"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back."

"Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back."

A while back I re-watched the BBC miniseries North & South at which one particular scene stood out to me.  There came a point where the heroine has been given the chance to return to her former life which she thought she had missed so dearly and upon attempting to go back to her that way of life she discovers that life's experiences have changed her and returning to the life she once knew wasn't possible because she had changed.

I suppose this particular scene stood out too me because it was something with which I found it easy to relate.  It seems in the last few years I make it to December and look back over the year and find that many things have occurred that have challenged me, caused me to grow and changed me over the course of the year.  This year for some reason seems to be on the fast track.  Either that or all of those lessons from the past several years seem to be coming together finally.  Whatever the reason I find myself in April looking at 2011 thinking I never imagined getting to the end of the year and being where I am just a quarter of the way through.

But back to the starting quote, "Try as we might, happy as we were, we can't go back."  Out of a two part mini-series this was the one line that stood out to me and has stayed with me weeks later.  I think probably because to me it sums up life and reinforces something I learned this last summer.  When traveling back from Atlanta, I happened to pass the exit for Bardstown, KY.  Remembering the visit to My Old Kentucky Home with my family when I was young I decided to stop past out of nostalgia.  I discovered something that day.  Somehow the magic that I remembered from childhood was no longer there.  The excitement that to this day I remember experiencing all those years ago was absent.  I left feeling that some things should probably be left in the past where they belong and that trying to recapture "magic" moments isn't necessarily the best idea.  The "magic" feeling is for the now.  It's for the memories you are creating that become special because of the people you are with for that one moment in time.  The uniqueness of each moment can't be recreated, it has to be enjoyed as it occurs.  We can try to go back just as Margaret did in North & South, but chances are we will find as she did that life has moved on and we truly can't go back to things as they were we must face the future with it's promise of magic moments and new memories to be made.

A Different Vantage Point

Sometimes I seem to have such random thoughts that even I wonder where they come from and today was one of those days.  For some reason on the way to church the movie Vantage Point came to mind.  I believe it was a combination of events of the past week, reading material, conversations and life in general that seemed to randomly produce the thought process that included this particular movie. 

It was a movie that I enjoyed the first time I watched it because of its interesting twist.  Without giving away too much of the storyline, the thing I liked about it was the fact that the same events were shown through the eyes of different people and each time you got another person's perspective the storyline was given a deeper dimension.  The interesting thing with Vantage Point is that you get to the end of the movie and realize that in the end the reality everyone thought was true as viewed from their personal perspective actually changed when you put together all of the different perspectives that surrounded one 15 minute slice of time. 

I think especially a couple of conversations I've had this week have shown me how one dimensional my view of life can be.  It's almost like I recognize and acknowledge on some level that other people exist and matter and even have different perspectives, but it's a little harder to add their dimension to the storyline of my life.  To do that means I must make myself vulnerable.  I am required to share parts of myself that I would rather keep hidden or at the very least acknowledge to others that those fears and insecurities exist in me.  It means I'm exposed in some way and once that happens the person I've shared a part of myself with becomes a part of my story and in doing so has the potential to affect my perspective.

Think about it though.  How would our lives and relationships change if we could find a way to step away from ourselves and add the dimension of someone else's perspective to our world? It doesn't mean we have to agree 100% with their viewpoint, but sometimes in just hearing someone's perspective we can better relate to that person on other levels and makes us more conscience of the different levels that exist in the bigger story God has in which we play a part.  After all as much as I like to think it some days my story is not the biggest, most important one in the world.  It is only a small part of God's bigger story in which every one has their 15 minute segment that corresponds with mine, but involves their perspective and in putting those perspectives together the bigger picture starts to evolve.  Of course it evolves whether I put those perspectives together or not, but how much more effective could I be if I saw even one other person's perspective on my 15 minute segment of life?

To Live or Not to Live, That is the Question

It's funny how our life experiences can change how we see the world around us.  Earlier this year I found myself challenged by a friend to take the work I do on a daily basis and view it from the possible spiritual angles it presented.  At first I found myself thinking I'd try it, but not truly expecting it to impact my life in any significant way.  It would be a slight variation to the way I saw the world around me, but life would go on without any profound changes.

