Recent conversations with a couple of friends combined with things I've found myself struggling with recently have made me think a lot about how our past affects us. It's funny, but it seems like every time I start to think I've made progress in an area something happens that makes me think maybe not as much as I thought... Maybe it's just God keeping me humble, but after managing for a few months with no issues from one I think maybe I had started to think I had it under control, which obviously meant God had to show me I'll never have it under control.
I realize it's a lesson that will probably still have to be repeated occasionally, but I discovered something this time around that I hope I remember a little more quickly in the future. To deal with wounds from the past the only way to heal is to continually give them over to a loving God. Of course much like Frodo discovered after being stabbed by the Nazgul some wounds while they heal always leave reminders. They bring with them certain reactions that are instictive because of the original pain they delivered. We pull away from the pain that we expect.
Of course even though we pull away almost instinctively we still have the final choice. We can continue to pull away and react defensively or we can face our fears and insecurities and allow God to use others to help us deal with them. I suppose that one thing that stood out to me as I personally faced some things and it was that maybe as a way of getting me ready for the next growing phase God had sent just the right people into my life to give me the reality checks I needed at the time I needed them. People who weren't afraid to say slow down, hurry up, kick it in gear or even just wait.
I think it brought me back in a full circle to something the last several months have been reinforcing. Success in life really is about the relationships we make. Not success in the "I made the Fortune 500 list" way, but success in that I accomplished things I never would or could have on my own and I did it because of the people who held me up when I was discouraged, encouraged me when I didn't see what God was doing and held out for the bigger picture they could see from their vantage point.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
God's Timing
It's a funny thing how sometimes when you are going through some of the moments that change and define you the most you somehow don't realize how important they are until you look back in hindsight. I think that's one of the interesting thing about God's timing. It's subtle. I think that's something that I've realized over the last five months especially as some of the lessons and experiences I've had over the last five years have come together and started to make sense. It's had me re-evaluating my life, the people God has sent into it and the impact they have made especially over the last four years.
In meeting up with friends I hadn't seen in a few months I realized something about God's timing. Sometimes it's not just about when new events, people or circumstances are introduced into our lives. Sometimes it's about the fact he asks you to surrender something you hold dear so that he can return it for an even greater impact in your life.
I think one of the greatest challenges I've faced came earlier this year, in the belief that God was asking me to give up something I held very dear with no guarantees for the future. It made no sense to me that at a time in my life when things seemed to be going good I was being asked to give up what I loved and was familiar with, something that I could look at and see had been a positive thing in my life. At that time as the events of two years began to come together into the events of a mere four weeks, the recurrent answer that came from a friend to my repeated question of why ended up being "It's all in God's timing."
It's an answer that seems to have repeated itself often over the following months and tonight I realized that not just the new things that come into our lives, but the renewing of old relationships as we are ready to deal with them or react to them in a different way are in God's timing as well. If we try to recapture initial moments of relationships as we know them, we lose the chance to see what can develop in God's timing. While we see our slice of time and how it impacts us if we refuse to allow God to work in his time we miss the opportunity to experience what he has in store for that relationship. Sometimes it means allowing time for it to grow and sometimes it means letting go. Ultimately it comes down to realizing that God truly does have a perfect time for everything and if we let him work things out in his time it turns out infinitely better than our timing.
In meeting up with friends I hadn't seen in a few months I realized something about God's timing. Sometimes it's not just about when new events, people or circumstances are introduced into our lives. Sometimes it's about the fact he asks you to surrender something you hold dear so that he can return it for an even greater impact in your life.
I think one of the greatest challenges I've faced came earlier this year, in the belief that God was asking me to give up something I held very dear with no guarantees for the future. It made no sense to me that at a time in my life when things seemed to be going good I was being asked to give up what I loved and was familiar with, something that I could look at and see had been a positive thing in my life. At that time as the events of two years began to come together into the events of a mere four weeks, the recurrent answer that came from a friend to my repeated question of why ended up being "It's all in God's timing."
