned is...

-Family Vacation

Travel and time spent as a family having fun is something we value in our family.  Because of that we decide that we need to start planning now for our family vacation to Hilton Head!  We had the opportunity for a cost effective vacation to a fun new location neither of us have visited.  We are soooo excited so we have decided to plan intentionally for that so we can enjoy ourselves without worrying.

Being Intentional about Fun is Important!!

Being Intentional we are discovering does not mean joyless responsible behavior.  It means planning so you can enjoy the fun times and knowing when buckling down and sacrificing is needed.  

Intentional Choices Lead to a Balanced Life!

My Word for 2017 - Intentional

2017 is nearly a week old and I am already finding my word for the year is challenging me.

For the past few years I have chosen a word or phrase.  

2014 was Pieces - my life felt like it falled apart.

2015 was Reckless Abandon - We started the year by leaving a church we cared deeply about and I ended the year by leaving my job due to my second pregnancy with no idea how we would manage as a one income family.

2016 was Exhale - I have felt deeply the loss of relationships I once thought were solid, experienced the loss of not one, but two of our pups and found that I needed to let go of much more than I realized

For 2017, I found myself wondering whether I wanted to go down this path of one word yet again, but God kept bringing the word Intentional to my attention.

Now I should probably mention that our family has spent the last 3 1/2 years working to be more intentional about many things.

Resources...

Finances...

Time...

Even our Trash...

Just last fall I invested in an amazing new planner to help me plan my year, month, week, day and even hour more effectively.  

Not even a full week into the year and I am already learning that intentional is not just about the planner.  

Starting the new year I determined I would begin to walk our dog several times a week.

I would implement a schedule for housework.

I would plan out the time that I would spend on church work, school work and personal time.

It looks great on paper.

Tuesday started out good!  I implemented my plan.  The dog took a walk, the housework was tackled, I was on a roll!

Wednesday went well, I got a good handle on some school work, housework was tackled and the dog had his walk.

Then Thursday hit.  

I'm not sure what felt off about Thursday, but I struggled.  It was hard to get off the couch and move.  I didn't want to leave the house and to be honest, the new LuLaRoe outfit I wanted to put on was the only thing that motivated me to get out of the house.  

I made my way to Starbucks to study and as I arrived I had a realization....

Intentional is not just a list of things to accomplish.  

Sometimes Intentional is looking at that To-Do List and recognizing that of all the things I need to accomplish today these two things are the most important and just getting them done is a win.

Intentional is evaluating every day what is important, what is urgent and what can move and flex.  

I am realizing that my Word for the Year can be something I try to force into my life...

Or it can be a focus Word that allows God to guide my steps through the year.

My word becomes a learning opportunity.

It becomes a way to really focus and listen to what God wants to speak into an area of my life.

Life Viewed Through the Cross

I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but somehow over the past few months one of my favorite spots to retreat to has become the garden that houses the Stations of the Cross at our local Catholic church.  I have lived in Mooresville for a few years now and have noticed it before, but one day this fall I decided to go there just to take a walk.  I really did not expect it to be any life changing experience, but it has proven to be just that.

I struggle with anxiety and even mild depression at times.  There are moments when the voices in my head are so loud they seem like actual people to me.  They tell me how I am to important.  I don't matter to people.  I'm forgettable.  I'm not good enough or perfect enough.  I haven't earned people's good favor.  It can get so easy to get lost in people's opinions through those voices.  When that happens it becomes easy to lose sight of what God says about me.  I get overwhelmed and then the anxiety and panic attacks start.

That's where the beauty of this little garden comes in.  One day when I was struggling, I found myself remembering this little space that I had passed by many times.  I decided to go visit.  I had no expectations expect to be by myself.  I found myself wandering through this space revisiting a story I was familiar with, but now asking questions I had never asked before.  Why were these pieces of Jesus story recorded for us?  What did they mean?  How did they impact him?  What were the implications of the various parts of his journey to the cross for us?

I grew up in church.....  I thought I should know these things, but what I'm finding after a few months of visiting this little garden that follows the journey to the cross is that his story is my story.  If Jesus came to earth just to "save" us from our sins, then why are we left here?  There has to be more.  So what does the story of the cross really teach us?  