I'm still not entirely for sure what happened, but as I thought about the comparisons that had been made between the medical aspect of the heart and the world of work I had become so familiar with over eight years of nursing something happened.  I found myself looking at a world I was so familiar with through different eyes.  The things that had become routine for me began to take on an entirely different meaning. 

The interesting thing was that this thought process followed me to my position in Hospice which gave a new meaning to some of the ideas that were presented in this new field.  One of those was the idea of when you are facing death you learn to be aware of life and in doing so learn how to truly live.  Well, with the challenge still in my mind of looking for the spiritual application it brought a whole other meaning with it.

The thought I was left with is from a spiritual sense how much more spiritually aware would we become if we were to die to the world's idea of what life should be and what success is?  How much do we not live by attempting to live an ideal dictated by the status quo?  Is it possible that by striving for that ideal we exist rather than truly live as God intended us to?  What would happen if we were to allow ourselves to lose the idea of success that we have come to accept as "normal"?

For me I find that what began as a casual challenge has now become something I can't get away from.   It has changed the way I look at my everyday life and in doing so has changed me.  It has challenged me to evaluate what is important in life and in doing so how I live mine. 

Being vs. Doing

What is a life sold out to God?  As someone who grew up in church and often heard how we need to "sell out to God", "surrender our life to Him"  and "die to the world".  I'm sorry to say eventually I came to the place that it really didn't matter how it was phrased I began tuning it out thinking the idea was this high spiritual plane that I could never even hope to achieve so what was the use in trying?  In my mind it became better to simply not try rather than try and be reminded of my shortcomings.  Not necessarily the right attitude to have, but one that I was able to function with.

I'm not sure at what point the light bulb actually went off in my head, but at some point I came to a realization about the problem with my thought process.  I was operating under the idea that I had to "fix" myself so to speak before I could "surrender completely".  I had to make myself acceptable before I could expect God to accept what I had to offer.  In other words, I had Cain's problem.  I thought somewhere in me there was something that God would be honored to accept for his service if I just worked hard enough at it.  I think it was at that point I realized plans are good.  To go through life never having a thought as to what you will do next is not really an option, but how often was I guilty of trying to plan how my spiritual life would go.  I realized that in much the same way I would plan my day out at work, I'll do A, B and C before lunch, D, E and F after lunch and if I get to G and H that's great, but they could wait until tomorrow.  I was applying that to my spiritual life.  If I could read a certain amount of Scripture that day, spend a set amount of time in prayer and go to church a set number of times a week my spiritual obligations had been fulfilled and if I repeated this enough one day I could maybe reach that place where I was "sold out" to God. 

The moment I realized that God doesn't want perfection, he wants willingness was a life changing point for me.  It meant stepping back and not doing, but being.  In doing I was showing others what I could do for God.  If my attitude is wrong I might even be trying to show them how fortunate God is to have someone like me representing him on the humble earth.  The interesting thing about the word do is that in any form it can pretty much stand by itself in a sentence.  It doesn't depend on another word to help define it's intent.  As for being, that's another story entirely.  It needs other words to show it's true and full meaning.  For me that meant that in being rather than doing I have to allow something other than my own steam to define the sentence of my life.  If I can do something in my own power, if people can look at my life and totally explain everything that happens by my strength and endurance then I'm really not living a life that emphasises the wonder and strength of God.  If I can show how I planned to get from point A to point B it's my story, but if there is no human way to explain how point B came from point A, well that's a story that only God can write!

A friend recently made the observation that he believes the way we go through things is the way God makes sure we learn well the lessons he's teaching us.  I must admit that based on my life in the last five years I completely agree with him.  Somehow the struggles as you try to accept that God has a bigger picture in mind while dealing with the daily disappointments of life not being where you anticipated at this point in your life take on a different view when you make it through that lesson and are on the other side.  I think that acceptance that we cannot manage the outcome and giving up control over some part of our life where maybe we didn't even realize control was such an issue for us is one of the hardest parts in the idea of being versus doing.  There is a part of us that wants to sit down and work on our ten year plan so that we feel productive, but the still small voice didn't come when Elijah was calling down fire on Mount Carmel it came when he was at his lowest and couldn't "do" anything to help himself.  In much the same way we have to come to the place that we are willing to "be" the conduit that God can use to show his greatness rather than showing the world how great God is by what we "do".