It's an answer that seems to have repeated itself often over the following months and tonight I realized that not just the new things that come into our lives, but the renewing of old relationships as we are ready to deal with them or react to them in a different way are in God's timing as well. If we try to recapture initial moments of relationships as we know them, we lose the chance to see what can develop in God's timing. While we see our slice of time and how it impacts us if we refuse to allow God to work in his time we miss the opportunity to experience what he has in store for that relationship. Sometimes it means allowing time for it to grow and sometimes it means letting go. Ultimately it comes down to realizing that God truly does have a perfect time for everything and if we let him work things out in his time it turns out infinitely better than our timing.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Reading and Relationships
I recently realized something about myself that I somehow managed to miss before. My obsession with books has always managed to be a source of entertainment for my friends and family in some way shape or form. Whether it was the fact that my books held my bed up better than the frame at one point or that I had more books in my closet than clothes, there was always something to find entertaining about my obsession with the written word. It really didn't matter what it was I would read anything I could get my hands on. In the last four months I have worked my way through that book collection and have taken it down to a mere fraction of what it once was. I just realized though in looking over what I kept that there was this consistent theme that emerged from the choice of previously read books that I held on to.
Now like every self respecting single young woman I will confess a LOT of the books in my collection seem to have been romance novels. The interesting thing I discovered as I pulled books off of shelves and tossed them in boxes for Half Price Books, those were some of the easiest to part with and when I look at the remaining books now, I find a trend in the romance novels I couldn't quite make myself part with which led me to realize something that I didn't realize at the time I was reading them. The trend I found myself noticing was that the books with the Cinderella storyline - Girl meets boy, instant attraction, short period of knowing one another, then on to marriage- didn't make the cut. Every last one of them ended up in the boxes. The ones that were left were those with more of a Beauty and the Beast storyline - Girl meets boy, a gradual friendship occurs and the couple ends up in a place where they discover their life has become better because the other person is in it to the point a deeper relationship develops almost without their realizing it until the relationship is threatened.
That said, no the purpose of writing this is not to expound on some romantic revelation I had, but the fact that it made me realize even my preference in reading material has probably been telling me something for years and I just kept missing it. Relationships that have meaning are hugely important to me. I don't do well as an island. I need people in my life who will encourage and challenge me and that I can trust to give me advice. Those don't develop in the superficial world of Cinderella relationships. Those are found in the darker less appealing world of Beauty and the Beast. They are found as you come to accept one another with the faults and failings you both bring into the relationship.
The thing I've always wondered about Cinderella is what happened over the next 10 years after she rides off with the prince? After all they really didn't know anything about one another. How many times did the fairy tale meet a bump in the road? On the other hand I never wonder that in Beauty and the Beast. They knew one another rather well, by the end of their story and were better set to expect the bumps in the road. Yes, we tend to take away from Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast the romantic story, but as I looked at the books remaining on my shelf I realized that whether its a romance, biography, fiction or non-fiction I'm left with the feeling that my favorite books over the years have been telling me I have a desire for more meaningful relationships in every area of my life. It's a funny thing to realize that you probably had the key to an area of your life long before you ever figured out what it was for...
Monday, April 11, 2011
"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back."
"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back."
A while back I re-watched the BBC miniseries North & South at which one particular scene stood out to me. There came a point where the heroine has been given the chance to return to her former life which she thought she had missed so dearly and upon attempting to go back to her that way of life she discovers that life's experiences have changed her and returning to the life she once knew wasn't possible because she had changed.
I suppose this particular scene stood out too me because it was something with which I found it easy to relate. It seems in the last few years I make it to December and look back over the year and find that many things have occurred that have challenged me, caused me to grow and changed me over the course of the year. This year for some reason seems to be on the fast track. Either that or all of those lessons from the past several years seem to be coming together finally. Whatever the reason I find myself in April looking at 2011 thinking I never imagined getting to the end of the year and being where I am just a quarter of the way through.
But back to the starting quote, "Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back." Out of a two part mini-series this was the one line that stood out to me and has stayed with me weeks later. I think probably because to me it sums up life and reinforces something I learned this last summer. When traveling back from Atlanta, I happened to pass the exit for Bardstown, KY. Remembering the visit to My Old Kentucky Home with my family when I was young I decided to stop past out of nostalgia. I discovered something that day. Somehow the magic that I remembered from childhood was no longer there. The excitement that to this day I remember experiencing all those years ago was absent. I left feeling that some things should probably be left in the past where they belong and that trying to recapture "magic" moments isn't necessarily the best idea. The "magic" feeling is for the now. It's for the memories you are creating that become special because of the people you are with for that one moment in time. The uniqueness of each moment can't be recreated, it has to be enjoyed as it occurs. We can try to go back just as Margaret did in North & South, but chances are we will find as she did that life has moved on and we truly can't go back to things as they were we must face the future with it's promise of magic moments and new memories to be made.
