Whitespace is Faithfulness

     

If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones....  Luke 16:10a

I think I'm in the middle of learning a lesson.   I have the bad tendency to push myself to the very edge of what I can tolerate before crashing.  Today happens to be a crash day.  The bad thing about a crash day for me is that when I crash I do it big.  Today I've moved from bed to couch to bed and back to the couch again.  My entire body aches and I haven't managed much more than taking care of my 8 month old.

The sad thing is I knew it was coming.  I knew yesterday that I was starting to crash, but I ignored the signs and did all of the things I was determined to do with my day.  I didn't take care of myself.  I didn't slow down and stop to focus on rest even though I knew I needed it.  And so I ignored one of the things God's been stressing to me the most lately.  That I need to be faithful in rest.

Faithful in rest.  Kind of sounds crazy when we are pushed in every direction we look to do more.  Take on more commitments at work, at church and in our community.  We don't really care whether we are good at said things, we just keep piling them on because we are asked to.  Never stopping to rest until our bodies completely and utterly let us down.

Today as I sit here, my body screaming at me that it needed to rest long before I gave in, the passage in Scripture came to mind where Jesus tells His disciples "If you are faithful in little things. you will be faithful in large ones.... Luke 16:10a (NLT).  I've read this verse I don't know how many times, but today I suddenly realize that the very first thing that God gave to my care I'm abusing.  I'm not always faithful in caring for my body.  I put it under stress it was never intended to endure and then I refuse to let it rest when it begs for it.  Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians that our body's are a temple of the Holy Spirit.  Somehow right now I'm picturing the Holy Spirit looking very much like a homeless person if He's trying to survive in the mess that is my body today.  I'm pretty sure the roof is leaking and a few windows are broken.  Which is where the importance of investing in soul rest comes into play.

A scene from It's a Wonderful Life comes to mind in which George comes "home" to Mary the night of their wedding and the roof is leaking and there are posters hiding the broken windows.  There's no rest in a place where the roof and windows leak.  When something is allowed to fall into disrepair it effects the entire structure and those who reside in it.  I'm starting to realize how failure to rest my body and soul effects my life.  

Sometimes I think we might have been our smartest in some ways as children.  Before we knew we were suppose to abuse our bodies in the name of adulthood we invested in resting when we needed to and giving our all to the things we enjoyed.  Somewhere along the way we lost that approach to life. We crammed our lives with activities forgetting to set aside time to rest and invest in our souls.  After all we were adults and that was kids stuff.  And our bodies have suffered.  

So the lesson I'm learning today is that I haven't taken the time to invest in Spiritual Whitespace the last week the way my soul needed and I feel it both physically and emotionally.  I'm drained and so tired.  While my roof isn't leaking like a sieve, I'm pretty sure I have a cracked window that needs repaired, but with that realization comes the opportunity to restore this temple before it becomes uninhabitable.  And so today I discovered that to invest in spiritual whitespace is to be faithful in one little thing so I'm ready for the large ones.

Abandon

 

In architecture, space sculpts the soul of a building, creating places for people to relax and relate.

~Bonnie Gray

I've recently come across an Instagram account called itsabandoned that fascinates me.  It's pictures of places that have been abandoned by humanity.  Some of them are left in such a way you expect to see the former residents walk back in to take up their lives at any moment.  Others there is an almost painful beauty in the abandoned state.  The beauty comes by the space that has been vacated by some unknown force.  I've wondered more than once why this account holds my attention, but every day I find myself looking for the newly captured empty beauty by a random photographer.  

Maybe these photos capture my attention because of what they represent.  Something that was productive, useful and served a purpose, but now is left to the fate of falling into disrepair and loneliness.  Maybe they hold my gaze just a little longer because I feel like them.  Once useful and productive, but now nothing.....   

Maybe I look at them and see the dreams and hopes that existed in myself 2 years ago that now feel impossible to achieve most days.  Maybe I look at them and see the people that walked away from them seeing the upkeep as too much and see the part of myself that others have reacted to as too broken.  