I am finding as I keep returning to this little piece of land that the story of the cross teaches me so much about myself.  This series of weathered plaques gives me the opportunity to revisit any part of my own story and see it through the lens of the cross.  Sometimes that journey is one that focuses on the death of things.  I've cried as it has focused on loss.  The loss of relationships that once gave life and encouraged, but have now become toxic in their effect on my emotional and spiritual health.  Sometimes it sparks joy as I see how some things in my life have died so that other things can grow and flourish.  

Today I found myself reflecting on relationships.  There are key parts of the stations that focus on those Jesus meets, comforts, is ministered to and helped by.  These are what stood out to me today.  It seems so often that as Christ-followers we can get so focused on the task of sharing Christ with others whether by word or action that we can forget that relationship was key to Jesus ministry.  We can become so preoccupied with doing that we forget to be present.  

That is the beauty of this little garden of stations in the corner of town that I've discovered.  God keeps bringing me back to it as a reminder that I need to be present.  I need to be still and to listen.  In the silence we will hear him the clearest and loudest.  For me, I continue to return to the stations to view my life through the cross.  It changes the meaning of loss, pain and even anger.  It allows me to reflect on why some things die.  They allow me to evaluate the health and unhealth of relationships and situations.  It brings me closer to God by bringing me closer to the cross through the reflection of my own life.

Trash: The Holy Aspect

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you asked God what to do with your trash?  Yes, I am completely aware how insane that sounds, but over the course of the last couple of weeks I have started to notice a trend in some of my conversations.  And yes... It involves our family's trash...

Does God really care about that minute detail of our lives?  So often we ration our prayers and questions for God like we they are wishes from a genie.  We need to wait for the big ticket items to really use one.  God doesn't care about little things like our trash so lets not worry him with that.  So we  continue to put an emphasis on what we consider the big items and let the little everyday parts fall to the side, looking for the next big opportunity to ask God to join us in our life.  We want it to look impressive when we say, God answered this prayer.  

It seems like our family is in a season where we desperately need God in those little everyday decisions.  It has felt very odd over the last year as we begin to ask God how to situate our daily life to be the best stewards of the resources he has placed in our care.  

We are nearing the one year anniversary of the decision we made for our family that I needed to leave my job.  We have been a one income family for 11 months. It was not the path we expected to take in 2015, but it is the direction that God steered our family when we started to ask the daily questions.  

One of the oddest things that I have found to come out of the questions we began to ask about our daily life is our trash situation.  When we started asking God what to do with various parts of our lives and habits, we found ourselves coming back to the idea of recycling.  Our habit had been to just toss trash in the trash can and place the trash can out every week.  Then one day a Facebook post came through both my feed and my husband's.  A mutual friend shared that there was a community collection site for recycling.  It was free.  You didn't have to separate everything.  It was less than 5 minutes from our house!

As our family began to move into recycling mode, we began to become more conscious about the packing for items we purchased.  We started to think about the landfills that our trash would go to.  It became a game to see how much we could move out of one trash can into the recycle bin.  It created community and camaraderie in our family as we worked toward a common goal.  Our 18 month old quickly turned into a 2 year old that has begun to realize the significance of the second trash can in our home.  By beginning the process of recycling we have started to think about how to be good stewards in other areas, like our finances, furniture purchases and even energy usage.  

Recycling has made me take a deeper look at God in the everyday aspect of our life.  We truly under-use God when we relegate him to a corner of our lives marked "Important Stuff".  God wants to be part of those decisions also, but the relationships that I turn to the most.  The relationships that allow for the most vulnerability and connectedness are those people, who share everyday life with me.  They are my group of friends that have started to meet every third Thursday evening to make freezer meals. They are the couple we exchange babysitting services with.  Why do we think it's different for God?  We see Jesus share everyday life with his disciples.  This is how they knew what he would do when he was gone.  This is how they knew how the first church should function.  They knew how he handled everyday life.

This is why God cares about my trash....  If I can trust him with this seemingly insignificant role, I am laying the foundation for him to be in my life in a much better way.  When the question of what do I do with my trash begins to become my first response and I let him speak into that detail of my life, it can and eventually will translate itself into the rest of my life.  Because of that I find there is holiness in my trash.  My trash and the fact that I dispose of something everyday means I think about what trash can the things I discard belong in.  In asking that question multiple times a day, there becomes a holy connection between me and my trash, because of the mere fact I have invited God into that part of my life.

Boxes, Hashtags and Community

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.

~ Frederick Buechner

As humans we seem so often to be in search of something.  We want to discover ourselves, find our passion, our purpose, the meaning of life... The list goes on.  