I suppose this particular scene stood out too me because it was something with which I found it easy to relate. It seems in the last few years I make it to December and look back over the year and find that many things have occurred that have challenged me, caused me to grow and changed me over the course of the year. This year for some reason seems to be on the fast track. Either that or all of those lessons from the past several years seem to be coming together finally. Whatever the reason I find myself in April looking at 2011 thinking I never imagined getting to the end of the year and being where I am just a quarter of the way through.
But back to the starting quote, "Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back." Out of a two part mini-series this was the one line that stood out to me and has stayed with me weeks later. I think probably because to me it sums up life and reinforces something I learned this last summer. When traveling back from Atlanta, I happened to pass the exit for Bardstown, KY. Remembering the visit to My Old Kentucky Home with my family when I was young I decided to stop past out of nostalgia. I discovered something that day. Somehow the magic that I remembered from childhood was no longer there. The excitement that to this day I remember experiencing all those years ago was absent. I left feeling that some things should probably be left in the past where they belong and that trying to recapture "magic" moments isn't necessarily the best idea. The "magic" feeling is for the now. It's for the memories you are creating that become special because of the people you are with for that one moment in time. The uniqueness of each moment can't be recreated, it has to be enjoyed as it occurs. We can try to go back just as Margaret did in North & South, but chances are we will find as she did that life has moved on and we truly can't go back to things as they were we must face the future with it's promise of magic moments and new memories to be made.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
A Different Vantage Point
Sometimes I seem to have such random thoughts that even I wonder where they come from and today was one of those days. For some reason on the way to church the movie Vantage Point came to mind. I believe it was a combination of events of the past week, reading material, conversations and life in general that seemed to randomly produce the thought process that included this particular movie.
It was a movie that I enjoyed the first time I watched it because of its interesting twist. Without giving away too much of the storyline, the thing I liked about it was the fact that the same events were shown through the eyes of different people and each time you got another person's perspective the storyline was given a deeper dimension. The interesting thing with Vantage Point is that you get to the end of the movie and realize that in the end the reality everyone thought was true as viewed from their personal perspective actually changed when you put together all of the different perspectives that surrounded one 15 minute slice of time.
I think especially a couple of conversations I've had this week have shown me how one dimensional my view of life can be. It's almost like I recognize and acknowledge on some level that other people exist and matter and even have different perspectives, but it's a little harder to add their dimension to the storyline of my life. To do that means I must make myself vulnerable. I am required to share parts of myself that I would rather keep hidden or at the very least acknowledge to others that those fears and insecurities exist in me. It means I'm exposed in some way and once that happens the person I've shared a part of myself with becomes a part of my story and in doing so has the potential to affect my perspective.
Think about it though. How would our lives and relationships change if we could find a way to step away from ourselves and add the dimension of someone else's perspective to our world? It doesn't mean we have to agree 100% with their viewpoint, but sometimes in just hearing someone's perspective we can better relate to that person on other levels and makes us more conscience of the different levels that exist in the bigger story God has in which we play a part. After all as much as I like to think it some days my story is not the biggest, most important one in the world. It is only a small part of God's bigger story in which every one has their 15 minute segment that corresponds with mine, but involves their perspective and in putting those perspectives together the bigger picture starts to evolve. Of course it evolves whether I put those perspectives together or not, but how much more effective could I be if I saw even one other person's perspective on my 15 minute segment of life?
It was a movie that I enjoyed the first time I watched it because of its interesting twist. Without giving away too much of the storyline, the thing I liked about it was the fact that the same events were shown through the eyes of different people and each time you got another person's perspective the storyline was given a deeper dimension. The interesting thing with Vantage Point is that you get to the end of the movie and realize that in the end the reality everyone thought was true as viewed from their personal perspective actually changed when you put together all of the different perspectives that surrounded one 15 minute slice of time.
I think especially a couple of conversations I've had this week have shown me how one dimensional my view of life can be. It's almost like I recognize and acknowledge on some level that other people exist and matter and even have different perspectives, but it's a little harder to add their dimension to the storyline of my life. To do that means I must make myself vulnerable. I am required to share parts of myself that I would rather keep hidden or at the very least acknowledge to others that those fears and insecurities exist in me. It means I'm exposed in some way and once that happens the person I've shared a part of myself with becomes a part of my story and in doing so has the potential to affect my perspective.