And then I look again and see the beauty in their abandoned state.  They might have been abandoned by those with less vision, but someone came along and was inspired by what was left by the less astute. That gives me hope.  Someone saw these places that were left behind, lost and unappreciated by those who found their definition of beauty in the newer and flashier locale and redeemed their abandoned state by recognizing the beauty of their existence.  That gives me hope.  Hope that the parts of me that seem too broken for some do have a purpose and beauty.  It reminds me as God reminded Samuel that while man looks on the outward appearance and measures me with his finite knowledge.  God looks at my heart.  God looking at the heart is how David failed so many times by man's evaluation, but God saw in David a man after His own heart.  

My husband likes to talk about embodied energy when talking about the advantage of using an existing building.  I think I look at these pictures of abandoned places and I'm reminded that when God looks at me He sees embodied energy.  He sees what He's already invested in growing me, in the dreams He's given me and in the plans He has for me and once more I find hope.  Hope that much like these rejected places that have been captured in pictures for every time I'm rejected God has someone waiting to recognize what I can be and to join me in that journey.  

The interesting thing about abandoned things....  while some choose to abandon them it creates space and movement for the few that choose to appreciate them.  There is a certain freedom that comes with living in abandonment.  Freedom to discern what's most important and what's least important.  Freedom to say no, but also freedom to say yes.  Freedom not to be defined by the abandoned state, but to live with abandon.

The Clutter of Empty Nests

Have you ever paid attention to the trees this time of year?  The leaves are just starting to come in and most of what we are greeted with even in a forest full of trees are empty branches.  Lately as I've taken walks I've been noticing that the trees aren't entirely empty.  Somehow God keeps bringing the empty nests to my attention.  The remnants of one little family of birds old life.  This is a place that played a role in their history, but this year they will move on and build a new nest in a different location.   It's just the way things are designed to work.

Sometimes I wish I could be a little more like the birds that once inhabited these nests.  To be able to accept moving on as part of my journey, but somehow that's hard for me.  There are parts of it I excel at, but the moments that feel like I failed.  I have a little harder time moving on from the perceived failures.  I want a redo.  I want to redeem the experience.  In those moments moving on is excruciating.  

Lately it seems that God has been addressing clutter in my life.  The hard part.... He seems to be pointing out that holding on to relationships after they've served His purpose creates clutter.  That's hard for me to wrap my head around.  Intellectually, I can acknowledge that as we move into different roles in life that relationships change, but somehow as an introvert I hate losing those places I've invested my energy and emotions.  

Today as I wandered through a local nature park I kept noticing those empty nests.  As I noticed the space they took up in the branches just waiting to unfurl their budding leaves I found myself wondering what are the empty nests in my life that God is wanting to move so that I can grow more freely unfettered by those things that pull my attention and energy away from what He wants to use me for.  What is it that is keeping me from abandoning the old life of last summer to fully live in this spring?  I'm sure it's an ongoing evaluation, but I'm finding it a necessary one.

Whitespace is Freedom

So I'm excited to share this week that Sunday our little family of three actually made it to a church service in Indianapolis!  It might not sound like a big deal to many, but for us it was huge!  After months of struggling with anxiety, panic attacks and  nightmares, I was able to get ready and go to a service and worship.  It feels like it's been forever since I was able to do this without leaving town.  

The awesome thing about this experience was that God had just the message I needed to hear waiting for me when we got to the school where the church holds service.  The even more amazing thing is the message didn't come from the pastor.  It came from someone who's story reflected mine in some significant ways.  It came from someone who was genuine enough to admit her struggles and doubting God at times.  I have to admit that the thought occurred a couple of times that these are my kind of people.  Broken and trying to heal from their own hurts, but willing to share their story with others even in the middle of figuring that story out.

I think my experience of Sunday has me finally believing that what my kindred, Bonnie Gray shares in her book Finding Spiritual Whitespace is true....  "Whitespace is movement".  For so long it's felt like I've just been in limbo waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting.  

But the truth is that in taking time out for soul rest.  In saying no to the things I'm not yet ready to take on.  It saying no to unhealth and setting boundaries, I've been clearing the clutter from my life that makes it so hard to hear God sometimes.  