We often search for the thing that will define us in a revelation.  We want something dramatic.  The truth that I am learning is it is the ordinary everyday things that define us.  They are where our passions can be found.  They are the things that weave together to make up the fabric of our lives.  

I have lived a lot my life out of boxes.  It's like moving at some point and never truly unpacking.  You need clothes? Go to this box.  You need a plate?  Oh it's in that box over there.

In my life that has looked something like this....

Church?  Oh here's the outfit I wear for that.  

Work? Oh here's the attitude and talents I pull out for that.

Play?  Oh, Here the box I hide from everyone except a few people that will not judge me...

The boxes always remain separate and I run from place to place when I need something from one of them.  If you have church, work and play all in the same day, well than you wear yourself out juggling the boxes!

I find myself stopping lately and asking the question...

What if life is not supposed to be lived in the boxes?  

What happens if I start to believe the things that bring me great happiness are actually my way of meeting a deep hunger in the world around me?

When I start to ask those things I find myself volunteering for ReadUp at a local elementary school because of my deep love of books and reading.  Because I see books as the door to endless possibilities celebrating with students as they perfect this skill becomes a place God calls me to.

One of the things I have struggled with the most over the past few months is the sense of call I feel to the community we live in.  It is a call that becomes stronger each day.  It's become even stronger as fall days and evenings have allowed our family walks to resume.  As we walk I feel connected.  You should in the community you live in, right?

But I've felt torn...  I also go to church, meet up with our short circle (small group) and work on my volunteer plan for the church we attend and I feel connected.  Only this connection is to a community 30 minutes away from the place I call home.  In my world of boxes, I need to keep them separated.  I need to distinguish the two.  

I think my realization came this week as in posting a picture of my daughter on Instagram I found myself adapting the hashtag that gets used by our church, The Southeast Project or #wearesoutheast.  As we wandered through our town, I found myself thinking about the meaning that particular hashtag carries with it. 

We Are Southeast.  

It defines the church as not a set location, but a body of people.  This group of people happens to meet on the southeast side of Indianapolis.  They work hard to connect with their community.  They are teaching our family amazing things about what it means to connect in a meaningful way with your community.  What it means to be invested in a school, relationships and why you should always rock out to the music being played!  Because we are part of this and building our own relationship here #wearesoutheast.

As we wandered the streets of our town though, I found myself thing about the idea that while #wearesoutheast, we are also part of this community called Mooresville.  I thought about how being Southeast means that we have a relationship with the elementary school in the district that the church meets to worship.  It means crazy fun movie nights, Spring Flings and Easter Egg Hunts all on a community level.  It means being a part of the life cycle of the community.  

I found myself pondering the idea of #wearemooresville.   I honestly haven't been much for hashtags in the past, but something about having a 2 year old is bringing out a more playful side of me that I put away in one of those boxes a long time ago.  You can never truly love something you refuse to be part of.  As long as you hold yourself back you will not get hurt, but you will not live either.  

When you give your heart to something as C.S. Lewis so beautifully states:

 To love at all is to be vulnerable.  

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. 

As we walk around town I realize that 3 years ago as we became part of the community when we opted to go to the laundry mat to do our laundry.  I gave my heart to the community we call home.  I have had my heart broken as circumstances beyond our family's control meant God moved our place of worship 30 minutes away, out of the community I felt called to.

And then something beautiful happened...

I fell in love again.  I fell in love with the amazing, broken, messed up people just like me that make up #wearesoutheast.  

If our deep gladness is what God wants to use to speak to the world's deep hunger than God wants to use the things we love.  The things we give our hearts to, the things that bring us joy have a deeper, holier purpose than we let ourselves believe.  

The Southeast Project, the town of Mooresville, the Benedictine monastery I discovered this month, my ReadUp kids and even the coffee shop I love to visit so I can read in the corner are all things that I am realizing are places of deep gladness in my life.  These are the places that prepare me to best meet the world's deep hunger with my gifts, talents and strengths.  

So what do hashtags and boxes ultimately have to do with deep gladness?  

Well... I am discovering it is a deep gladness to be part of #wearesoutheast, but I'm also discovering that as my love for Southeast grows my love for this quirky little town called Mooresville grows with it.  Southeast gives me a tangible vision for what a life lived in community should look like.  As I learn and live out that vision with #wearesoutheast I find myself more and more believing that #wearemooresville is true.

So if you would like to follow our family's adventures on becoming #wearemooresville and #wearesoutheast they will make their way to Instagram!  