Think about it though. How would our lives and relationships change if we could find a way to step away from ourselves and add the dimension of someone else's perspective to our world? It doesn't mean we have to agree 100% with their viewpoint, but sometimes in just hearing someone's perspective we can better relate to that person on other levels and makes us more conscience of the different levels that exist in the bigger story God has in which we play a part. After all as much as I like to think it some days my story is not the biggest, most important one in the world. It is only a small part of God's bigger story in which every one has their 15 minute segment that corresponds with mine, but involves their perspective and in putting those perspectives together the bigger picture starts to evolve. Of course it evolves whether I put those perspectives together or not, but how much more effective could I be if I saw even one other person's perspective on my 15 minute segment of life?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
To Live or Not to Live, That is the Question
It's funny how our life experiences can change how we see the world around us. Earlier this year I found myself challenged by a friend to take the work I do on a daily basis and view it from the possible spiritual angles it presented. At first I found myself thinking I'd try it, but not truly expecting it to impact my life in any significant way. It would be a slight variation to the way I saw the world around me, but life would go on without any profound changes.
I'm still not entirely for sure what happened, but as I thought about the comparisons that had been made between the medical aspect of the heart and the world of work I had become so familiar with over eight years of nursing something happened. I found myself looking at a world I was so familiar with through different eyes. The things that had become routine for me began to take on an entirely different meaning.
The interesting thing was that this thought process followed me to my position in Hospice which gave a new meaning to some of the ideas that were presented in this new field. One of those was the idea of when you are facing death you learn to be aware of life and in doing so learn how to truly live. Well, with the challenge still in my mind of looking for the spiritual application it brought a whole other meaning with it.
The thought I was left with is from a spiritual sense how much more spiritually aware would we become if we were to die to the world's idea of what life should be and what success is? How much do we not live by attempting to live an ideal dictated by the status quo? Is it possible that by striving for that ideal we exist rather than truly live as God intended us to? What would happen if we were to allow ourselves to lose the idea of success that we have come to accept as "normal"?
For me I find that what began as a casual challenge has now become something I can't get away from. It has changed the way I look at my everyday life and in doing so has changed me. It has challenged me to evaluate what is important in life and in doing so how I live mine.
I'm still not entirely for sure what happened, but as I thought about the comparisons that had been made between the medical aspect of the heart and the world of work I had become so familiar with over eight years of nursing something happened. I found myself looking at a world I was so familiar with through different eyes. The things that had become routine for me began to take on an entirely different meaning.
The interesting thing was that this thought process followed me to my position in Hospice which gave a new meaning to some of the ideas that were presented in this new field. One of those was the idea of when you are facing death you learn to be aware of life and in doing so learn how to truly live. Well, with the challenge still in my mind of looking for the spiritual application it brought a whole other meaning with it.
The thought I was left with is from a spiritual sense how much more spiritually aware would we become if we were to die to the world's idea of what life should be and what success is? How much do we not live by attempting to live an ideal dictated by the status quo? Is it possible that by striving for that ideal we exist rather than truly live as God intended us to? What would happen if we were to allow ourselves to lose the idea of success that we have come to accept as "normal"?
For me I find that what began as a casual challenge has now become something I can't get away from. It has changed the way I look at my everyday life and in doing so has changed me. It has challenged me to evaluate what is important in life and in doing so how I live mine.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Being vs. Doing
What is a life sold out to God? As someone who grew up in church and often heard how we need to "sell out to God", "surrender our life to Him" and "die to the world". I'm sorry to say eventually I came to the place that it really didn't matter how it was phrased I began tuning it out thinking the idea was this high spiritual plane that I could never even hope to achieve so what was the use in trying? In my mind it became better to simply not try rather than try and be reminded of my shortcomings. Not necessarily the right attitude to have, but one that I was able to function with.
I'm not sure at what point the light bulb actually went off in my head, but at some point I came to a realization about the problem with my thought process. I was operating under the idea that I had to "fix" myself so to speak before I could "surrender completely". I had to make myself acceptable before I could expect God to accept what I had to offer. In other words, I had Cain's problem. I thought somewhere in me there was something that God would be honored to accept for his service if I just worked hard enough at it. I think it was at that point I realized plans are good. To go through life never having a thought as to what you will do next is not really an option, but how often was I guilty of trying to plan how my spiritual life would go. I realized that in much the same way I would plan my day out at work, I'll do A, B and C before lunch, D, E and F after lunch and if I get to G and H that's great, but they could wait until tomorrow. I was applying that to my spiritual life. If I could read a certain amount of Scripture that day, spend a set amount of time in prayer and go to church a set number of times a week my spiritual obligations had been fulfilled and if I repeated this enough one day I could maybe reach that place where I was "sold out" to God.