What I am learning is to celebrate the visible movement.  Even if I can't make the next service, I made this one and having accomplished that I know I can do it again.  It's funny how when you are walking through wounds you learn to celebrate the little things.  A year ago I was leading worship on a regular basis, not allowing a service to be missed and feeling guilty if I was sick and couldn't be there.  Today I celebrate the moments I can step foot into a church service and celebrate even more if I can stay for the entire service and not leave due to panic attacks.  I thought for so long it was backward movement, but now I'm recognizing it as creating space for me to embrace who God made me to be rather than living up to other's expectations.  

Whitespace creates freedom.

Respite

Without whitespace, we become emotionally disconnected.  We cannot be touched, nor can we touch anyone.     ~Bonnie Gray

This week I've been operating in exhausted mode.  Last week everyone in our little family of three managed to be sick one right after the other.  This week my husband had meetings and overtime galore and by yesterday I found myself hitting a wall.  I had forced myself along as much as possible, but desperately needed something to bring me joy.  Something that would delight the little girl inside me and so my husband arranged a date night taking me to see Cinderella.

I'm not sure I even realized how much I needed to feel again.  In just coping with the daily demands of life without stop I had become numb to the world around me.  In contrast today as I've taken time to feed my soul I've managed to feel the day I'm going through.  Rather than rushing through the immediate demands of the moment, I've been able to enjoy the funny faces my 7 month old makes as she continues to  adjust to the new texture of her baby food.  We've celebrated her consumption of the entire tiny jar of pureed peas for the  progress it is.  We've had fun matching up her Supergirl onsie and Daddy's Captain America superhero shirt.  I've actually taken the time to taste and enjoy my lunch rather than just swallowing  it as fast as I could to move on to the next item on the list.  

I'm starting to realize how much I do that.  Hurry through one thing to move on down the list.  Not really stopping to experience the moment.  I suffer for the moments I do that, but as I realized this week, slowing down to feel also means I feel the painful memories a little more.

One of the things I've realized with the season of life I'm in right now is that I feel isolation more acutely.  One of the fears I've had since a little girl is the fear of being forgotten, being alone.  When I was 7 I changed schools.  We didn't physically move, but my entire world changed.  While from a distance I saw my little kindergarten friends move on over the years, I always believed that while I remembered them, I was no more than the face they'll never put a name to in a single class picture from 1986.  While most people tend to think children are resilient and will get over things like that, it doesn't seem to have been the case for me.  My belief of that experience has impacted me for decades.  It has made me stay places I should have moved on from longer than I needed to be there.  It's impacted how I leave jobs and churches.  As far as I'm concerned I always believe I'm the most forgettable person in the room.  

This week that belief was challenged.  As I stopped for lunch in the middle of a day full of errands, I heard my name.  As I instinctively looked up and around I recognized a face I hadn't seen in 4 or 5 years.  The first person to befriend me after my move to the Indianapolis area, the first person to call me friend in this new place.  Someone, who I had lost track of in the busyness of life, was sitting at the next table.  Not only was she sitting at the next table, but she remembered me!  After spending some time catching up and exchanging current contact information we parted ways.  As I walked to my car and through the rest of the day I continued to hear the words "you're not forgotten".  

As I get to the end of my week I find myself realizing how much I miss hearing from God when I'm in the busyness of doing.  When I'm not taking the time to care for my soul by resting I get stuck in my head and the lies I've believed about myself for so long.  As I take the time today to embrace the rest that God has for me I am reminded that God designed us for rest.  God created a world, animals, humans, plants and so much more, but even He rested.  

Rest....  It's not something we earn.  It's not something we are worthy of.  It's something we were created for.

So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God.  For all who have entered into God's rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world.

~Hebrews 4:9-10

Rest...  It's how we are suppose to connect to the God who created us.  It is how we hear the message we are the Beloved.  

Rest.... It might not change the fact that the now 35 year old adults that I once attended my early years of school with probably don't really remember me.  It doesn't change the pain of feeling forgotten in more recent relationships that seem to have moved on past me.  But what it does do is reminds me that where it's important I'm not forgotten.  But it does remind me I'm so very loved by Someone who will never forget me.  

The Pieces In Place

Have you ever had those moments that you are in a frustrating season of life?  One you just can't seem to kick no matter how hard you try or how much you beg God it just doesn't seem to end?