Understanding

We live in an old home.  According to the best records we can find it was built around 1875.  There is something interesting about living in an older home.  If you let it, you learn about the value of investing intentionally.  

In the time we have lived here, my husband and I have both made the observation that the construction is vastly different from the houses built today.  The walls in the original portion of our home are about 2-3 bricks deep and covered with plaster, that's the interior walls.  The house could literally burn down and we would just need to replace flooring, plaster and paint.  This house is probably one of the tiniest of the historic homes on our street.  What it might lack in size, however, it more than makes up for in sturdiness.  Whoever built this house 140+ years ago, built it to last.  They invested in good materials that have stood the test of time.  They invested in a style that has curb appeal and it unique.  There isn't another house in town quite like it.  

We actually have come to love our little home with all of its quirks and oddities.  It has become a metaphor for our lives.  In its own way it is a work of art.  It takes an expert to address any portion of the issues in our home because of it's age and our desire to honor what it has been while adapting it for our family of four.  My husband searched for months interviewing and researching just the right person to address the tuck pointing that the exterior brick required.  You see finding someone who understood the nature of the age of our brick was incredibly important if we wanted to maintain the integrity of the craftsmanship that created our home. 

Therein, lies the metaphor.

Understanding...

This week I have found myself reflecting a lot on where I have been and where I am headed.  Not just once, but twice this week I have found myself sharing with friends the exact area that I genuinely believe God is calling me to ultimately do ministry.  I am more sure of this than I have ever been anything in my life.  But the reality is I am worshipping with a community that is 30 minutes away from where I am called.  So what does it mean?  

The comparison of David living with the Philistines after he was anointed king, but was exiled due to Saul's choices and actions comes to mind....  But the tribe I am with right now is anything but the Philistines.  In fact they are reminding me of something I desperately need to hear right now.  It's ok to be the beautiful, broken mess that I so often feel like.  God uses that.  I am learning what it looks like to love deeply.  What it looks like to partner with the community around you.  I am learning.  It makes me think...  The Philistines were one of the most powerful nations of David's time.  Despite the fact they did not worship Israel's God, they had to have some impressive leadership structure.  Was that God's reason for allowing David's exile?  To learn leadership principles and structure from the best of his time?  Maybe it was learning to live in peace with those he didn't completely agree or feel comfortable around (after all, David was the one a few years earlier who had taken out the best and brightest warrior).  I am definitely learning that!  I am thrilled to be raising my daughters in a culture that makes me question and challenge my preconceived ideas every week!

I also find myself reflecting on some of the painful moments that led to this place in my life.  I think one of the most potent memories I find myself reliving this week is the moment I began to recognize the truth behind the facade I was trying to embrace.  Anytime you remove x from an equation and insert y you change the result.  When you add not only y, but also z you exponentially alter the results you were attempting with x in the equation.  In fact you create an entirely different equation.  It creates an equation that no longer welcomes the x's of the world.  But it is no longer the same equation either.  You have now changed what you are pursing.  Of course it becomes very confusing for those that think the equation is suppose to be the same.  I think that is where I fall....  I didn't understand the new equation.  I thought I was coming back to a bigger better equation built on the first one.  But it was not the same equation.  My x no longer had a place.  

I have struggled with understanding why my relationships with friends have changed.  I have cried when those I use to be so close to, no longer have space for me in their lives.  When I look at the new math equation though, I understand it is not so different from my experience of church during my high school years.  While we want to believe that things are different as an adult, those experiences are often preparing us for what it coming.  We cannot get along with everyone.  It is the reality of our broken world.  However, there are those relationships that when we choose to pursue them, they break deep friendships that we might have taken for granted.  Friendship that made us think nothing could happen to them because they were grounded and the other person "understood" us.  

Understanding....

What does it really mean to understand?

For me right now it means learning to move on with life when my x is no longer needed in someone's equation.  Actually, this one is familiar...  I know how to do this.  It hurts and it's painful, but it is not the unknown.

It also means, that my x has been moved to an equation that I can learn my value.  The value of x is always unknown until you start to work it into the equation the way it was meant to be.  

Understanding means that by seeing how I fit into the equation of the tribe I am in right now, I know the value that my x brings to the next equation to which I move.  

Just like our house needed someone who understood the quirks of it's construction and materials, my x needs to be around those who will help me understand its value and what it contributes to the equations.  

Understanding....  

In my case it means to be with a tribe, to develop friendships that help me discover the value of my x....