The moment I realized that God doesn't want perfection, he wants willingness was a life changing point for me. It meant stepping back and not doing, but being. In doing I was showing others what I could do for God. If my attitude is wrong I might even be trying to show them how fortunate God is to have someone like me representing him on the humble earth. The interesting thing about the word do is that in any form it can pretty much stand by itself in a sentence. It doesn't depend on another word to help define it's intent. As for being, that's another story entirely. It needs other words to show it's true and full meaning. For me that meant that in being rather than doing I have to allow something other than my own steam to define the sentence of my life. If I can do something in my own power, if people can look at my life and totally explain everything that happens by my strength and endurance then I'm really not living a life that emphasises the wonder and strength of God. If I can show how I planned to get from point A to point B it's my story, but if there is no human way to explain how point B came from point A, well that's a story that only God can write!
A friend recently made the observation that he believes the way we go through things is the way God makes sure we learn well the lessons he's teaching us. I must admit that based on my life in the last five years I completely agree with him. Somehow the struggles as you try to accept that God has a bigger picture in mind while dealing with the daily disappointments of life not being where you anticipated at this point in your life take on a different view when you make it through that lesson and are on the other side. I think that acceptance that we cannot manage the outcome and giving up control over some part of our life where maybe we didn't even realize control was such an issue for us is one of the hardest parts in the idea of being versus doing. There is a part of us that wants to sit down and work on our ten year plan so that we feel productive, but the still small voice didn't come when Elijah was calling down fire on Mount Carmel it came when he was at his lowest and couldn't "do" anything to help himself. In much the same way we have to come to the place that we are willing to "be" the conduit that God can use to show his greatness rather than showing the world how great God is by what we "do".
I'm not sure at what point the light bulb actually went off in my head, but at some point I came to a realization about the problem with my thought process. I was operating under the idea that I had to "fix" myself so to speak before I could "surrender completely". I had to make myself acceptable before I could expect God to accept what I had to offer. In other words, I had Cain's problem. I thought somewhere in me there was something that God would be honored to accept for his service if I just worked hard enough at it. I think it was at that point I realized plans are good. To go through life never having a thought as to what you will do next is not really an option, but how often was I guilty of trying to plan how my spiritual life would go. I realized that in much the same way I would plan my day out at work, I'll do A, B and C before lunch, D, E and F after lunch and if I get to G and H that's great, but they could wait until tomorrow. I was applying that to my spiritual life. If I could read a certain amount of Scripture that day, spend a set amount of time in prayer and go to church a set number of times a week my spiritual obligations had been fulfilled and if I repeated this enough one day I could maybe reach that place where I was "sold out" to God.
The moment I realized that God doesn't want perfection, he wants willingness was a life changing point for me. It meant stepping back and not doing, but being. In doing I was showing others what I could do for God. If my attitude is wrong I might even be trying to show them how fortunate God is to have someone like me representing him on the humble earth. The interesting thing about the word do is that in any form it can pretty much stand by itself in a sentence. It doesn't depend on another word to help define it's intent. As for being, that's another story entirely. It needs other words to show it's true and full meaning. For me that meant that in being rather than doing I have to allow something other than my own steam to define the sentence of my life. If I can do something in my own power, if people can look at my life and totally explain everything that happens by my strength and endurance then I'm really not living a life that emphasises the wonder and strength of God. If I can show how I planned to get from point A to point B it's my story, but if there is no human way to explain how point B came from point A, well that's a story that only God can write!
A friend recently made the observation that he believes the way we go through things is the way God makes sure we learn well the lessons he's teaching us. I must admit that based on my life in the last five years I completely agree with him. Somehow the struggles as you try to accept that God has a bigger picture in mind while dealing with the daily disappointments of life not being where you anticipated at this point in your life take on a different view when you make it through that lesson and are on the other side. I think that acceptance that we cannot manage the outcome and giving up control over some part of our life where maybe we didn't even realize control was such an issue for us is one of the hardest parts in the idea of being versus doing. There is a part of us that wants to sit down and work on our ten year plan so that we feel productive, but the still small voice didn't come when Elijah was calling down fire on Mount Carmel it came when he was at his lowest and couldn't "do" anything to help himself. In much the same way we have to come to the place that we are willing to "be" the conduit that God can use to show his greatness rather than showing the world how great God is by what we "do".
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