I'm in one of those right now.  Saturday afternoon I was so excited.  Finally, after about 6 weeks of struggling and panic attacks it looked like we were at the point of going to a new church.  And then it happened....   Even looking back on it now it seems so simple, there shouldn't have been anything to set me off, but as it happens from time to time I was running through my list just a little too quickly for my husband to absorb everything I was throwing at him and he walked away to collect his thoughts before contributing to the conversation.  Now you have to understand this happens for us on a regular basis.  I've already processed everything out in my head and poor Dustin is left to catch up so there wasn't anything strange about his need to walk away, but that was all it took to set off the cycle of anxiety that was just waiting to be unleashed on my unsuspecting self.  Before I knew it I was in tears for the rest of the night and had the worst panic attacks and nightmares I had experienced in months.  Needless to say after an extremely difficult night our visit to the new church did not occur and once more I was devastated that yet again I was the reason that our family failed to make a church service.

As this week has continued on I have realized something as God has used various people to speak into my life.  A picture starts to form as each person brings a piece of truth that I desperately need to hear.  From one person I hear again the message that he has been giving me for months through my Spiritual Whitespace Bookclub "I am His Beloved", from another I hear the message to give myself grace as I grasp the reality that I'm dealing with burnout, but am also taking all the right steps to repair myself emotionally, spiritually and physically.  From my kindred church I am given the reminder that Scripture tells us where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there.  It's ok, if during this season I am only capable of  watching church online at home with Dustin and Myka on a Sunday morning.  It's only for a season and will pass the more I'm able to rest and heal.  

As I continue to think about all of the people who have been impacting my life this week in their own ways I realize that sometimes part of kicking the frustrating seasons in life means waiting on the right team to be assembled.  For me I need the kindreds in my bookclub sharing their stories helping me realize I'm not alone.  I need the reminder that I'm His Beloved.  I need to hear from someone who's wrestled through burnout to help me recognize the progress I'm making, but also the reality of what I've been through.  I need all of those to help me move on, but more importantly to remind me to give myself grace if it takes a little longer than I might prefer.

The Significance of Three Percent

Only 3% of the world's coffee meets our standards.

~Starbucks

As I sit here tonight in a Starbucks that particular phrase on the top shelf of a display catches my attention.  Only 3%.....  That means that 97% of the coffee produced in the entire world fails to make the cut for this company.  For someone who is not a numbers fan those particular numbers are interesting somehow.  Maybe it's because I've been contemplating my past a lot lately.

It seems like I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm part of some rejected minority.  Never the first to be chosen for anything and often feeling like the default solution when I did end up playing a role of any significance.  Often times it seems that my belief that I'm less than enough is born out by being replaced by others or having the unneeded information shared of why I wouldn't have been the first choice for a particular role as my inadequacies were laid before me.  

I've spent a lot of the last year feeling that sense of rejection.  A sense that I was part of a rejected 3% while the other 97% was running full speed ahead toward..... I'm not  really sure what they are running toward, but they seem to be running at least while I just feel part of nothing.  

But now I find myself thinking only 3%.....  And I start to see my perspective change.  Starbucks has a reputation.  Some would argue it is one of highly priced coffee, but the reality is that they are so particular with their standards that it means they pay more for a premium product therefore they must charge more for that premium product.  

Only 3%....  I remember reading a blog post a few months ago suggesting more thought should go into using a particular song in worship.  That song happens to be one of my favorite worship songs for the exact reason the post suggested caution.  It's a song that offers all of oneself to God.  It's a plea for deeper relationship.  

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders

Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Saviour."

So I find myself contemplating that 3% again. What if what others point out as inadequacies are actually the things that God uses to keep me close to Him?  What if they are part of His refining process for me?  I think one thing I've always realized about myself is that when I'm the most unsure I find myself looking to God the most often.  What if the things that  separate me from the 97% running a full speed are the very things that are making part of something great that  God wants to accomplish?  Out of 12 disciples Peter was the only one to get out of the boat.  Peter was the one who was willing to go into places where he was out of his depth and his inadequacies were exposed so that Jesus could call him out to great things later.

And so I find myself contemplating the significance of 3%...