Comfort Zones

Comfort zones are interesting things.  I don't know about anyone else, but I tend to love them.  They symbolize security.  They provide this little cocoon of safety and familiarity.  When I'm in them I have this protected feeling like nothing can really truly hurt me as long as I stay in their familiar embrace.  Of course the thing I've come to realize is that comfort zones while they definitely have their good points and the times they are necessary, to truly grow you have to step outside of them at some point.  I mean what happens if a catapiller decides hanging out in that cocoon is way better than ever coming out of it.  When it comes out it becomes vulnerable to any number of dangers.  Outside of the cocoon there are birds, spider webs and little kids with science projects to complete!  Inside the comfort zone those threats while still there seem less likely.  It's like in our comfort zone we can close our eyes like a toddler and insist that none of those dangers can see us.  Of course as long as the catapiller stays in it's cocoon it never has the opportunity to see what it's full potential is, what a beautiful butterfly it can become.  If the eagle's offspring insists on hanging out in the nest it will never discover how high it is truly capable of soaring.  So what do we miss when we insist that our comfort zone is far enough?

Don't get me wrong.  As I mentioned before comfort zones can be great things, they can help build some confidence in areas, they can be necessary for emotional and even spiritual healing, but eventually if we are ever to achieve the vision God has of what he wants us to become we will have to step out of the comfort zone.   It doesn't require much faith to stay there since we pretty much think we know how life will go if we do so, the faith comes when you follow the call that leads you out of that familiarity, the call that encourages you to get out of the boat in the middle of a storm and walk on the water.  To me Peter is an awesome example of what you can experience if you are willing to consider stepping out of your comfort zone.  I think we often tend to think of the "where did your faith go" aspect of Peter's walk on the water while the other side to it is Peter walked on the water!  Outside of Jesus who else in the history of mankind has managed that?  Does that mean the dangers and pitfalls cease to exist?  No, but realistically they are there even when we stay in our comfort zones so why not find what the true potential God has for us really is?

Cleaniness Might Be Next to Godliness, but Organization Would Seem to be the Path There....

I have come to a realization about myself recently thanks to a friend's personal observation.  After a Facebook post stating my latest project of organizing and clearing out with her response that she does the same thing when she needs to think, I discovered so do I!!  Thanks to her personal observation I have recognized a pattern to my cleaning schedule!  When I'm fairly content with where things are not really challenged to think or maybe I'm just plain feeling sorry for myself, my apartment shows it!!  I suppose I should be thankful God sends life changing events to turn my life upside down every so often so the place gets a good cleaning! 


This year for some reason I decided to evalute the "stuff" I was holding onto early in the year, but certainly didn't expect the mass clearing I've managed so far!  Honestly even at this point I can't figure out how or why I decided to "clear out" some of the things I've parted with, but I know that it was time to let go of it.  For anyone who knows me they will understand that books are my obsession!  Growing up books were my escape from reality.  They were a way for me to travel to exotic locations and different eras of history and live a life in my mind I only dreamed about.  One of my favorite stories to illustrate the importance of that particular possession is the fact that by the time I was 13 I had amassed a collection in the thousands that I did not want to part with upon which my Dad insisted some had to go.  Talk about traumatic!!  If I remember right I was livid and took quite a while to get over it.  That said my Dad would be very proud of me today since while I will always value my books, I have found they aren't necessary to my living and breathing. 

Of course it's not necessarily that the possessions are wrong, but I had to evaluate why I was holding onto them which resulted in the realization that in the big picture they aren't necessary to my happiness.  They take up space in my life that while I didn't recognize it right away has been replaced by other more important things such as relationships, the nieces and nephews I've "adopted", the friends who have become family.  Of course once you find you can part with the possessions you value the most everything else is a discovery in how free you can really become as you stop letting those things rule your life and let God fill it with other things a little more each day.  Now does that mean that there will never be days that the apartment looks less than it's best.  Of course not!  I fully expect that I will be able to organize and re-organize and re-re-organize many times over the coming years, but the way I look at it now is that if all of that organizing means God's making me think, well I'll just keep at it!

The Present Future

Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.                                     Jeremiah 33:3 (KJV)

You know it's funny how so caught up in life we can get that we never think to stop and actually think about how much God cares about our everyday existence.  I mean think about it He cares so much that while we are so busy trying to work our way through all of the "small" things in our life that while maybe they are rocking our world at the time we look back at them later and wonder why they were such a big deal at the time all that time He's looking at the bigger picture we cannot even begin to comprehend. 

Now I'm usually the type of person who while I like to think that I tend to look at the bigger picture, I've never really stopped to look at God's bigger picture when I'm in the middle of something.  It's not that I don't think about it, it's just that I'm so busy being consumed by what is going on around me that I can see that the idea of God's future that He's working toward can be like a fortune teller's prediction.  It's there, you think about it, but at the same time while you are so sure of your faith and belief it's not enough to shake you out of the rut you've fallen into of living for the future based on what you understand about today.  Now at this point I can already hear the gasps!  I compared God to a fortune teller?  How sacrilegious!!  But isn't that what we do?  We think about the future He has for us as this thing as shrouded in mystery as the intentionally vague predictions of a gypsy fortune teller.  We want what we classify as excitement so badly that we will settle for creating it out of something that can be exciting in it's own right if we just let God lead our future.

Just as recently as yesterday something made me stop to look at what most of us would see as the little coincidences of life and I'm still alternating between laughing and crying about it!  I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I had one of those moments I like to refer to as my light bulb moments.  One of those moments in time where you come to a realization that the life God wants to give you and the future He has for you is so much easier to attain than we want to make it.  Honestly, admit it we are the ones that make things like becoming a missionary to deepest darkest Africa more exciting than going to work in small town America and challenging ourselves to see who we can impact today.  We are the ones that see glamor in being handicapped and achieving great things rather than being healthy and making an impact in the people we meet daily. 

We are blessed with so many things that we take for granted.  And yes, I do realize that is a phrase we hear trotted out on a regular basis to encourage involvement in a variety of areas including, but not limited to volunteering and religious involvement, but I'm not talking about the "normal" references such as health, family, etc.  I'm talking about the things that we even get into the future and "forget" about.  How many of us are guilty of just going through life and never realizing at the time that God has put the exact people in our lives for the exact time we need them?  How many times do we make things harder for ourselves by not utilizing the resources He gives us for a time such as this. 

So back to my light bulb moment.  As I set thinking about some of the recent things that have happened in my life and realized the unlikely areas I had received advice, support and prayers when I needed them the most it was almost overwhelming!   My pastor often says that it's amazing how we are able to trust God to save us and with our distant future, but we have such a hard time trusting Him with the present future.  It's so true.  We can trust Him with what we can't see, but we are always guilty (myself included) of trying to figure our way out of the present problems on our own.  Much as a toddler looks up and says "Mommy, I do myself" in much the same way we look at God and say, "Ok, you can step back, I have it under control, I can manage this one", but how often do we end up with a comedy of errors worthy of Abbott & Costello in the aftermath!

How different could it be if we took the resources and support that God sends into our lives and actually used them?  I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions, but this year while I'm not calling it a resolution exactly, one of my prayers was that I would learn to look at things in a different way than I have in the past.  That I would start to let God work more in the immediate future rather than the distant.  In doing that I have found that my entire view of life has changed!  I'm seeing the relationships He has sent into my life in an entirely different way and feel so overwhelmingly blessed sometimes all there is to do is laugh at how I never saw it before and cry that He thinks so much of me and my future that He takes the time to make sure my path crosses with those people that change your life and view on life completely and forever.